stagnant.

I am learning that a life without goals is a stagnant one.  I often dismiss the idea of goal making and planning too much ahead because the future is unpredictable.  I know I wasn't always this way.  I used to be a dreamer; not just a dreamer, but a practical dreamer I guess.  I used to make plans and then follow them through, even years later.  I decided I would study art in college when I was in elementary school.  I chose Biola when I was 13.  Lately though all I see are lots of doors with uncertain paths ahead of them.  I'm scared to choose one fearing that perhaps all the others will close and what I do choose won't be the right one.  But living in this fear has made my life feel very slow and like a drudgery.  I get up in the morning, drive to work, drive home again, eat, sleep, repeat.  I don't mind the work I do, but I don't feel like it's something I want to do forever - maybe not even for a year from now.  It's my in-between time-buying way to spend my time and make a little money to live.

Floating in my head for the past months are things I think I would like to do as well as things I know I will do, and me trying to figure out how they can fit together.  I know I want to keep my job for at least a year - good for the resume, and good for the loan payments.  I know that I don't want to quit my job until I have something else to do with my life.  I know that more school (one of my options) is constrained by scholastic calendars.  I would like to do something abroad with ELIC or some similar organization, I would like to do something with ceramics, and I would like to study art therapy.  I've been going back and forth as to what I should study for my next college degree, and I think I would like to branch out a little from fine art -- study something related but that is also totally different and has a more potentially directed career path.

I believe I wrote about this in a previous blog post -- all my confusion, but also ELIC.  Maybe this is proof that it is something I should go after, as I don't tend to write new blog posts unless my reeling mind compels me to.  Next July is Melody's wedding.  Next August I will have worked at my current place of employment for a year.  Maybe around then I should be moving forward to something new.  After working with ELIC for a year, obviously see what else could open up from that experience, but I could apply to art therapy programs -- right now I have my eye on Emporia State University in KS.  (It would be really cool if I could study art therapy using ceramics.)  I've also considered applying for a ceramics residency I found in GA.  I don't feel like that's a right now thing though for some reason.

With the New Year coming up I'm thinking that I need to write some new resolutions.  In 2013 I resolve to actually apply to programs that sound interesting, even if they involve scary things like trusting God and fundraising.  I resolve not to settle for easy, but to strive for awesome.  It's so easy to be consumed with my own woes and with everything I have or have not experienced in life and everything I do or do not have, whether material, relational, experiential... or otherwise.  (I can't think of what the otherwise would be... but added it to cover anything I may have missed.)  I also resolve to pray and journal more... and continue to write people postcards and letters.  I feel like I have lost touch with life. with people. and with God.