thoughts and opportunities

I've thought about more school, because I have felt that may be the best way to move forward with my life, but in some ways not doing more school and feeling that more school is necessary is my way of putting life on hold, at least a little bit.  I don't take opportunities because I don't feel qualified enough for them, but I'm just scared of putting myself out there and owning it, whether the outcome is good or bad.

Off and on since school I have looked into artist residencies because that seemed like a good way to move forward in this weird calling of artist.  I was seriously considering a ceramics residency in Georgia about a year ago, but I never finished the application.  I don't think I was ready to move on into the great unknown yet.  That position is currently filled and will be until May of 2014.  I may have to look into it again soon, you know, when the ceramicist is looking for a new studio helper again.  My friend Janine also just posted an opportunity on Facebook at a Lutheran retreat center she's working at right now, Holden Village, in Chelan, WA.  At first I was like, cool, but not for me -- but I read the website's description and the whole thing sounded wonderful.  It would be in February and March of 2014.  I would have to quit my job -- or ask for a leave of absence?  I'll have to talk to my boss about that if I'm accepted -- and move across the country for six weeks, but what a wonderful six weeks it would be.  The scary part is just up and leaving and not being sure of employment afterwards -- but one step at a time, right?  If it's meant to be, things will fall into place.

Another song for my theoretical album...

This is the one that was going to be about not fitting someone's list of future wife/girlfriend material.  I changed it a little bit -- after writing and editing there is actually no mention of a "list" though I think that could make a comical song.  This is about the same situation though, one summer and one guy who spent a lot of time with me but it turns out had absolutely no interest... he was still pining over his last relationship that was a pretty serious one, and clearly had a type (his ex-girlfriend), and I did not fit that type.  It's ok, I'm over him.

I'm not your girl, You're not my man

You're not over your ex-girlfriend yet
That is something I'm beginning to get
Just admit you're in rebound mode
Even I can understand your code

I'm not your girl
You're not my man
She's not your girl
It's not the plan
Just walk away --
I think that's better, in a way

We spent many hours, many days
But for you I was just a passing phase
You really want that girl of old
She's really something or so I'm told

I'm not your girl
You're not my man
She's not your girl
It's not the plan
Just walk away --
I think that's better, in a way

Why do you spend so much time
Caught in this pantomime
You seem to think it's alright
But man, you're not that bright
Stop leading me along
Adding fuel to this song

I'm not your girl
You're not my man
She's not your girl
It's not the plan
Just walk away --
I think that's better, in a way
It really is better this way
I know you're gonna be ok.

It's like I'm shooting myself in the foot, but the bullet hits my heart.

When I want to talk to you every moment every day
But it seems you don't feel quite the same way
It's like I'm shooting myself in the foot, but the bullet hits my heart
Why do I feel this way, why did it all have to start?

My mind imagines you oblivious to this pain
Sitting nonchalant as I drive myself insane.
It's not practical or logical that I should feel this way,
That I should take this risk at all is an area of gray

Ooh, It's beginning to get to me
I sometimes like these chains
But I wish I was free

And yet I sit here thinking about this boy so far away
How I wish we could visit, for awhile even stay
I second guess conclusions about this lovely mess
But it seems I shouldn't have expected any less

Ooh, It's beginning to get to me
I sometimes like these chains
But I wish I was free

What I want are answers, but they may be hard to hear
So I sit here in silence, waiting out this year
Hoping and dreaming it will work itself all out
But that is something I'm beginning to doubt.

Ooh, It's beginning to get to me
I sometimes like these chains
But I wish I was free
And I wish you loved me.

...

This water will be my vodka, I'll drink my sorrows down.
-- this song will be the smoke to fill my lungs and ease my head

I wish that was a quote from somewhere to give it context.  I guess it does have context, though, since it came from my head while I was drinking water and feeling melancholy.  Just like everything else these days, I feel like it should be part of a song.  But I don't really feel like taking the time to make it a song, so it's just jotted down for a rainy day.  Of course, since I don't smoke and I rarely have a drink, the beautiful irony is that I'm sitting here drinking water and thinking about people who deal with stress and melancholy moods with alcohol and cigarettes, mentally stepping into their minds and filling their shoes.

Sometimes...

Oh dear, I really shouldn't read personality forums.  But, I did find a way I relate to a Britney Spears song so that's a plus?  I was reading this thread about ISFPs and dating and someone linked to the Britney Spears song "Sometimes" in order to explain how ISFPs can sometimes pull away even if they really like someone.  Which I relate to.  I'm scared, I think, of people really knowing me, even if that's also something I really want.  Oh, by the way, I'm probably an ISFP.  I've been caught between ISFP and ISFJ, but I really think I'm more of the former than the latter.

