isfx

I try not to focus too much on personality typing because it's easy to go too far in creating unmoving boxes for myself and others.  Yet, every once in awhile I look at it all again and I find a bit of clarity.  I have always tested as an ISFJ, but have frequently considered that personality type to be boring and wondered if I could be something more wonderful like an ISFP.  Then I have analyzed what types others must be and looked at the type relationships between those.  Sometimes I get far too caught up and I have to stop and put it all out of my mind for a time.  This morning, in some just-got-up hazy confusion and feeling a need for peace of mind and clarity I read through type descriptions again and realized that ISFJ does fit me pretty well.  ISFP fits me alright, too, but I think I do lean more J.  I'm not as adventurous and spur of the moment as I would like to believe.  Regardless, I am certainly an ISF.  The last letter is a bit fuzzy sometimes.  I find typing useful in understanding myself better and having a starting point for understanding other people.  I think it is just that, a starting point for understanding, not a palm reading or something that says exactly how your life with turn out.  It categorizes the way a person understands and interacts with life.  I find it useful for reminding me of my downfalls as well as my strengths, that I might better interact with people and with life.

...

On my way home from work today I was thinking about how random and fascinating my life must seem to some people.  I mean, I was born and grew up in the Philippines.  I lived in California when I was 3 and 8 and then when I moved there for college.  I lived in Washington State when I was 13.  When I was 22 I moved from California to Texas, effectively moving "home" to live with my parents after college, but I had never lived in Texas before, hence moving "home" was the idea of moving to live with my parents, not a familiar place.  At 23 I was a bridesmaid in one of my best friend's weddings... in South Carolina... and got to meet up with a good friend from high school again who I started dating a few months after that.  Oh, btw, he lives in Arkansas.  To simplify, I grew up in the Philippines, went to college in California, am now living in Texas, and somehow I'm dating a guy in Arkansas.  My life is so spread over so many places.  Yet, I feel very little connection to each place.  It is in the people that I find my home, and in that, as long as I have connections everywhere, everywhere can be home.  (Though, simultaneously, nowhere is.)

when I grow up

You know, I'm not sure we ever stop growing up.  And I'm not sure we ever reach a point where we feel like we have "made it."  At least I haven't.  I know I'm young yet, but I'm not sure I ever will.  When I was in elementary school I thought that when I grew up I would go to school for art, then start my own teddy bear factory and live on the Yakima River in Washington and own horses.  I also planned to return to the Philippines and teach art at my alma mater.  Back then I didn't know what an alma mater was.  I have come so far.  Right now I can say that I have followed the first step of my childhood dreaming - I have a college degree in art.  I don't know if I want to start a teddy bear factory anymore.  People I tell that dream to are like, "oh, like build-a-bear?"  so I guess it's been done.  But not like build a bear.  Like the book on teddy bear factories I read in elementary school with the big machines that cut out all the bear pieces in multi-quantities and I would design and oversee them all.  I had an "International Collection" all planned with ethnic garb, and everything.  I named the future company "Sweet Dreams Teddy Bear Factory."  Of course this was all because I had an assignment to write about my future dreams and had to come up with something, and I liked art and teddy bears and had recently read the book about teddy bear factories.  (Also, my aunt whom I absolutely loved owned horses and my grandparents lived on the Yakima River.)

Now that I'm out of college I'm like, "what was that for?"... I studied something I loved because I wanted to do it, forever.  But real life struck and said, "but you have student loans!  and even if you didn't, it's really tough to support yourself with an artist's salary!"... I was going to be smart at first and study graphic design, because you can actually make money with that.  But I'm a rolling in the mud traditional media girl.  I like my art to be in your face and on my face, to come out of the studio surrounded by a halo of charcoal dust, grinning, looking like I just emerged from the coal mines.  I know I could make my work more digital, but that still wouldn't solve the problem that I like doing art because it's art, not because someone needs a cool looking sign for their company or some logo and letterheads designed.  I'm not actually that interested in that stuff.  I could do it, but it doesn't bring me the same joy that I have seen it bring others who were actually made to be designers.  No, I'm a studio artist.

I got a day job out of college.  I had to pay off those loans and live somehow!  (the real secret was moving home.  My parents have been lifesavers when it comes to me, well, not dying.)  I don't know what my plan was.  I didn't have one.  The job was to buy time until I found something that I loved more or some reason to move away again.  Neither has happened yet.  And the day job has actually grown on me.  Well, I never disliked it, anyway, I just found it exhausting.  And now that my day job has turned into a full-time day job it's exhausting full time!  (The good part is that my loans are being fed and destroyed, the bad part is that I have less time and less energy in that time to figure out what I really want to do when I grow up.)

My problem is that I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  And I'm not very good at putting myself out there.  Part of it is that I'm not really aware, I think, of what skills I have and what those would qualify me for.  I keep going back to this notion about starting my own business, but I know that's a lot of work.  When I was in elementary school -- yes, I'm going back again to my primary days -- the way I figured it, when I was older if I couldn't find a job I would make a job.  I would open my own store where I would sell handmade things like cards and handbags and other gift shop type things.  I still have this urge sometimes.  My ideas for handmade things have become more elaborate, though.  I want to make my own handmade books and journals -- maybe even write, illustrate, and bind my own storybooks.  I want to make my own ceramics -- functional tea sets and other unique functional and decorative ware.  I could also sell hats, scarves, afghans -- anything crocheted.  I like making a lot of things, and I would love a job where I could be paid to make stuff.  The problem is that I'm slow to get the ball rolling, and again, I'm bad at marketing myself.

Maybe when I grow up I'll own my own tea and gifts shop, or maybe I'll do something even more spectacular than that, something I have yet to imagine.  A girl has got to dream if she ever hopes to reach the stars.

that day with hearts.

Well, friends, Valentine's Day is in less than a week.  This means that more and more customers will come in to my work frantically looking for last minute Valentine projects and cards and will be more and more disappointed with how little the store has left to offer.  I think it's interesting, working in retail it's like I'm living a few months in the future.  In my store it's simultaneously Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter.  And it's definitely not winter anymore.  The Spring florals, pinwheels, and cute other home decor all claim otherwise.  (Then we look outside and it's snowing.  At least last week.)

This is my first year ever to actually care that Valentine's Day is less than a week away.  What does a girl do for a guy for Valentine's Day that is not over the top but also not under?  I've never had to think about this before.  I think it would be somewhat easier if I actually planned to see him on Friday, but we both work and will probably be limited to Skype.  Anything I give him has to be planned ahead.  Like right now.  So I can send it through the mail.  Or does anyone have any good ideas?  I know that people should feel appreciated every day of the year, not just on special days like this - which one can argue was crafted by the greeting card companies... but still, it's nice to have a day to say, "yeah, you know, I kind of sort of like you."

full time

This full time thing is really kicking the wind out of my sails.  Starting the beginning of this year, I now work around 40 hours a week instead of, well... 25-30?  Those extra hours have made more of a difference than I thought they would.  I used to watch shows, for instance, on hulu.  I would sometimes marathon them when I had an evening to myself and needed down time.  Now I go to my hulu queue and see that I'm behind by 30+ episodes and I don't always have energy to pay attention to even one.  My weekends are significantly sweeter, but they seem to go by faster, too.  I think about visiting friends then take a nap instead.  I'm not sure the point of this post, but I guess I'm more worn out now with these extra hours than I was before.  Full time is a positive thing, but it's also, well, full time.