I returned to the place that is now home from the place that once used to be last Tuesday night, and, since, I have found myself in a state of turmoil that I haven't been able to describe to anyone. Instead I have found solace within the four walls of my room, or working hours at my data entry job. There is something wonderfully mind-numbing about sitting at a computer, typing for hours information about people who live lives that I am generally not a part of. Music creates an additional mind-numbing layer; any thoughts that would be thunk are drowned out by clever lyrics and soothing melodies. Such are the joys of work that allows one to enjoy headphones and music player while doing tedious tasks for pay.
Why this silent frenzy, one may ask? Well, there are a good many reasons. I found out through reading a facebook note that appeared on my feed the day before I left my old home for my current one that my grandmother had passed away. My mom didn't know yet, and I didn't want her to find out through her daughter who found out via the impersonal venue of the internet. I hoped with all the hope I could hope that one of her siblings would call or email her with the breaking news. Needless to say, I died that day; so much emotion that I felt I could not tell anyone the cause of. I sat in front of the television and flipped through cable channels, coming across a movie that seemed like a reasonable distraction, only to realize that it was My Girl, which, although is an incredibly sweet movie, ends with tears. It fit my mood so well that it successfully deepened my misery. Not only was I thinking about my grandmother, and how my mom would take it, but about the little boy from the movie and the devastation the girl felt who lost her best friend.
That, I suppose, is the main reason -- without it, I doubt this hovering depressive cloud would be so dismal. Though, of course, a new semester will start soon, so I have had to deal with all the tedious details of registration and final course selection -- changing my mind at the last minute about the classes I want to take. I have been torn between taking an independent study figure drawing III class and taking ceramics II and finally decided to take ceramics, yesterday, because I guess I miss it more than figure drawing even if it was only last semester and figure II was last spring. If only I had known I would go this route at the end of last fall I wouldn't have run around like such a maniac the last week of pre-registration to get all the signatures and course description and stuff for the arranged course filled out and turned in. I'm also working on finding an internship for summer because I have heard some people talk about the difficulties of finding internships and to not leave that off for the last minute. I have heard back from some people, but the problem is that most of them seem to need an intern right now and I don't think I have time in my schedule this spring to accommodate that... and because summer is still several months away, I haven't wanted to actually go check out my possibilities or be interviewed. Once that happens I feel like I will want to be able to devote my whole time to it to make sure I, first off, find an internship... and secondly, can actually devote my time and attention to the internship without feeling too pulled in every direction, scattered.
I guess it would be safe to say that I am stressed right now and dealing with it by being a bit of a recluse. My sister has a lot of pressure on her at the moment because she is working on finishing up a master's degree and applying to doctorate programs, and I am her chosen person to spill to. I guess I should be honored, but patience is difficult when I am dealing with my own stuff and don't really have a chosen spill person at the moment = hence this blog I guess, though I don't know how good it is to share personal life details via blog post. I would talk to my sister, but since she is also in crisis mode - and perhaps more so than me, she really isn't a good option. I don't have many people that I feel I can openly share my heart and mind with; there is always some wall of social protocol that I have placed in the way, some reason that my sharing of my problems to other people will make me a burden to them. I know this is wrong thinking, but it's a really hard thought to overcome.
At the moment I have been avoiding social situations as much as possible - maybe that's why I'm holed up in my room when I'm not at work, though I suppose still suffering from the side-effects of jetlag could be another possibility: by the time I get back from work at 2pm I am so exhausted from having to be at work at 10am after not getting enough sleep because I couldn't sleep because of jetlag that all I want to do is nap. When I succumb to that temptation to sleep, I wake up in time for a reasonable hour to sleep so as not to be so tired when the next 10am and 2pm roll around.
I think I might be all typed out.
