remembering

i don't like remembering, yet i do.
i find myself so confused.
memories bring me back to yesterday, while today i find i am propelled towards tomorrow.
this is how you get out of sadness, moving your feet forward a day at a time and seeing what happens. then a small token of remembrance -- and it's back a step again.
but i guess two steps forward with only one step back still shows progress, even if it is minute.
i want to go back, but at the same time, i don't.
nothing will ever be as it was.
although i have grasped that again and again, there is still that twinge of sadness upon remembering.
i don't expect you to understand, not fully, unless you have been in my shoes and looked down at a country beloved with clear glassy seas from the window of an airplane, not knowing when or if you would ever return. i don't know how much i now consider it my home, but the Philippines was where i lived for 15 out of the 18 years of my life... and the other three years were arguably... more like vacations for me anyway.
yet, i never belonged there and always longed for a place i would find that feeling.
i belonged with mks, with others like me, but never fully with the people -- there was a barrier of language, color, and culture. and although my culture is not fully American, it is also not fully Filipino. i don't belong. that is one of the hardest things ever. sometimes i wish i could be one of the little flowers on a wallpaper design. i wouldn't be alone, and i wouldn't be different, and for my sameness, i would be accepted. yet, i was born to be different, to think differently... and to not fit in. because a philippine-born and philippine-raised girl is not supposed to be blonde with fair skin... she is not supposed to be deficient in her knowledge of Tagalog... she is not to have American parents and have an American passport... someone born and raised in the Philippines... well... they're generally Filipino. I know the national anthem... and know several words in Tagalog but was never taught how to piece them together into sentences, thus my Tagalog sounds very idiotic.
i speak and write English well, or at least can, when prompted to do so, i have white skin, blonde hair, and an American passport. am i not American? yet, i don't know a lot of the common language or slang here... i don't know how an American is supposed to react or respond in social situations. i don't know what is ok to talk about and how deeply a conversation is allowed to go. i'm still getting used to how small talk works... and don't really feel like i've had a real conversation with someone unless barriers of insecurity have been torn down and honesty is laid bare. but i'm not really American in my thinking or way of doing things. i know what it is to be stuck between cultures... and i can usually understand well those who are between cultures... they are in the same shoes that i have to wear... (generally flip flops in my case... or as i would say in manila, tsinelas)...
and so in this place where i am coming to accept my situation and learning how to live as an American would, i still find myself not feeling truly... American... and not feeling truly like i belong.
and then i remember or am reminded of times filled with joy and people who really understood me, and i am torn between now and then and find my eyes brim with tears as they are now. i can't shouldn't and thus don't want to go back... and don't even want to remember sometimes because it is so hard to bear,
but yet, i know that in moving on i don't need to forget. the memories can be mine, even if i can't relive those memories.
what is hard is remaining content with the now while still finding pleasure in the past... gleaning joy from both worlds and coming out of that time satisfied that where i am is where i should be right now.
and i think it is where i should be.
an art major with a Bible minor on a gorgeous campus in LA... just seems perfect to me.
finding out how to use my passion for God -- that is irreplaceable.
learning how to live in this place that is sometimes so foreign to me -- so amazing, even if i come to it with some reservations.
meeting amazing people who daily make me smile, what more could a person's heart desire?

more thoughts

so, I guess I was inspired today by having an... average day. I played an incredible game of bowling, but after that my day slowly went downhill... I guess cuz I was tired and not feeling the greatest.
anyway... after math with prof. Kwak I found that I had an extra 15 minutes cuz we were let out early, and so I had a whole 30 minutes to kill before Foundations...
so I tried calling steph... but no answer.
then I called Lisa... but she was in the caf. at dinner... and I just felt this huge wave of emotion and loneliness overtake me... so I went to the tables by the Talon between the business building and the neighborhood street and just sat at a table and wrote. It was basically spill-time with God... and I thought it would be good to share those thoughts here, as well... kind of to let people know what's been on my mind, and get some kind of input or engage in a dialogue of sorts.

"...I'm in a weird mood that makes me feel like an idiot with every small move I make. It was cool doing well in bowling today! But it felt like everything went downhill from there. I really want to feel your presence in a daily - always there - kind of way. I feel so alone, yet I know I'm so loved, beyond measure, the world just isn't about me. [slight tangent with a point] Why do people waste their time discussing baseball, like the guys to my right, when being a fan of baseball is such a fleeting pursuit? Why do people spend so little time discussing eternity and those things that really matter? All we talk about on a daily basis is what we HAVE to do, the weather, and things that will fade with time. We even find it appropriate to discuss "crushes" and the hoped romances based on shallow ideals rather than traits that really matter. Maybe I'm being cynical right now, but maybe I just long for a life filled with you, seeking you, and not getting caught up in frivolous things that eat away at a life un-lived that could have been - could have been beautiful and lived to the fullest..."

thoughts

so... i was talking to peter today, instant messaging, and then i started thinking. a lot. that tends to happen when i talk to him. we talked briefly about secular universities vs. Christian universities... and he mentioned how a difference is that at secular colleges no one pretends to be a Christian. of course no one does. it's not popular to have a faith that you live out and "shove" on other people. yet, why would someone who isn't truly a Christian want to attend a Christian university? the thought blows my mind.

1. Christian colleges are a LOT more difficult to pay for, since they are private institutions.
2. If you're not a Christian, why would you want to surround yourself with something you don't believe?

Sure, you can go to a Christian college to seek after God and try to find him in a more real way... but if you aren't a Christian, why bother with the extra hassle of less money to live on, less freedom to do all the things that you COULD do at a secular college that are taboo in Christian circles, and dealing with all the fronts you put up to pretend you're something you're not? It's so pointless.

It is definitely true that in a Christian circle it is easy to feel like you need to be perfect, and in that fronts must be put up, but to fake Christianity is pure stupidity.

I'm basically saying that to be anything but who you are is... well... not worth it.

it's a choice

choice, eh? you mean, i don't have to dwell on negative aspects in life? i can live if i choose? joy is a choice. i'm slowly being reminded of that. if i want a positive life, i need to live it with a positive attitude -- look over the things that aren't quite as good and focus on what's amazing. hmm... must think on this. :)

jen