life update.

So much has happened, in so little time.  I look back to even a year ago and I see how much I've grown up, and it's weird.  I still don't know what I want out of life, but sometimes it's better to sit back and smell the flowers for awhile.  It's good to have goals, but I think it's also important to live a little, to not make those goals the entire driving force of life.  I don't want to look back and realize that in the rush to move life along, I missed something or someone.  Sometimes I like to list the firsts I have accomplished in a year.  This last year, I had my first promotion at a job, I had my first relationship, am going through my first break up, had some firsts I don't particularly want to mention... got my first moving violation.  (I had my first and only parking ticket for parking outside of my own house in California a few years ago... so this wasn't my first ticket, just my first, well, speeding ticket.)  Last year, I painted my room for the first time ever.  This week, I repainted part of it.  I sent something as classified mail for the first time... and took a driver's safety course for the first time.  (Ah, Texas and getting rid of speeding tickets.)  I also went to the emergency room for the first time on July 4.  Not my emergency, but my dad's.  He is doing much better.  For the first time ever, also, I have had to fight with bed bugs.  I have never dealt with these before and they are the most annoying creatures on the planet.  My hand and arm were covered with bites this morning.  I have been washing my sheets almost daily, constantly cleaning, and sprinkling/dumping diatomaceous earth in select spots around my bed and room.  I hate this and I hate them with a passion.  I declare war.  And I plan to win.

I want to be somebody's dream girl.

ring size 5

My sister is getting married in seven months, and I will be her maid of honor.  When she got engaged she and her fiance both went to a jeweler to have their fingers sized for rings.  Neither she nor I have ever been much of ring wearers.  Occasionally as kids we would get rings as prizes or something, but they never quite fit right... and we had no idea of our sizes.  We've had several conversations about this over the past couple months, because she wants to know my size so that someday if some guy wants to marry me and comes to her for my ring size she'll know and I could totally be swept away by a surprise ring and proposal.  But... I'm too lazy to go to a jewelry store... and I don't want to spend a lot of money on jewelry for myself.  My mom's wedding ring fit me perfectly when I tried it on for fun the other day, and my sister's ring is too big for me.  My sister is a six.  My mom said her ring was a five.  I assumed I was a five and a half... so, the other day when I was shopping online at kohl's I decided to see if I could find a five or a five and a half.  I found a size five sterling silver ring on clearance and paid about $8 for it.  It came in the mail today and fits my ring finger pretty perfectly.  My finger isn't used to having a ring on it, but I think any larger would make it a little loose.  I don't plan to wear this ring as any kind of a promise ring from a boy -- I bought it for me, from me.  I don't plan to wear it as a form of purity ring, though I'm not against the concept of purity.  Right now I'm thinking it will be sort of a promise to myself that I will not settle for someone who isn't good enough for me, who doesn't treat me as I ought to be treated, who makes me feel less than I ought.  It's a reminder that I don't need a man in order to wear pretty jewelry, that I can buy it for myself, that I can be my own person, that I don't need a man to somehow be complete.  This is not me giving up on relationships or saying I want to be alone for the rest of my life, no.  This is me realizing that it's ok to navigate the waters of life without a lover on my arm, that I can stand on my own two feet, as I always have, and I will be ok.  When the right man comes along, we can stand on our own four feet, next to each other and walk life together, arms and hearts linked.  But this ring says, "Jennifer, hold out for the right man."

...

The next guy who wants to date me needs to pursue me.  Like seek me out.  Really want me.  Make me feel wanted.  Maybe love me just a little more than I can believe someone would love me.  Show me I'm worth his time.  Because if not, maybe he's not worth mine.