unasked for, but still beautiful

Life forces us to grow up, without our consent. Each second I am a slightly different person than who I once was. New thoughts, new imaginings, new ways that I perceive the light playing on the window... Each moment I am older, somehow more aware of something different. Understanding comes, slowly. As life continues I find that I am more aware of changes in me and all around me. In the last week or so, two good friends of mine got engaged. They're both older than me, but not by much, and both of them have been in relationships with the guys they are marrying for less than a year. The beginning of last summer, we were all working at the same camp and we were all single and free. Now both of them are getting married, and I'm still single. I'm fine with where I am, but there is always this tugging inside me, like when will it be my chance? When will the right person come along for me? I feel like a hypocrite when one day I'm talking with some good friends of mine who have decided to stay single all through college and I agree with them and say that I want that too, that I don't want distractions, but then I meet someone new or another of my friends gets proposed to, and part of me wonders when and what if.

Two days ago I turned 20, and that also shows life's way of forcing us to grow up. Time doesn't stop and it can't be turned back, it is the steady ticking of a second hand forever marching forward, steady like a train, and just as unstoppable as one going at full speed. I'm 20, I'm no longer a child. It's not like 18 where I was, at least, still a teenager. Being 20 is like being 21, but without the drinking part. Not that I'm really excited for the privileges that come with 21... besides, I signed a contract telling Biola that I would abide by the community standards which regulate that no student of Biola drink alcohol, not even those over 21, while enrolled at the university.

Along with growing up, I guess, must come a new set of "firsts"... firsts that will not be the only, but the beginning, I guess. I went on my first Gyrad just over a week ago, which was my first planned date event since being in college. I also went to my first brother/sister floor event (not including bro/sis barbeques) a bit ago... and actually went to Berry Cool for the first time over interterm. Today I went to my first ever TV taping... and I'm guessing it was my first time to wear a nice dress and kitten heels to In'N'Out. In a couple weeks I'll be flying alone for the first time to Texas, a state I've never been in to visit a friend. On that trip I'll be covering a lot of firsts: first time flying alone (I flew for the first time ever when I was 3 mos old, so flying itself isn't new)... I'm flying domestically, which is not a first, but it's weird because an internation leg to the flight is not attached. I'll be going to Texas, a state I've never been to, and I'll be eating goat, an animal that I don't think I've ever eaten before... (though I've had goat's milk... and I've eaten cool stuff like emu eggs and lizards and such). Soon after that I'll be renewing my passport, and I'll get a 10 year passport for the first time... and in December I'll be flying to the Philippines with my sister which will be the first time flying internationally without my parents. So many firsts, so little time.

Jen

cool quotes?

I know I frequently complain about reading Grudem's Systematic Theology because I'm required to read ~40 pages a week or so... and take quizzes on it, but I've actually found it inspirational.
A good example is found in a hymn that Grudem quoted to make a point, a quote I quite enjoyed. It ended up on my quote board (whiteboard) on my closet:

"The bride eyes not her garment
but her dear bridegroom's face
I will not gaze at glory
but on my King of Grace
Not on the crown he giveth
but on his pierced hand
The Lamb is all the glory
of Emmanuel's land."
~Anne Cousin from "The Sands of Time are Sinking."

Another quote that caught my attention lately was one my roommate Amanda noticed on a sign around campus.
It reads:

"The devil smiles when we make plans
He laughs when we get too busy
But he trembles when we pray."
~Corrie Ten Boom

...it is now on the whiteboard outside our door. :)

january.

i decided it was time for another blog post; maybe someone out there is actually reading this, but even if not it's fun to write for the sake of writing all those those things that are running through my head.

i got back to Biola sunday afternoon. it was bliss! i was so happy to sleep in my own bed again and be surrounded by all my own mess; yes, mess. it all looked ok until i plopped all the stuff from break on the floor, though i suppose that can be helped by simply putting that stuff away.

monday: day 1 of my first 20 hour work week. i know, 20 hours is pathetic compared to 40 hours. there's a reason why it's called PART-time rather than full time work. my supervisor said i could take up to 40 hours a week this january, but i didn't want to ONLY work, i wanted to have some space to do other stuff.
after work i got hot chocolate in the mail from mom and ran into josh canty at the mailboxes. that guy is fun to run into; always a smile.
then danielle calbeck came up and joined our conversation... and then this other girl came over that i didn't know; random -- 4 art majors. all at biola during january for different reasons.
i also got another paycheck at work... so when i got back to my room i turned on music and danced for awhile. good day. :)

tuesday: the charm of interterm is already starting to wear off; it's weird only having to be someplace for four hours of my day. i'm bored. i need people. i went to work today and then watched gilmore girls and had some bulgolgi my roommate made me for dinner; i love korean food. :)
if you're reading this and around, stop by!... or hit me up online.
i want people!

over all though, i guess it's not that bad; i just need to find ways to fill my days with excitement.

on another note, the song "laughing with" by regina spektor has been constantly playing in my head.
i actually really like it for some reason.