Breaks my Heart

There are some kids at camp this week suffering from a degenerative disease that keeps them wheelchair ridden and only gets worse with age... and it breaks my heart. They are such amazing people, and they've been through so much. Tears flood my eyes as I write this. Earlier, I was thinking a lot about it, and I wrote a song... kind of my thoughts. These are my thoughts.

I just gotta be brave
gotta make it through today
pushing through the pain of being different

and though some may stop and stare
some walk away in fear
some saying nervously, "how are you today"

Lord, I know you give me strength...

to fight it all away
wear a smile on my face
live a life of praise
even when my arms are too weak to raise.

to notice all that's good
appreciate the little things
takes away a little angst
from being so unheard, a title undeserved.

That's the cry I find
resonating from those confined
in situations undefined
by who they are
and it breaks my heart
breaks my heart.


Those are all the words, though the exact order and repetitions of the paragraphs have not been laid out.

...

i'm so frustrated being sick... i can't hear... and i keep being asked stuff by people like... wait, are you sick? do you have swine flu? how are you?... and with all the talking i've been doing, and the fact that i still have gone to work, it's no wonder i'm not better yet. i wish i could roll up in a corner and sleep for hours, then wake up and be good again... or... actually, i mostly wish i was in manila right now with my parents rolled up in the security of being at home... knowing for certain that only my best interest is in mind... feeling free to BE sick, which in turn would allow me to get better... and just having my mom and dad there. that would make a big difference. if i could i would hug my mom right now, a really big hug... and let her hold me for hours, while i could cry at the frustration of not feeling at my best. people don't understand. they either completely ignore me, or they won't leave me be. i need my space so i can get better... but... i just wish i had someone to love on me a bit more... someone who knows me... (like my mom)... i'm not fond of nurses, and i'm not fond of the fact that i have to go through the nurse to get any kind of medicine to help me feel better... i just... want it all to go away. why can't i be on a planet all my own and soak up the world through my fingertips... to breathe freely and live without fear of condemnation. i guess part of my frustration and fear is that i feel like it's not ok to be sick... and it's like i'm looked down upon. i didn't ask this on myself. if only i could travel to Lewis' Perelandra...

Roller coasters have never been my favorite.

...

i've been thinking about culture.
why do people connect with each other through common media? why is it that media and technology rule lives? there has got to be more to a person than their relationship to media. it is true that ones responses to something disclose stuff about them... but i guess it's just that that's not my language. how is life treating you? what's really going on with you? i roll mad deep, yo. :P i guess it's just hard because i'm still trying to figure out how i want myself to be reflected through my media choices. is there a right and wrong answer? i find so many things interesting for their own purposes... i like being exposed to new ideas, even if i don't really agree with them. i was going to write a whole blog post about being at camp, but i wasn't inspired with words to say, thus i have written this, instead. i know i have a lot more to say about it, but my thoughts must first formulate. i just feel like technology is another one of those masks that people put up to hide themselves... or maybe technology really is a part of the identity of some... i don't know. i'm just different. i value different stuff.