cowgirl wishings

When I was younger, I had a grand dream that I would buy property someday on the Yakima River (where my Grandma lived) in Washington State.  There I would own horses and start my own teddy bear factory business.  I was thinking again about the dream of horses.  I don't know now if I would really want to own and take care of my own horses unless that could somehow be my income-providing job rather than some side thing to do at the end of every long work day.  I typed into google: "mommy i want to be a cowgirl when i grow up" and came across a blog post which I link Here.  I related a lot to her sentiments of using horse-riding as a means of escape -- the idea of being able to just pack some saddle bags and ride away really resonated with me.  Still, I do think I would enjoy living and working on a ranch; wearing my hair in braids and having a reason to own a plethora of plaid shirts and to buy a good pair of cowgirl boots.  There's something about the stillness and beauty of nature and being in a place where, even with all the hard labor, one would be able to soak in its majesty.

"Benefits" of Having a Common Name

Well, anonymity.  You have to know more about me than my name to find me online.

There have been songs (or at least one) written about me...



Jennifer Johnson and Me
by Shel Silverstein

Deep in the pocket of a lost sport coat jacket,
I chanced to discover an old memory,
Three for a quarter, a black and white protrait,
Taken of Jennifer Johnson and me.

I'm in the corner with my collar open
Like some Latin lover on late night TV.
Sittin' right here with her head on my shoulder,
Jennifer Johnson, she's smiling at me.

It must have been summer, Nineteen Sixty Seven,
The Beatles were singin' that love's all you need.
I held her hand as we walked through the arcade,
Two young believers on a two dollar spree.

Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait.
Jen closed the curtain so no one could see.
Hey, kiss me quick, 'cause the red light is flashin'
Flashin' on Jennifer Johnson and me.

Waiting for that late night train back to Homewood,
I felt her warmth in the cool evenin' breeze,
Told her I'd probably love her forever,
Forever for Jennifer Johnson and me.

Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Two young believers on a three dollar spree.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket.
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?

Three for a quarter, a black and white portrait,
Jen, close the curtain, so no one can see.
I saved the picture in my sportcoat pocket,
Jennifer Johnson, did you save one of me?

Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858580560/#AzdvE4rkSblRlTH2.99

Also I found a book with my name in the title... "Jennifer Johnson is Sick of Being Single"... which many days is true.  I recently discovered that the author, Heather McElhatton, has written a sequel to this titled "Jennifer Johnson is Sick of Being Married."  I do hope someday to be married, but I certainly hope that I don't get sick of it... or if I do, that such could be worked out.

Some visual delights:

 

stagnant.

I am learning that a life without goals is a stagnant one.  I often dismiss the idea of goal making and planning too much ahead because the future is unpredictable.  I know I wasn't always this way.  I used to be a dreamer; not just a dreamer, but a practical dreamer I guess.  I used to make plans and then follow them through, even years later.  I decided I would study art in college when I was in elementary school.  I chose Biola when I was 13.  Lately though all I see are lots of doors with uncertain paths ahead of them.  I'm scared to choose one fearing that perhaps all the others will close and what I do choose won't be the right one.  But living in this fear has made my life feel very slow and like a drudgery.  I get up in the morning, drive to work, drive home again, eat, sleep, repeat.  I don't mind the work I do, but I don't feel like it's something I want to do forever - maybe not even for a year from now.  It's my in-between time-buying way to spend my time and make a little money to live.

Floating in my head for the past months are things I think I would like to do as well as things I know I will do, and me trying to figure out how they can fit together.  I know I want to keep my job for at least a year - good for the resume, and good for the loan payments.  I know that I don't want to quit my job until I have something else to do with my life.  I know that more school (one of my options) is constrained by scholastic calendars.  I would like to do something abroad with ELIC or some similar organization, I would like to do something with ceramics, and I would like to study art therapy.  I've been going back and forth as to what I should study for my next college degree, and I think I would like to branch out a little from fine art -- study something related but that is also totally different and has a more potentially directed career path.

I believe I wrote about this in a previous blog post -- all my confusion, but also ELIC.  Maybe this is proof that it is something I should go after, as I don't tend to write new blog posts unless my reeling mind compels me to.  Next July is Melody's wedding.  Next August I will have worked at my current place of employment for a year.  Maybe around then I should be moving forward to something new.  After working with ELIC for a year, obviously see what else could open up from that experience, but I could apply to art therapy programs -- right now I have my eye on Emporia State University in KS.  (It would be really cool if I could study art therapy using ceramics.)  I've also considered applying for a ceramics residency I found in GA.  I don't feel like that's a right now thing though for some reason.

With the New Year coming up I'm thinking that I need to write some new resolutions.  In 2013 I resolve to actually apply to programs that sound interesting, even if they involve scary things like trusting God and fundraising.  I resolve not to settle for easy, but to strive for awesome.  It's so easy to be consumed with my own woes and with everything I have or have not experienced in life and everything I do or do not have, whether material, relational, experiential... or otherwise.  (I can't think of what the otherwise would be... but added it to cover anything I may have missed.)  I also resolve to pray and journal more... and continue to write people postcards and letters.  I feel like I have lost touch with life. with people. and with God.

a river must run its course

I feel like I always have the urge to run away from wherever I am, never quite satisfied.  It's the vagabond quality that I feel is ingrained in my soul.  Maybe there's more to it than that, but I haven't discovered it yet.  Maybe my vagabond soul is evidence of being called to something that I haven't discovered yet.  I'm forever reaching and never quite satisfied.  I keep thinking about all these wonderful things I could pursue, things more wonderful than standing for eight hours in a day greeting people and helping them with their purchases.  Of all the jobs I could do, retail isn't that bad.  In fact, I mostly like it.  However I can't help but think that I was made for something more than this, that I haven't found it yet, that I haven't arrived... that perhaps it's an ok in-between place to be, perhaps a temporary calling? but I haven't reached what I am really meant to be doing, what I was made to be doing.  I have toyed with getting another degree, but in business, so that I can someday open my own tea shop, sell art, and grow community.  However, a degree in business doesn't draw me much right now.  I have also considered a degree in education, or at least a teaching credential, but that also seems dry, like a bunch of hoops to jump through to do something I enjoy that may be tainted by the politics of a school environment.  ...Or I could go back to school for an MFA in... what?  painting?  drawing?  ceramics?  realistic or abstract?  I'm not sure that's the perfect path either.  If only I could be paid to create whatever I wanted to create... or if I could just make art and not worry about having to pay off school or having to have a roof over my head or clothes or food.  I'm not so much worried about the every day necessities, but knowing I have loan payments coming due soon is scary.  Out of all the paths ahead of me on this dimly lit road of feeling the necessity of further education, I feel like I am stumbling most in the direction of a degree in art therapy.  It seems like it would be a nice mix of creativity and intellectual pursuit... of making art, writing papers, and helping people.  To do that, I need to move.  Any preferences for a new state for me to exist in?  Texas, in all its glory, does not have any art therapy masters programs.  California costs too much.  I'm leaning towards Emporia State University in Kansas... but I want to take more time to think before I apply.  I could also do a ceramics residency.  I could also do so many things.  When it seems like few opportunities lay ahead, it merely means that I haven't really looked.