Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Things to Come
What is to come? I graduated from school, moved to Texas, and started a retail job. This feels right for now, but it also just feels like a via point, like I'm just passing through here for a short time. I missed a call today from the English Language Institute to try and recruit me to go overseas next year for 11 months and teach English in South Asia. I also had an email from them waiting in my inbox. For some reason, this contact really struck me and I was inspired to look the organization up again. When I was still in school I had no interest in committing to serving overseas. I was very one-track minded and could only really focus on the stress of getting through school. I went to the booths at Missions Conference because I was supposed to care about what was happening overseas and here and was supposed to want to volunteer, but I really had no interest. Finishing school was the only goal -- what would happen after that with an art degree and 100,000 different possible life paths? Who knows, but I knew that I had to finish school. Now it's a whole new story. I moved back home and I don't think I want to stay here long term. I got a job in retail, and I don't think I can handle that long term. I don't feel like working as a cashier at a large chain store really is a valuable fulfilling job. I feel like it is a position most anyone could fill. I am utterly replaceable. I remember that every day as I make small mistakes and wonder why they haven't fired me already -- though me thinks I am a bit hard on myself. Even so, where I'm at in life feels very transitional, like I would go crazy if it lasted, like it's not supposed to last. From that position, going overseas and teaching English for 11 months sounds wonderful. I'm in transition as it is -- that at least would be more interesting transition... and maybe I am in this place of change for a reason, maybe it's where I need to be to be willing to open my heart to whatever God has for me. Nothing is in stone right now. I have a part time job and I live at home. I have toyed with the idea of going back to school, but I am thinking that I want to put that off for a few years -- narrow down what graduate studies to pursue. Having nothing in stone is both completely freeing and utterly terrifying, but I think it's important right now and that I need to embrace it, to let myself experience life and grow up a bit. Time for a quarter life crisis? Or maybe just to fall on my knees at the feet of a creator and give this life into his hands to be used however it ought to be used.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
From A Distance
Earlier tonight I pondered the idea that "everything looks better from a distance" and posted it on my twitter feed with the hashtag "nostalgia." A friend replied to that saying that he could come up with exceptions to that, and I said I wanted a list. That made me think more about my statement and perhaps why I wrote it.
These, my musings:
Things look better from a distance? Maybe because from a distance, there is no commitment to do anything. If a plan is still in the future, it can be changed. If something is in the past, it is set, and cannot be altered, but at least it is from a time and day past. But this applies not just to time. If I see someone in the distance who is attractive, they need not know I see them at all and they certainly need not know how I see them. Distance hides blemishes that can only be seen up close and distance allows for retreat. Distance is an invisible barrier between people that for some creates a sense of security. Some think, or really, I have thought, that if anyone every really got to know me, they would run the other direction and not look back. Distance makes sure that I never find out if that is someone's response, because if they can never get close enough, how would they ever know to run away? I can thus be satisfied in the fantasy that I am loved for exactly who I am by people who do not know exactly who I am. It seems difficult, probably impossible, for a person to love another based on qualities unknown to them.
The sad part about distance? In distance there is only observation of and not true relationship with and to others. In distance there are no true friendships. In distance remains only loneliness.
These, my musings:
Things look better from a distance? Maybe because from a distance, there is no commitment to do anything. If a plan is still in the future, it can be changed. If something is in the past, it is set, and cannot be altered, but at least it is from a time and day past. But this applies not just to time. If I see someone in the distance who is attractive, they need not know I see them at all and they certainly need not know how I see them. Distance hides blemishes that can only be seen up close and distance allows for retreat. Distance is an invisible barrier between people that for some creates a sense of security. Some think, or really, I have thought, that if anyone every really got to know me, they would run the other direction and not look back. Distance makes sure that I never find out if that is someone's response, because if they can never get close enough, how would they ever know to run away? I can thus be satisfied in the fantasy that I am loved for exactly who I am by people who do not know exactly who I am. It seems difficult, probably impossible, for a person to love another based on qualities unknown to them.
The sad part about distance? In distance there is only observation of and not true relationship with and to others. In distance there are no true friendships. In distance remains only loneliness.
Life's Good
I find that when I have joyous things to say, I share them on facebook, or twitter. when I feel like venting and I hope for a few readers but also hope that perhaps the venue is less frequented by everyone I love and hold dear, I tend to post here. I realize it is probably not wise to share personal feelings in an online format that could be read by anyone anywhere, but I write this knowing that, because I need to write, and I want someone to see where I am at and maybe "get" me a little better.
As a preface, let me say that graduating from college, moving to a new state, starting a new job, turning over a new leaf... whatever you want to call my current major transition -- well, it puts me in a very lonely place. I know I somewhat brought this on myself, as I could have found a way to stay in California if that is what I wanted, but I was so ready to get out, to put college behind me and move on. I think despite my dislike of transition and feeling in a state of limbo, the need for constant change is ingrained in my MK soul. Four years in California, four years in college... and now I'm itching for something new, hoping to somehow find more pieces to a puzzle that fell apart when I left my childhood home, a puzzle that still isn't complete.
