Maybe I Need a Man

I really do hate to gripe, especially about this, I feel like it makes me seem weak, desperate, and needy as a woman.  I don't want to be any of the above, or be perceived as any of the above.  I'm 22.  I think it's pretty normal to want to be in a relationship at this point, but I'm not.  I never have been.  I have had a few good guy friends over the years, but the ones I may have liked didn't seem interested.  The one - maybe two - who actually showed interest were not really my cup of tea.  I try not to give up hope, but my external optimism is merely a mask and coping mechanism for the pessimist that reigns.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't know many men, and I don't really know how to interact with them either.  I'm at a loss.  I really want to buy into prince charming riding in on a white horse and sweeping me off my feet.  I really want to buy into a fairy tale romance, but if history is any indication, I'm not really the girl that most guys imagine sweeping off her feet.  I try to stand on my own, to find strength in being a single woman and figure out what that means in my life, and I am mostly satisfied.  I try to be satisfied in my singleness because that's where I am at right now, and I can't imagine anything changing anytime soon.  I have friends who had their first kisses in middle school and others who are now married with a kid or two, all my age.  I've hardly even been on any dates - and the few include school sponsored events.  Since I was little I knew I wanted to get married someday and have a family of my own.  The older I get, the more I want this.  I want a husband and children who I can love and care for.  I want to be a wife and a mother.  I don't know how that works.  I'm not sure at this point if a guy asked me out if I would say "yes" out of joy/possible desperation or "no" because it's such a foreign concept to me.  I think though I so want someone in my life, that since such is so against the norm for me, I would have no idea how to be a girlfriend, and I would be really scared.  I need someone who is willing to give me a chance and be patient with lack of knowledge about any of this... but I guess in time, all in good time.