my mind keeps reeling with so many thoughts that deserve to be penned, or typed, as the case may be. i was sitting in my young adult literature class tonight realizing, yet again, how little i understand about popular teen culture -- which is bad, since that's kind of what the class is about. Books written for teenagers, young adult literature, is supposed to speak to the popular culture of a teen, but I was never a part of that culture. Sure, i cared what people thought of me, a lot actually, and I still do, sometimes, but I never gave in to popular MEDIA culture... or fashion... i've always had my own style, my own thing... I wear something if it's cute or I like how it looks on me or whatever... but it has to suit me... and a lot of time "fashionable stuff" doesn't really suit me. I've never had a crush on a movie star; how realistic is it for some 30 something to fall in love with me, 19, previously younger than that? I never bought into that. I wouldn't even admit it, most of the time, if I thought an actor was cute... or even a boy my own age... because it's never really been about looks for me. I love getting inside a person, finding out who they really are, who they were made to be. I fall in love with the core of a person... with who they are and how they are letting that shine, not in love with their exterior. What is an exterior but wrapping on a present? The true gift is what is inside... and that's not supposed to be cliche or mushy at all... it's what I really believe. The more I know a person, the more I know both their flaws and their good qualities, the more I love them, because they have allowed me to see their humanity... they have let me glimpse a true portrait of their soul and that is refreshing... because all people make mistakes and everyone has a closet filled with cobwebbed memories from the past that they wish never existed... everyone has gone through stuff that has shaped them into who they are, good or bad. What frustrates me more than anything is when people hide who they really are for fear of rejection. I reject you for your fake perfection... if you showed me who you really were, I would love you.
that may sound twisted, I don't know... but I really do despise perfection, because it is an unattainable concept... and although we are to be "perfect as Christ also was perfect"... (what does that even mean?) perfection in this life really isn't attainable, so stop wasting your time trying to be that way!... sorry, i'm mostly screaming at myself... because I know that I hate being wrong and I hate failure of any kind... but I also know that failure is ok and being wrong is ok... and they are even good, they build character. what i hate most about perfection, however, is when people put up the facade of perfection... oh how much they must work to keep it up, and i don't envy the struggle... (though in some sinister way i admire it... sinister simply because facades tear at the core of who a person is...)... but a person who is easy for me to love is a person who doesn't let fears of acceptance define them... they accept and love who they are and they shine because they're ok with being imperfect... and embrace it even.
yah... just my thoughts at the moment. don't sue me, i may be partially insane. one can never quite be sure... but anyone's thoughts are valid proof that a person indeed thinks... and is not sucked into a non-thinking, always accepting void of humanity that always follows all the fish ahead of them in a stream going to the pretty golden palace of popularity which they will later find out is really a ruse to get them to be part of a fish fry... the fish part... (I mean, if they danced really well or kept up the perfect act long enough they might survive... but most don't... fish fries are harsh when you're the fish.)
