in the midst of suffering...

the last couple days, Biola has held its annual torrey conference, this year on suffering. we have had some incredible speakers. they have told us some incredible things, stuff that all of us needed to hear, because on some level, all of us relate to suffering. we all suffer. we are encouraged to comfort those around us who suffer, and to seek out other people if we are suffering.
but in suffering, who do i seek out? i know that in suffering, God is my number one, he is the lifeline, but how do i tell others i need help and who do i tell?
for the past year and a half that i have been "away" from home, at college, i have not been a very jubilant person. i have had sorrows and i have had joys, but covering it all has been this layer, this thin blanket of depression. my world was altered, drastically, and i don't know how to share the hardship of transition with someone and have them help me through it when the people i talk to don't understand it, or they don't understand the depth of pain that it has caused me, the depth of withdrawal from what was into what is.
...and sometimes i think feeling that pain of loss of home is stupid. i don't like recognizing it as pain; i'd rather shove it under a rug and pretend it's not there, but it is. the people i have talked to either just want everything to be happy and perfect instantly, or i don't feel like they really empathize, or like i said before, they don't understand the depth of the hurt. grief is a process. it's not instantaneous, but i can't walk it alone. yet, who do i have to walk it with? yes, God, but who else? who can i trust to walk with me? yah, my closest friends from high school. where are they? everywhere but here. scattered all over the world.
as i wrote in a status earlier this year on facebook, "now hiring: mentor or resident best friend"... the offer stands.
i'm tired of walking alone.

Rainy Days...

...Roll my blues away?

I honestly confess to spending my entire afternoon/evening in my room. It was delightful. I watched my favorite show for far too many hours, but I think I needed the break from life and school. Microwave-made pasta isn't too shabby, either... or the last of my goldfish crackers dipped in hummus. ...and then marshmallows and chocolate for dessert!... :) it made me so happy.

I was mad at the washing machine, though... it didn't wash my clothes like it promised, so I had to spend an extra dollar to re-wash them... most of them were dry when i took them out to be dried and the bottom ones had soap on them still... like... un-dissolved powdery white stuff.

Beauty Tips

Tonight I was reminded about a poem I once printed out and hung on my wall, right above my bed; it was a good place for it to be.
I thought I should share it with you; it's inspiring.

Beauty Tipsby Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a Woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.

And the beauty of a woman, with passing years only grows!

Oh Life, how I love thee...

Today, the day I must forever record in history. Maybe not. And no, it wasn't terrible, it was good, but my water bottle hates me.
So... a breakdown of it all:

7:30am -- drag self out of bed and get dressed.
8:00am -- arrive at work....
10:00am -- leave work and go to room to get stuff for 4D...

...after this I went to student services to add flex to my card; yes, I did already almost spend $100 of flex... and I've only been here a month... heheh... not so good.

...then I checked mail. Nothing. again. send me stuff. :) ;) :D

...then I went to the caf. for lunch... alone. because i was having trouble getting a hold of people to eat with.

...then halfway through eating, I hear a familiar voice behind me... umm... so... you didn't even say hi? (Just giving you trouble... but I did find it rather comical that you didn't even notice i was sitting right in front of you.)

...then i finished lunch and went to the bookstore to get notecards and pens (since I had like 1 left and was paranoid about it dying)... and when i checked out i was very disorganized with the whole debit card thing and forgetting i had to get my id out since i forgot they rung it up as credit and it was thus needed... and the guy behind the counter didn't seem very thrilled at my being a scatter brain... it took me forever to sign the receipt thing for instance because i had trouble finding the pen on the counter... yah. interesting start to a lovely day... (besides the fact that though I got a ton of sleep last night, i was still really tired...)

...then 4D... thankfully we got out early and all we did was watch Yes Men... I actually don't mind that class most of the time, but considering I had a speech tonight...

...then I went to Albertson's and bought marshmallows and cereal for my how-to speech (I did it on making rice crispy treats...)... and also got some water and some california rolls (fake sushi, heh. :D)... for dinner.

...then........ well, I'll just skip a bunch... but got ready for speech and then gave speech... and actually did very well on the speech, and on my midterm that i got back... but as i was packing up, i threw my water bottle in my bag, but the lid wasn't fully closed, so my cell phone got a bath... and my purse was drenched. I thought everything was ok... just pray my cell phone gets out of its coma soon.

...and now I have a headache, cuz the water ended up in my bag and on my cellphone... and I didn't get to drink it... and I think I'm dehydrated... and I have a big thrilling test tomorrow. bleah.

yah... that's my day in a nutshell... good, sprinkled with annoying.

only time can tell

sometimes i wish
i could tell you the things that run through my mind
but sometimes i know
that some secrets are better kept than spoken.

sometimes i wish
i could decipher what was in my head
but sometimes i know
that with some things, only time can tell.

if you could see my heart and the running dialogue in my mind
if you understood everything that was tearing me in all directions
maybe you could see me
maybe you could understand

but sometimes i fear
that if i were to tell the secrets of my heart
and you were to hear them
they would no longer be secret,
and are you the one whose ears they are meant to tell?

maybe this is why
my thoughts labor within me
a constant pull between one or another.
sometimes i wish i didn't have to choose a side
that perhaps i could ride
on a white picket fence for awhile.
but i know that isn't fair
to be so in-between about something that doesn't affect just me.
but if i choose too hastily,
maybe i'll just choose what's easy;
i like to be free.

sometimes i wish
i could tell you the things that run through my mind
but sometimes i know
that some secrets are better kept than spoken.

sometimes i wish
i could decipher what was in my head
but sometimes i know
that with some things, only time can tell.