It seems that a lately muddled mind is fading away.
The gray is turning bright with sun.
Maybe spring will be here soon.
I don't know if all my reminiscences really have to do with the weather, with the cold and dark, short days, or not, but I do know that the air isn't as cold and the sun is shining for longer every day, and somehow life is picking up and a smile is starting to dance on my face, or at least the face in my mind.
I've been in contact with ELIC working on an application, but I don't know if that is really where I am meant to go. I don't feel particular peace about going, and staying is feeling more and more like a good and viable option. Work is good - I'm still getting a decent number of hours each week despite the slow-down since the Holidays, and I recently was given the opportunity to try my hand at teaching some painting classes there. We will see how that goes. I'm simultaneously optimistic and nervous. There are so many details that need to be worked out, and I feel like all the rest of my spare time will be eaten up, but this is something along the lines of my studies, and I should not let them be in vain. I would love to do something with my art, but I feel like teaching classes really makes me vulnerable as a person. Being a teacher sort of displays the teacher's shortcomings sometimes, falling short of the expectations of the students or falling short of self expectations. I try not to be so chained to expectations and following through with what I believe those to be, but it's hard. I like being at peace with myself and others, and I like being likeable. Even selling my art makes me vulnerable. This fear of how others will respond to me and my work, my lifeblood, really needs to be confronted. Teaching art classes should help to confront it. You know, this extra opportunity makes it even more difficult to just leave for somewhere else right now. I have this constant urge to go-go-go, to be forever new and wandering and never really put down roots and get to know people. I also have a desire for roots and relationships, but I think I am afraid to actually give in to that desire. Constantly being uprooted is what I am used to and what has become comfortable, though sad and stressful.
But -- this is a happy post. Life seems good right now. My face and heart can share the same tune. Maybe this is an ok place to be.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
cowgirl wishings
When I was younger, I had a grand dream that I would buy property someday on the Yakima River (where my Grandma lived) in Washington State. There I would own horses and start my own teddy bear factory business. I was thinking again about the dream of horses. I don't know now if I would really want to own and take care of my own horses unless that could somehow be my income-providing job rather than some side thing to do at the end of every long work day. I typed into google: "mommy i want to be a cowgirl when i grow up" and came across a blog post which I link Here. I related a lot to her sentiments of using horse-riding as a means of escape -- the idea of being able to just pack some saddle bags and ride away really resonated with me. Still, I do think I would enjoy living and working on a ranch; wearing my hair in braids and having a reason to own a plethora of plaid shirts and to buy a good pair of cowgirl boots. There's something about the stillness and beauty of nature and being in a place where, even with all the hard labor, one would be able to soak in its majesty.
Monday, January 7, 2013
"Benefits" of Having a Common Name
Well, anonymity. You have to know more about me than my name to find me online.
There have been songs (or at least one) written about me...
Jennifer Johnson and Me
by Shel Silverstein
Deep in the pocket of a lost sport coat jacket,
I chanced to discover an old memory,
Three for a quarter, a black and white protrait,
Taken of Jennifer Johnson and me.
I'm in the corner with my collar open
Like some Latin lover on late night TV.
Sittin' right here with her head on my shoulder,
Jennifer Johnson, she's smiling at me.
It must have been summer, Nineteen Sixty Seven,
The Beatles were singin' that love's all you need.
I held her hand as we walked through the arcade,
Two young believers on a two dollar spree.
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait.
Jen closed the curtain so no one could see.
Hey, kiss me quick, 'cause the red light is flashin'
Flashin' on Jennifer Johnson and me.
Waiting for that late night train back to Homewood,
I felt her warmth in the cool evenin' breeze,
Told her I'd probably love her forever,
Forever for Jennifer Johnson and me.
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Two young believers on a three dollar spree.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket.
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Jen, close the curtain, so no one can see.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket,
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?
There have been songs (or at least one) written about me...
Jennifer Johnson and Me
by Shel Silverstein
Deep in the pocket of a lost sport coat jacket,
I chanced to discover an old memory,
Three for a quarter, a black and white protrait,
Taken of Jennifer Johnson and me.
I'm in the corner with my collar open
Like some Latin lover on late night TV.
Sittin' right here with her head on my shoulder,
Jennifer Johnson, she's smiling at me.
It must have been summer, Nineteen Sixty Seven,
The Beatles were singin' that love's all you need.
I held her hand as we walked through the arcade,
Two young believers on a two dollar spree.
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait.
Jen closed the curtain so no one could see.
Hey, kiss me quick, 'cause the red light is flashin'
Flashin' on Jennifer Johnson and me.
