human

the mask. the facade. the display to others of something other than we are. yet, in the end we are still human.

i find myself most drawn to people when i see a flaw in them, when they show me they are human... sometimes it's hard to really genuinely understand that about people until they show themselves flawed. flaws are the most endearing of things. by telling me that you're not perfect, you're placing yourself on my level... because I am CERTAINLY NOT perfect. I have so many flaws and downfalls, i could fill a book describing them... yet, it's so easy to put up the facade of perfection... i do it, too. i only show people what is brilliant about me and mask my flaws... i put on some concealer and lipstick and mascara, and *bam* i'm a different person. what's funny to me, speaking of external facades, and maybe even internal ones, is that people are still most drawn to the most perfect seeming people. the people with the perfect hair, the perfect teeth, the symmetrical face, the expensive makeup... the constant smile, even if plastered on... the fashionable clothes... the lean body... i guess it's because we live in a society of perfection.
but i despise perfection. maybe it's because i'm so imperfect, but mostly because it's not honest. as humans, we are INCAPABLE of attaining perfection... and so to sell yourself to others as perfect is saying that you consider yourself above others, and that is not endearing. If i find out that you also struggle with something in life, then i love you all the more, because in your imperfections... i guess i find a place i can be needed... a place i can serve... and in imperfections i can find a friend, because i have been and am there, in that imperfectness.

in the stillness

YOU speak.

in the quiet, i can hear YOUR voice.

in the loud bustle, all i can hear are my thoughts whirring through my head, worried of what is to come, stressed about projects that seem too much to handle.

...but in the stillness, you capture those thoughts and calm me

...in the quiet, you whisper that all will be well.

honeymoon blues?

so, i know that is a really weird title for a post written by umm... me... considering i'm not married and won't be any time soon... but i was thinking about a conversation with my RA Amy a couple weeks ago... she's an ICS (intercultural studies) major and was wanting to help me with my frustrations with transition... just so i could have someone to talk to... it was really good because i hadn't really talked to anyone for awhile about transition stuff -- besides writing about it here on my blog... which i realize i do quite frequently. she compared adjusting to a new country to a person's first couple years of marriage... first you're in the honeymoon stage... you arrive in the country and everything is incredible... and you're on a high of this "new experience" that is so great... but then you go through rocky ups and downs... because you realize it wasn't as glamorous as you thought it would be... and you become depressed even because you miss life like it was before where you're at... thoughts like, "if only i was somewhere else, i would be happy..." or whatnot... and it's this process of accepting and loving and being ok with everything that is this new place... rather than resenting it because it stole away everything that was familiar.
...you know, just the fact that i can write so much about this should show that i have been slowly seeing the light... because when i am most overwhelmed is when i can't see anything clearly enough to write about it... it's when i'm looking back that i can have 20-20 vision... and see what's really going on.
anyway... i thought it was an interesting analogy, to say the least... and it really made me think. but a lot of things do, i suppose.

a lovely video i made today of a song i wrote awhile ago... put to a slideshow of images... i thought you might enjoy... :

bliss

maybe everything will work out ok. maybe I should just let God have his hands in my life... and not try to make it on my own. even though that is hard when it feels like the world is spinning out of control. I still don't have a roommate for next year, but that is for God to bring some amazing situation into my life -- and even if it's another imperfect roommate situation, I know that there is a purpose in it. My first roommates were great people, and I'm still amazing friends with one of them. My roommates now are amazing people -- I just don't know them well. I just pray that I won't come out of my second year having had a total of 8 roommates total, since so far I've had four... and I don't want a repeat of this year.
Then there are my classes -- which are going well!... even though they keep me so busy. but busy isn't so bad... and I was so stressed about getting to home depot... yet when I decided just to walk alone the couple blocks... it was so freeing. It was so freeing not having to be tied down by another's schedule, but just to walk alone and freely think and ponder... and to just walk around home depot for a couple hours so I could find everything I needed for my lamp project. There was just such a peace and a calm in the stillness and solitude of those moments. I look at the world more deeply and clearly when it's just me and God... less busyness... less stress.
And then, I spent forever stressing about what I would do this summer... and on a whim applied to Mt. Hermon camps... and I had given up hope that they would call me... and started thinking of alternative plans.... but then this afternoon as I was walking to my math class, my phone rang... and I answered it, and it was a lady from Mt. Hermon calling for a short interview for the crafts job... and she basically said it was mine if I was still free. :) I'm so excited... I went online and started looking up lanyard and beading patterns... and I'm thinking of taking up knitting... so I can teach that along with crochet if anyone wants to learn!!... I feel like it will be my heart poured out! I know it will be a lot of work, but I also think it will be incredible. bliss.
In Christ there are moments of bliss... living outside of Christ there is only this constant wishing and worrying and stressing and... I hate that.

now hiring: mentor or resident best friend

i'm so tired of days like today where i spend my whole day holed up in my room -- stressed over so much that i have to do... and no will to do it.
i'm so tired of days like today where no one seeks me out. no one turns my way. i feel so alone.
i'm so tired of not having someone that i know well and trust to share my life with, in sorrows and joys.
i'm so tired.
i'm so tired of not understanding everything that's "normal".
i'm tired of having to figure out what to do about a roommate because everyone already has one for next year.
i'm tired of people feeling sorry for me when I need a lift. that only drags me down.
now hiring: mentor or resident best friend.
qualifications: willing to get to know me really well and be there for me... and to give me hugs when my day just isn't going right... willing to listen and talk and share with me too... friendships are two-way.
i might be here, but no one really knows me.
they know my name, they know i'm into art, they may even know that i grew up in the Philippines... and the select few might know that this year has been really hard because of that...
but no one knows me like a best friend, or even a good friend, would.