distance.

On Friday I was at work, cashiering, and there was a bit of a lull, not too busy, but there was one girl, probably in late middle or early high school, waiting to check out, but rather distracted by a phone call.  I called out, "next in line!"... and she didn't notice, so I just waited a little while until there was someone waiting behind her and called again and smiled and waved her down.  She came happily and put her skeins of yarn she was buying on the counter and I checked her out and gave her a total, and she was still on the phone but trying to finish the call.  When she finally hung up she sighed heavily -- a heartsick kind of sigh -- and I just smiled at her and gave her the change I owed her and then she kind of spilled about how her friend had just moved away and how hard it was and I told her that I understood, because I moved a lot and it's not fun to leave or be left -- though I said that it was somewhat better for the person leaving because they lost something but also gained the possibility of new adventures.  The person left only loses something, nothing is really gained.  I also mentioned how much better it is now when someone leaves than, say, 50 years ago because it's so easy to contact each other with phones and on the internet... and she was like, "yeah, and I guess there's summer."  She was a sweet girl, we talked for a couple seconds and she thanked me for listening, then went on her way.

This exchange made me happy in an odd way, I guess because I got where she was coming from -- it's not cool to be left behind, or to have someone you care about far away.  I've always had to figure out how to keep friendships alive from a distance because I have lived a life of constant flux surrounded by others who were also very transient.  It's not easy.  In many of my long distance friendships I feel like I have failed, because I'm not good at keeping in contact with people I don't regularly see.  It takes a conscious effort.  I'm debating the accuracy of my comment to the girl about how it's easier to leave than be left.  I think that may be true in some cases, but it's not universal.  When you move from one place to another, and you were established in that place there is comfort in the familiarity of friendships, school, house, neighborhood, church... all these things go away when you move someplace else.  Friendships start again from ground zero, you have to get used to a new school, new teachers, new classmates, a new house, neighborhood, church -- sometimes there are new cultural norms to adjust to -- moving someplace new requires a time of adjustment.  Being left, you remain adjusted except that one person who once was there now is not, so anything in your life that that person was a part of changes, but the rest remains the same.

I think about distance a lot because of my life experiences, and also because all of my closest friends right now are far away.  My favorite person, the man I am dating, is far away.  It's difficult, but I think it's worth it.  I think he is worth it.  I'm not dating just to date -- in fact, before now I've never actually been in a relationship.  I guess this guy must be pretty important to me.  Not only did I say yes to dating, but I said yes to long distance dating.  (Honestly, how would I know the difference?  I've never tried dating any other way.)  Do I feel heartsick?  yes, today.  not every day.  Do I miss him?  always.  Is it worth it?  definitely.

...

This long distance thing is an emotional roller coaster.  All I want is to put my arms around you, hold on and never let go.  Instead I find myself in a chair on my porch watching the sun go down and staring into the sky, trying to imagine what you could be doing under that same sky as tears fill my eyes.  Why did my heart have to choose someone so far away?  Didn't it know that loving from a distance is harder than loving near?  My idealism says that love conquers all things, even time, even distance, but do you love me?  I know that you don't worry about things that you cannot immediately change, and that you don't worry about our relationship, but I can't help but feel like this relationship is in limbo, like we're waiting for it to really start but we don't know when or how.  And I know I'm being emotional right now and that when I'm emotional I tend to blow things out of proportion, but I think I need to know that I'm important to you and that you love me.