Zero Miles Per Hour

Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere, and I'm going nowhere very slowly, like I have no destination, and I'm not even moving.  Sometimes I feel like a failure.  When I quantify the data, I know that's not true, but it's really hard for me to accept fact over negative emotion.  I felt similarly last December and tried to cope with it by applying to teach English in China.  I thought it would be a good thing to do, but it was never the right choice for me.  I decided in July that I would not go.  It was a good decision.  A weight was lifted of my shoulders.  In the Spring I began filling out an Application to UT Arlington for a teaching certificate program.  I never finished it.  I started thinking about grad school again in the past few months and requested information on an MFA program, and now I'm not sure if I want that or not.  I feel like there's something more than what I'm living, but I'm not finding it.  I feel stuck, and it's almost like I like being stuck, like I don't want to create opportunities that would let me leave.  I'm the bird that left the nest, then returned to the nest and now wants to hide in the nest.  But at the same time I really want to be able to afford my own apartment and to have a job that I absolutely love and to have close friends nearby, but I'm going nowhere and I'm dragging my feet.  What is there for me here?  What is there for me elsewhere?  If I could live anywhere, where would that be?  Not California, it's too expensive.  Not Texas, it's too hot.  For awhile I envisioned Kansas as the perfect place, but that was when I was seriously considering an Art Therapy degree and Emporia State University was appealing.  I've never been to Kansas.  I don't know what to think of it.

What I really want is to love and be loved and be surrounded by people who love me.  I think I'm a little jealous sometimes of all my friends who have found husbands and are now building families.  That's built in love wherever you go.  If I had someone by my side, I would be happy going anywhere.  As more and more of my friends say "I do" I seriously begin to wonder if I ever will.  How does it even happen that two people find each other and discover that they feel the same for one another?  The concept is a mystery to me.  In middle school I felt like the odd girl out because my best friend would always be asked by several guys to every school event and I, ever faithfully by her side, would not be asked at all.  In high school I went to a few events with dates, but most of them were Sadie Hawkins -- I did the asking.  Now, after escaping college with only one GYRAD "get your roommate a date" to my name and only the occasional fast food rendezvous (where I mostly paid for both of us because he was broke) with a guy who really liked me but who I wasn't really interested in, I don't know where to look.

So here I am, 23, single, feeling like a girl lost at sea.  Going zero miles per hour.  Come save me.

"The Chapter of You"

I toyed with the idea of writing songs for a personal music album today.  I shared a song with my friend Vicki yesterday that I wrote in high school and she liked it.  It seems like it would be fun to write songs according to the same theme.  Of course, it will be a little bit stereotypical for a female wannabe vocal artist -- at least if I go with my current thoughts.  Album title: "The Chapter of You."  Included: songs inspired by ways that guys in my life have proven specifically frustrating to me.  The idea I guess is for it to all be directed to one person, but I think it would be more interesting to write songs based on all my life experience with my lack of dating.  I find it interesting when I divulge to someone older that I have never dated anyone or been willingly kissed.  They seem to find that a.) fascinating b.) surprising (but you're such a nice girl! surely...) c.) I don't even know.  I'm not a mind reader.  Just because I've never dated doesn't mean I don't have a plethora of stories and thoughts that could make for interesting song lyric tinder.  At 23 I'm kind of fed up with guys sometimes, but I still love them I guess.

Of course I will write a song called "The Chapter of You" you know, the title song.  I toyed with ideas on the way home from a wedding reception in Arlington today.  Actually, it was also partially that wedding reception that acted as a catalyst for this thought pattern.  With friends getting married right and left it's really hard to be ok with my life as it is.  It feels like it's constantly being disrupted by other people finding their "one" ... and I'm just like... awesome for you!  (let me go hide in a corner and cry.) Another song on the album will be "Find Me - I've Run Away" (that's a working title, I tend to just call it "Find Me" which may be the full title in the end.)  I also want to include one along the lines of "Face to Face" and the difference it makes to actually see someone face to face as opposed to only communicating through barriers - like time, space, technology.  Also, something like "Woah, Slow Down, Sir" and "Not On Your List."  In order about a guy liking me too much too quickly and me "not fitting" someone's list of what he's looking for in a girlfriend.  Oh.  and just for funsies, "Stuck in the Friendzone."  I feel like guys complain about that a lot, but what about girls?  Girls can feel stuck in the friendzone as well, like the guys in their lives only see them as pals and nothing more.  That's what, if I actually write them all?  Six songs.  Totally enough for a short album.