the last couple days, Biola has held its annual torrey conference, this year on suffering. we have had some incredible speakers. they have told us some incredible things, stuff that all of us needed to hear, because on some level, all of us relate to suffering. we all suffer. we are encouraged to comfort those around us who suffer, and to seek out other people if we are suffering.
but in suffering, who do i seek out? i know that in suffering, God is my number one, he is the lifeline, but how do i tell others i need help and who do i tell?
for the past year and a half that i have been "away" from home, at college, i have not been a very jubilant person. i have had sorrows and i have had joys, but covering it all has been this layer, this thin blanket of depression. my world was altered, drastically, and i don't know how to share the hardship of transition with someone and have them help me through it when the people i talk to don't understand it, or they don't understand the depth of pain that it has caused me, the depth of withdrawal from what was into what is.
...and sometimes i think feeling that pain of loss of home is stupid. i don't like recognizing it as pain; i'd rather shove it under a rug and pretend it's not there, but it is. the people i have talked to either just want everything to be happy and perfect instantly, or i don't feel like they really empathize, or like i said before, they don't understand the depth of the hurt. grief is a process. it's not instantaneous, but i can't walk it alone. yet, who do i have to walk it with? yes, God, but who else? who can i trust to walk with me? yah, my closest friends from high school. where are they? everywhere but here. scattered all over the world.
as i wrote in a status earlier this year on facebook, "now hiring: mentor or resident best friend"... the offer stands.
i'm tired of walking alone.
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