One musing was that some of the "puzzle pieces" missing were friends that I have held dear
and so we have...
"Life's Good"
Life's pretty good - yeah
Thanks for asking
It's full of everything they say I need --
a job, a breath, some food, a car, a home;
a friend to laugh with every now and then
If you're wanting to know I'm fine
Don't worry your pretty head
Don't worry --
But if you want to see what's really inside of me
Take a closer look and find my heart
Life's pretty good - yeah, well
Maybe awful
I find that when I stop to think --
a job, a breath, some food, a car, a home;
but you're not here to laugh with now and then
If you're wanting to know I'm fine
Don't worry your pretty head
This battle's mine.
but i find that when I take a break
and think of all you were to me, all the things that used to be --
what isn't any more
it breaks my heart to see how far we've come
away from where we were
how far away now we seem to be.
is everything just better from a distance
are memories too good to be true
just going through the motions or so it seems
i wish things that were - would be
but maybe I should dream a different dream
maybe it's time to grow up
time to say goodbye --
and I know that time was long ago,
but I refuse to give up my dream
that things that were, could be.
As a preface, let me say that graduating from college, moving to a new state, starting a new job, turning over a new leaf... whatever you want to call my current major transition -- well, it puts me in a very lonely place. I know I somewhat brought this on myself, as I could have found a way to stay in California if that is what I wanted, but I was so ready to get out, to put college behind me and move on. I think despite my dislike of transition and feeling in a state of limbo, the need for constant change is ingrained in my MK soul. Four years in California, four years in college... and now I'm itching for something new, hoping to somehow find more pieces to a puzzle that fell apart when I left my childhood home, a puzzle that still isn't complete.
One musing was that some of the "puzzle pieces" missing were friends that I have held dear
and so we have...
"Life's Good"
Life's pretty good - yeah
Thanks for asking
It's full of everything they say I need --
a job, a breath, some food, a car, a home;
a friend to laugh with every now and then
If you're wanting to know I'm fine
Don't worry your pretty head
Don't worry --
But if you want to see what's really inside of me
Take a closer look and find my heart
Life's pretty good - yeah, well
Maybe awful
I find that when I stop to think --
a job, a breath, some food, a car, a home;
but you're not here to laugh with now and then
If you're wanting to know I'm fine
Don't worry your pretty head
This battle's mine.
but i find that when I take a break
and think of all you were to me, all the things that used to be --
what isn't any more
it breaks my heart to see how far we've come
away from where we were
how far away now we seem to be.
is everything just better from a distance
are memories too good to be true
just going through the motions or so it seems
i wish things that were - would be
but maybe I should dream a different dream
maybe it's time to grow up
time to say goodbye --
and I know that time was long ago,
but I refuse to give up my dream
that things that were, could be.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
silent frenzy
I returned to the place that is now home from the place that once used to be last Tuesday night, and, since, I have found myself in a state of turmoil that I haven't been able to describe to anyone. Instead I have found solace within the four walls of my room, or working hours at my data entry job. There is something wonderfully mind-numbing about sitting at a computer, typing for hours information about people who live lives that I am generally not a part of. Music creates an additional mind-numbing layer; any thoughts that would be thunk are drowned out by clever lyrics and soothing melodies. Such are the joys of work that allows one to enjoy headphones and music player while doing tedious tasks for pay.
Why this silent frenzy, one may ask? Well, there are a good many reasons. I found out through reading a facebook note that appeared on my feed the day before I left my old home for my current one that my grandmother had passed away. My mom didn't know yet, and I didn't want her to find out through her daughter who found out via the impersonal venue of the internet. I hoped with all the hope I could hope that one of her siblings would call or email her with the breaking news. Needless to say, I died that day; so much emotion that I felt I could not tell anyone the cause of. I sat in front of the television and flipped through cable channels, coming across a movie that seemed like a reasonable distraction, only to realize that it was My Girl, which, although is an incredibly sweet movie, ends with tears. It fit my mood so well that it successfully deepened my misery. Not only was I thinking about my grandmother, and how my mom would take it, but about the little boy from the movie and the devastation the girl felt who lost her best friend.
That, I suppose, is the main reason -- without it, I doubt this hovering depressive cloud would be so dismal. Though, of course, a new semester will start soon, so I have had to deal with all the tedious details of registration and final course selection -- changing my mind at the last minute about the classes I want to take. I have been torn between taking an independent study figure drawing III class and taking ceramics II and finally decided to take ceramics, yesterday, because I guess I miss it more than figure drawing even if it was only last semester and figure II was last spring. If only I had known I would go this route at the end of last fall I wouldn't have run around like such a maniac the last week of pre-registration to get all the signatures and course description and stuff for the arranged course filled out and turned in. I'm also working on finding an internship for summer because I have heard some people talk about the difficulties of finding internships and to not leave that off for the last minute. I have heard back from some people, but the problem is that most of them seem to need an intern right now and I don't think I have time in my schedule this spring to accommodate that... and because summer is still several months away, I haven't wanted to actually go check out my possibilities or be interviewed. Once that happens I feel like I will want to be able to devote my whole time to it to make sure I, first off, find an internship... and secondly, can actually devote my time and attention to the internship without feeling too pulled in every direction, scattered.
