Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere, and I'm going nowhere very slowly, like I have no destination, and I'm not even moving. Sometimes I feel like a failure. When I quantify the data, I know that's not true, but it's really hard for me to accept fact over negative emotion. I felt similarly last December and tried to cope with it by applying to teach English in China. I thought it would be a good thing to do, but it was never the right choice for me. I decided in July that I would not go. It was a good decision. A weight was lifted of my shoulders. In the Spring I began filling out an Application to UT Arlington for a teaching certificate program. I never finished it. I started thinking about grad school again in the past few months and requested information on an MFA program, and now I'm not sure if I want that or not. I feel like there's something more than what I'm living, but I'm not finding it. I feel stuck, and it's almost like I like being stuck, like I don't want to create opportunities that would let me leave. I'm the bird that left the nest, then returned to the nest and now wants to hide in the nest. But at the same time I really want to be able to afford my own apartment and to have a job that I absolutely love and to have close friends nearby, but I'm going nowhere and I'm dragging my feet. What is there for me here? What is there for me elsewhere? If I could live anywhere, where would that be? Not California, it's too expensive. Not Texas, it's too hot. For awhile I envisioned Kansas as the perfect place, but that was when I was seriously considering an Art Therapy degree and Emporia State University was appealing. I've never been to Kansas. I don't know what to think of it.
What I really want is to love and be loved and be surrounded by people who love me. I think I'm a little jealous sometimes of all my friends who have found husbands and are now building families. That's built in love wherever you go. If I had someone by my side, I would be happy going anywhere. As more and more of my friends say "I do" I seriously begin to wonder if I ever will. How does it even happen that two people find each other and discover that they feel the same for one another? The concept is a mystery to me. In middle school I felt like the odd girl out because my best friend would always be asked by several guys to every school event and I, ever faithfully by her side, would not be asked at all. In high school I went to a few events with dates, but most of them were Sadie Hawkins -- I did the asking. Now, after escaping college with only one GYRAD "get your roommate a date" to my name and only the occasional fast food rendezvous (where I mostly paid for both of us because he was broke) with a guy who really liked me but who I wasn't really interested in, I don't know where to look.
So here I am, 23, single, feeling like a girl lost at sea. Going zero miles per hour. Come save me.
1 comment:
I was always the odd girl out too, still am. I get tired of waiting for guys to ask me because they never do. Until I enrolled in art school here, I always felt like I was going nowhere, but having fun doing it at least. We will see what the next few years holds. I'm not interested in saying "I do" but I still would like someone.
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