raindrops falling on my head...

this year, 2008, has been a very hard year for me.
transition is never a good thing.
transition = stress.
i've never been a huge fan of major life changes,
yet major life changes are my life.
...so i guess they've ironically been a big fan of me.
it feels like i have this formula worked out for change or something,
yet it isn't quite working this time -- not really, because part of the
"formula" is that i adjust to this place FOR A YEAR. but face it, i'll be here a lot longer than that. i don't like to think i'm bitter... or frustrated... yet i've not really been that fun of a person at times this year. i want to be happy and believe that everything will be amazing, but as much as i'd like to believe i've moved on, i haven't, and i find it hard to be. one nice thing about facing this thing of major life changes more than once is that i understand my patterns of coping with said change -- for instance, i understand that i am slow to consider new people my friends when i move to new places -- because my definition of "friendship" is very refined... friendship is more than having met a person -- it's knowing someone... and getting along with them/understanding them on some level. i also understand that i value all my friendships a LOT... and tend to keep them as a safety net -- probably why i'm on facebook so often, and why it bugs me when no one attempts to show me that i exist in their memory for days at a time.
...yet, following my same "patterns" i'll move on sometime in the next semester and next year I'll make new friends who will be my "best friends" until we part ways. there are exceptions to these patterns... but right now i just feel like this is my freshman year of high school all over again... except i'm older, less stupid, and have just a bit more to stress over in life.

scratchy throats and artichokes

so... i actually have nothing to say about artichokes, except that they DO taste good... especially a well made artichoke dip on chips -- superb. but that's not really the purpose of my writing... i'm just really tired and can't think logically... and my throat hurts really bad... and i'm really tired and not pleased with how my day was spent. it was not the way a saturday -- my first REAL day of break, since i am finally home was supposed to be spent. and i'm just kind of disappointed, wiped, and have no reason to stop being lethargic -- since my sister is convinced i am continuously in a state of lethargy -- except maybe to lash out in frustration at life.

...the beginning of the end...

i guess i never really realized how fast this year would progress -- it's already december and in no time we'll have finals. life is pretty crazy -- full of hecticity -- ... i don't have that many written finals, actually only two, but i have three art classes which means three final projects, and i'm just starting them. it's scary to have so many assignments to do at once, but it's also nice -- i don't have to spend hours and hours studying for everything... i just have to create art... and that's a whole lot more pleasing. for digital tools i have to photograph my work and do stuff to it... so i might post some of it up here... i made a flash album of some stuff from high school, but i don't know how to put it on here... because it's interactive and the whole post thing didn't seem to accept flash files.
what's up with me? well, in the last week i went on a whole roller coaster ride of mixed feelings -- my roommates want to move out so they can have a double... (i'll miss them so much...)... and so i had to find new roommates in the course of three days... and then on the last day after i had found people to move in with me, i found out that my best friend down the hall's roommate was leaving biola cuz of financial stuff... but it was basically too late to do anything -- or actually, i really just didn't have the energy to deal with potential drama and sign a ton more paperwork. (i really don't like being forced to make last minute decisions. CHOOSING to be last minute when everything needing to be done is in my court, is a whole different matter, because that's like planning things to be spontaneous, which is NOT true spontaneity. if that made any sense at all.)

contentment and desire

this week has been filled with conference sessions, all dealing with "sex and the soul." that was the topic biola chose for its annual torrey conference which i, being a student here, am required to attend. so far i have been to eight of the ten sessions with two more tomorrow. i thought it would be good to write and process all i have been hearing and contemplating through this time. i really appreciated most of what the speakers had to say -- the only complaint would be in the way some things were said, in ways that i found unneccesary or that i disagreed slightly with the way an idea was presented. Don't take this to mean that I disagreed with the messages they were trying to get across to us -- i totally did. i've heard those messages my whole life, or at least most of them. the sessions dealing with homosexuality i had only had covered for me more recently in my ethics class at faith academy. the section, however, that spoke the most to me was the section this morning about emotional chastity. that really is a difficult topic for women. every woman desires to be loved and delighted in, and when we find men who are willing to be our friends and who we find "delighting" in us, we often find ourselves (or i do, maybe i should be more careful and not umbrella things so frequently), especially if we already had a pre-disposition to like the guy, taking ownership of him. To our friends we call him "my guy" and become possessive. The possessivity takes hold in our minds and becomes an obsession. Soon "my guy" becomes more to me than a friend emotionally while outwardly still remaining as "just my friend" and in the meantime, guys, clueless as they tend to be, have no idea what's going on... and if that man goes off and finds himself a girlfriend (we're always JUST the friend, afterall), then we find ourselves crushed beyond belief, because we have to emotionally break up with him... and again, the guy is totally clueless to this and doesn't understand why him getting a girlfriend injured your friendship. So... that wasn't totally what the speaker was saying about emotional chastity, but that kind of scenario is what the talk reminded me of. oh! and if you identify with that, listen to the song "Boys with Girlfriends" by meiko....

When I first met you I knew you were the one
'Til you took me home and I met her
She had your boxers on
She was listening to your song
And I thought right then that you had everything

But I knew she was jealous from the start
Yeah
I knew she was jealous from the start

'Cause I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends
Oh
I know better than that
I know better
You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy
I know better than that
I know better

Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh

Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh

We started hanging around after nine
I could've sworn that I was yours
You looked at me and said, "It's a little too late for bed"
We went to the hotel and talked about everything

But I knew she was jealous from the start
Yeah

...etc.
I knew she was jealous from the start

...anyway... so... to go to the actual label of this post...
we are told to be content where we are, yet there is the constant desire for relationship and intimacy... and despite the conference, i don't really feel the question of how to live a healthy and balanced life with those two things... doesn't desire show a lack of contentment because we are wanting something more than that which we have? and if we are too content, then how will we ever branch out and become dynamic women who men will want to marry?
just some thoughts...

jen