Some days I'm not that brave. Like right now, sitting on my bed with silent tears spilling down my face. That's usually how I cry, so as not to draw attention to myself - silently. I tend to be extra emotional when I haven't been getting enough sleep or am stressed out, or both - those usually go hand in hand. What am I not brave about? I'm not brave about the major life decisions I'm making lately. I'm not brave about letting my relationship that I ended go. I'm not brave about knowing that everything with the house I'm hoping to get with friends will work out. Mainly thinking about the relationship, but the house thing is gnawing at the back of my brain, too. I know that God loves me, but I also know that doesn't mean everything will always work out how I want it to.
I ended my relationship because there were things that I knew in my head weren't right, even though my heart desperately wanted to never let go. There are days that my heart still grasps for what was and it hurts because it's like I'm grasping at empty air. I was in love, or as close to it as I've ever been, but among other things he was more important to me than I to him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever have a shot at love again. I desperately want to be loved by someone who I can love in return and who I can build a life with, who can be my life partner.
Tonight I'm not that brave. Tonight I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as the rest of the house sleeps because I'm not convinced that there is anyone out there for me, and that truly sucks.
The past several months a lot has happened in my life. In January I quit a job that I had for 2.5 years, for a plethora of reasons. (I think I give a different one every time I bring it up, and they're all true.) Right before quitting my job, I finally set up an Etsy shop so I could sell stuff that I make. In March my only sister and the only person who has been my constant best friend my whole life got married and I gained a brother. Oh yeah, and I turned 25. In April, I think, I visited my friend in Arkansas who I had previously dated because I needed to get out of town and I hadn't seen him in awhile. We decided to try dating again. Also, I had my first kiss. A few weeks later I visited one of my best friends in Wisconsin because I hadn't seen her in far too long. I started having doubts about my relationship and if it was a good idea to have started it up again. I visited Arkansas again in May and hung out with my boyfriend and his friends - they had a reunion of sorts. The problem is, every time I see this guy, all I know is that I really like him. Heart takes over from head. A few weeks later, after much deliberation and a long conversation, I ended the relationship. The second time around it was rather short lived. The day after that long conversation, I was interviewed for a new job. Several weeks later I started that job. I feel like the last few months have been a transition for me, the end of many things and the beginning of many new ones. I quit one job, started two others. I gained a brother. I lost a boyfriend, though I retained a friend. Now I'm looking at moving away from my parent's house, at least for the next year. I feel like I keep being given new adventures, partially because I've been open to going on them. I'm hoping God has something interesting in store for me soon. Although so much has happened lately and maybe because so much has been happening, I'm yearning for direction more than ever. Where do I go from here? All I know is I'm taking one step forward at a time. Maybe someday the fog will lift and I'll find the destination. I'm hoping that will include finding a man that loves God and loves me, too, someone I can build a future with. And if not, may God give me the strength to live without.