Waiting for that late night train back to Homewood,
I felt her warmth in the cool evenin' breeze,
Told her I'd probably love her forever,
Forever for Jennifer Johnson and me.
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Two young believers on a three dollar spree.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket.
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?
Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Jen, close the curtain, so no one can see.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket,
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?
Saturday, December 22, 2012
stagnant.
I am learning that a life without goals is a stagnant one. I often dismiss the idea of goal making and planning too much ahead because the future is unpredictable. I know I wasn't always this way. I used to be a dreamer; not just a dreamer, but a practical dreamer I guess. I used to make plans and then follow them through, even years later. I decided I would study art in college when I was in elementary school. I chose Biola when I was 13. Lately though all I see are lots of doors with uncertain paths ahead of them. I'm scared to choose one fearing that perhaps all the others will close and what I do choose won't be the right one. But living in this fear has made my life feel very slow and like a drudgery. I get up in the morning, drive to work, drive home again, eat, sleep, repeat. I don't mind the work I do, but I don't feel like it's something I want to do forever - maybe not even for a year from now. It's my in-between time-buying way to spend my time and make a little money to live.
Floating in my head for the past months are things I think I would like to do as well as things I know I will do, and me trying to figure out how they can fit together. I know I want to keep my job for at least a year - good for the resume, and good for the loan payments. I know that I don't want to quit my job until I have something else to do with my life. I know that more school (one of my options) is constrained by scholastic calendars. I would like to do something abroad with ELIC or some similar organization, I would like to do something with ceramics, and I would like to study art therapy. I've been going back and forth as to what I should study for my next college degree, and I think I would like to branch out a little from fine art -- study something related but that is also totally different and has a more potentially directed career path.
I believe I wrote about this in a previous blog post -- all my confusion, but also ELIC. Maybe this is proof that it is something I should go after, as I don't tend to write new blog posts unless my reeling mind compels me to. Next July is Melody's wedding. Next August I will have worked at my current place of employment for a year. Maybe around then I should be moving forward to something new. After working with ELIC for a year, obviously see what else could open up from that experience, but I could apply to art therapy programs -- right now I have my eye on Emporia State University in KS. (It would be really cool if I could study art therapy using ceramics.) I've also considered applying for a ceramics residency I found in GA. I don't feel like that's a right now thing though for some reason.
With the New Year coming up I'm thinking that I need to write some new resolutions. In 2013 I resolve to actually apply to programs that sound interesting, even if they involve scary things like trusting God and fundraising. I resolve not to settle for easy, but to strive for awesome. It's so easy to be consumed with my own woes and with everything I have or have not experienced in life and everything I do or do not have, whether material, relational, experiential... or otherwise. (I can't think of what the otherwise would be... but added it to cover anything I may have missed.) I also resolve to pray and journal more... and continue to write people postcards and letters. I feel like I have lost touch with life. with people. and with God.
Floating in my head for the past months are things I think I would like to do as well as things I know I will do, and me trying to figure out how they can fit together. I know I want to keep my job for at least a year - good for the resume, and good for the loan payments. I know that I don't want to quit my job until I have something else to do with my life. I know that more school (one of my options) is constrained by scholastic calendars. I would like to do something abroad with ELIC or some similar organization, I would like to do something with ceramics, and I would like to study art therapy. I've been going back and forth as to what I should study for my next college degree, and I think I would like to branch out a little from fine art -- study something related but that is also totally different and has a more potentially directed career path.
I believe I wrote about this in a previous blog post -- all my confusion, but also ELIC. Maybe this is proof that it is something I should go after, as I don't tend to write new blog posts unless my reeling mind compels me to. Next July is Melody's wedding. Next August I will have worked at my current place of employment for a year. Maybe around then I should be moving forward to something new. After working with ELIC for a year, obviously see what else could open up from that experience, but I could apply to art therapy programs -- right now I have my eye on Emporia State University in KS. (It would be really cool if I could study art therapy using ceramics.) I've also considered applying for a ceramics residency I found in GA. I don't feel like that's a right now thing though for some reason.
With the New Year coming up I'm thinking that I need to write some new resolutions. In 2013 I resolve to actually apply to programs that sound interesting, even if they involve scary things like trusting God and fundraising. I resolve not to settle for easy, but to strive for awesome. It's so easy to be consumed with my own woes and with everything I have or have not experienced in life and everything I do or do not have, whether material, relational, experiential... or otherwise. (I can't think of what the otherwise would be... but added it to cover anything I may have missed.) I also resolve to pray and journal more... and continue to write people postcards and letters. I feel like I have lost touch with life. with people. and with God.
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