I guess it would be safe to say that I am stressed right now and dealing with it by being a bit of a recluse. My sister has a lot of pressure on her at the moment because she is working on finishing up a master's degree and applying to doctorate programs, and I am her chosen person to spill to. I guess I should be honored, but patience is difficult when I am dealing with my own stuff and don't really have a chosen spill person at the moment = hence this blog I guess, though I don't know how good it is to share personal life details via blog post. I would talk to my sister, but since she is also in crisis mode - and perhaps more so than me, she really isn't a good option. I don't have many people that I feel I can openly share my heart and mind with; there is always some wall of social protocol that I have placed in the way, some reason that my sharing of my problems to other people will make me a burden to them. I know this is wrong thinking, but it's a really hard thought to overcome.
At the moment I have been avoiding social situations as much as possible - maybe that's why I'm holed up in my room when I'm not at work, though I suppose still suffering from the side-effects of jetlag could be another possibility: by the time I get back from work at 2pm I am so exhausted from having to be at work at 10am after not getting enough sleep because I couldn't sleep because of jetlag that all I want to do is nap. When I succumb to that temptation to sleep, I wake up in time for a reasonable hour to sleep so as not to be so tired when the next 10am and 2pm roll around.
I think I might be all typed out.
Why this silent frenzy, one may ask? Well, there are a good many reasons. I found out through reading a facebook note that appeared on my feed the day before I left my old home for my current one that my grandmother had passed away. My mom didn't know yet, and I didn't want her to find out through her daughter who found out via the impersonal venue of the internet. I hoped with all the hope I could hope that one of her siblings would call or email her with the breaking news. Needless to say, I died that day; so much emotion that I felt I could not tell anyone the cause of. I sat in front of the television and flipped through cable channels, coming across a movie that seemed like a reasonable distraction, only to realize that it was My Girl, which, although is an incredibly sweet movie, ends with tears. It fit my mood so well that it successfully deepened my misery. Not only was I thinking about my grandmother, and how my mom would take it, but about the little boy from the movie and the devastation the girl felt who lost her best friend.
That, I suppose, is the main reason -- without it, I doubt this hovering depressive cloud would be so dismal. Though, of course, a new semester will start soon, so I have had to deal with all the tedious details of registration and final course selection -- changing my mind at the last minute about the classes I want to take. I have been torn between taking an independent study figure drawing III class and taking ceramics II and finally decided to take ceramics, yesterday, because I guess I miss it more than figure drawing even if it was only last semester and figure II was last spring. If only I had known I would go this route at the end of last fall I wouldn't have run around like such a maniac the last week of pre-registration to get all the signatures and course description and stuff for the arranged course filled out and turned in. I'm also working on finding an internship for summer because I have heard some people talk about the difficulties of finding internships and to not leave that off for the last minute. I have heard back from some people, but the problem is that most of them seem to need an intern right now and I don't think I have time in my schedule this spring to accommodate that... and because summer is still several months away, I haven't wanted to actually go check out my possibilities or be interviewed. Once that happens I feel like I will want to be able to devote my whole time to it to make sure I, first off, find an internship... and secondly, can actually devote my time and attention to the internship without feeling too pulled in every direction, scattered.
I guess it would be safe to say that I am stressed right now and dealing with it by being a bit of a recluse. My sister has a lot of pressure on her at the moment because she is working on finishing up a master's degree and applying to doctorate programs, and I am her chosen person to spill to. I guess I should be honored, but patience is difficult when I am dealing with my own stuff and don't really have a chosen spill person at the moment = hence this blog I guess, though I don't know how good it is to share personal life details via blog post. I would talk to my sister, but since she is also in crisis mode - and perhaps more so than me, she really isn't a good option. I don't have many people that I feel I can openly share my heart and mind with; there is always some wall of social protocol that I have placed in the way, some reason that my sharing of my problems to other people will make me a burden to them. I know this is wrong thinking, but it's a really hard thought to overcome.
At the moment I have been avoiding social situations as much as possible - maybe that's why I'm holed up in my room when I'm not at work, though I suppose still suffering from the side-effects of jetlag could be another possibility: by the time I get back from work at 2pm I am so exhausted from having to be at work at 10am after not getting enough sleep because I couldn't sleep because of jetlag that all I want to do is nap. When I succumb to that temptation to sleep, I wake up in time for a reasonable hour to sleep so as not to be so tired when the next 10am and 2pm roll around.
I think I might be all typed out.
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