...

Is it wrong that I want a grand gesture next time?  I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet and I'll be there in his arms shocked like, "wait, me?  you choose me?!"  I'm tired of the emotional turmoil that comes along with realizing that I'm 25 and that I might just be alone forever.  Am I an idealist in this?  Absolutely.  Does that mean that I'll be alone forever?  I hope not.  I know plenty of people who have absolutely sweet love stories, so I know it's not unattainable.  Is it wrong that I want that for me?  I don't think so.  Does this suck because it means I need to be patient?  Yes.  Does this suck because my timing and God's timing doesn't always line up and he knows best?  Yes.  Will I stop looking?  I'll try, I think I'll be more sane that way.  Will I stop hoping?  Probably never.

my heart hurts

In my head, with the information I have been given, I know it's not meant to be.  But in my heart, it was never meant to end.  Tears come in waves, not all at once.  For the first few days I think I felt relief, a weight off my shoulders, because what had been weighing on me was done.  Then time passed and I was busy with things, and then it hit me and I was flooded with immeasurable sorrow.  I was OK after a day or two, and then went back to being busy with things and distracting my focus.  I thought maybe it was over.  But now, I feel the tears washing over me again.  Part of me wants to crawl into a cave and hold myself tightly in a ball until the world around me disappears, until maybe I disappear.  Not forever, just maybe until all this goes away, until all is right with the world again.  Because all does not feel right with the world.  I don't have people that I talk to about these things.  He was the person I talked to - about everything.  Other friends don't seem available when I need them.  The worst thing ever is to give someone a call and reach voicemail or have them answer and say they're busy and then never get back to me.  It makes me not even want to try sometimes.  I know that this is just a breakup, and I did the breaking up, and we parted on good terms, are still friends, but I feel like what we had is lost.  I feel like my best friend died, and like I killed him.

Some Music...

So, I was inspired today by my friend Lucas Schrock-Hurst.  He's pursuing music and has been making albums as Lightning Lucas.  (Check his stuff out at lightninglucas.com!)

It reminded me about how I write songs from time to time, mainly inspired by my dad, who has an album of his own music, "Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus".  (Check out his YouTube channel... all the stuff with a tree as the background is from that album).

When I was 7 I wrote a song called "Jesus You Are My Lord" that went like this:

Jesus, you are my Lord
And my Fortress
Jesus, you are my Savior
And my Redeemer!
Jesus, I love you, and you love me.

(Throw in a repeat, and there you go!  It's quite sweet, really.)


Then, through middle and high school, oh those angsty years, I wrote songs and poetry to creatively process life.  The main difference between the two was that songs I intended to be songs to begin with, and the poetry often didn't work to music.

So... today, when I was inspired by Lightning Lucas, it was to put the things I had written out there.  I don't know if this will become a thing or be a one time sort of event.  But so far I have two songs I have recorded, just my voice, no accompaniment, because I haven't written music for any.

Looking for HOME.

Home for me is that sense of belonging that isn't tied to a specific place.  It is the belonging one finds in intentional community with other people.

Since moving to Texas I have felt rather alone because I have not sought that community.  I think I felt that this transitional time in my life would be less permanent than it has become, and why put down roots if I'm just going to painfully pull them up again?  But I wonder, if I begin to believe that moving here was more than just having a reliable place to stay, that maybe there was some other purpose in it, if I choose to let this become home, what sorts of gifts I may find hiding?

I long for intentional community, but I also believe that I suck at it.  It's hard for me to truly let people into my life and takes a lot of energy to truly invest myself in theirs as well.

I remember parts of college with fondness -- you know, if you wanted to hang out with people there was always someone to be found.

I loved roommate dates and weekly lunch dates with friends - sometimes old roommates, classmates, sometimes other MKs.  (Let's be honest, rarely other MKs.  I'm not sure why, but I didn't invest as much time with these people who I am supposed to have a lot in common with as I sort of wish I had.)

I spent my first 2.5 years living here spending my best hours working retail and the rest of the time recovering from work just to go back the next day.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  There was some fulfillment in that -- I love helping people and retail allowed me to do that -- but, in the end, the exhaustion outweighed the reward and I find myself still in Texas after 3 years with few friends - fewer who actually live in my part of the city - and hardly any community to speak of.  I know it is there if I actively look for it.  Future community of awesome people, home, will you look for me, too?