feeling alone.

feeling alone.

I know feelings are often false -- if I think about it, I am not alone, in so many ways.  I know there are a lot of people who care about me and I know that God is always with me, but feelings are powerful things and it's hard to brush them away or to always logic them away.  Sometimes I think it's important to give them some credence and try and figure out why I'm feeling that way.

I don't have a lot of close friendships.  Not what I would consider close.  Developing depth takes time and that really sucks.

The person who became one of my closest friends wasn't good for me, and we dated, and now we're not, and I think I miss that.  We talk sometimes, but it's really not the same, and I really try to not need to talk to him right now because I need to move on.  Most days I have, then I feel alone and I miss what we had.  I know he's not right for me, and like I said, most days I have moved on - the days I haven't are days when I would really like a friend to talk to and really need a hug but don't know how to ask for that... so it's not a not moving on from him romantically, I think I'm past that, but not wanting to lose the close friendship I had - but in my brain the two are so closely linked with him that the whole thing is just... something.  I don't know how to put it into words.

I just learned the other day that my ceramics professor killed himself.  It was a couple years ago, and I knew he had passed away, but I don't think I ever knew why.  I assumed it was a natural death due to health problems he had been having possibly linked to so many years in a pottery studio.  That has really hit me deep the last few days.  I read a post online that one of my former classmates wrote in response to what happened right after it happened... and it was reposted in memory of two years since his passing.  It was beautifully written, contemplating his life and death.  I wish he hadn't chosen to leave.  I don't know why he chose to leave.  He's one of those professors who I would love to have gone back to see and now I can't, not in this life.

I could use a shoulder to cry on, just because it's nice to cry sometimes, and someone to hold me close and tell me encouraging things and make me laugh.  and then just sit there and hold me.

...

Looking down from outer space
At this small world from far away
Everything seems in its place
Nothing feels in disarray.

Then flying over earth so big
Glassy seas, cities, trees,
An archeologist doing a dig
A young mother fumbling for her keys --

Daily life activity
Different maybe for you than me
Living our proclivity --
Whatever that may happen to be.

Sometimes it's hard to see
Beyond today, now, me --

As brothers and sisters in other lands
Are having to follow evil demands
Losing lives through shootings, bombings, other disgraces
Sometimes just because of their races
Natural disasters claim some too -- 
Catastrophe and grief strike anew.
Their lives turned upside down from darkness and hate
And sometimes our love comes never or late.

Daily life activity
Jarringly different for you than me
Now that your freedoms are torn away
A colorful world gone dark gray

Flying over earth so grand
Blood red seas, burnt cities, trees
Disasters hitting every land
Chill of death hits the breeze.

I look down from outer space
At this small world from far away
Everything is out of place
The world in turmoil, disarray.

...

How can I live life here in what seems like relative safety and at the same time not forget the horrors of the world?  Every day somewhere in the world something dark happens.  Terrorism, random acts of violence, and yet I'm here in my little bubble of a relatively safe life just living and being and so often forgetting.  How can I reconcile this?  What can I do to not forget, and what can I do to help?