when I grow up

You know, I'm not sure we ever stop growing up.  And I'm not sure we ever reach a point where we feel like we have "made it."  At least I haven't.  I know I'm young yet, but I'm not sure I ever will.  When I was in elementary school I thought that when I grew up I would go to school for art, then start my own teddy bear factory and live on the Yakima River in Washington and own horses.  I also planned to return to the Philippines and teach art at my alma mater.  Back then I didn't know what an alma mater was.  I have come so far.  Right now I can say that I have followed the first step of my childhood dreaming - I have a college degree in art.  I don't know if I want to start a teddy bear factory anymore.  People I tell that dream to are like, "oh, like build-a-bear?"  so I guess it's been done.  But not like build a bear.  Like the book on teddy bear factories I read in elementary school with the big machines that cut out all the bear pieces in multi-quantities and I would design and oversee them all.  I had an "International Collection" all planned with ethnic garb, and everything.  I named the future company "Sweet Dreams Teddy Bear Factory."  Of course this was all because I had an assignment to write about my future dreams and had to come up with something, and I liked art and teddy bears and had recently read the book about teddy bear factories.  (Also, my aunt whom I absolutely loved owned horses and my grandparents lived on the Yakima River.)

Now that I'm out of college I'm like, "what was that for?"... I studied something I loved because I wanted to do it, forever.  But real life struck and said, "but you have student loans!  and even if you didn't, it's really tough to support yourself with an artist's salary!"... I was going to be smart at first and study graphic design, because you can actually make money with that.  But I'm a rolling in the mud traditional media girl.  I like my art to be in your face and on my face, to come out of the studio surrounded by a halo of charcoal dust, grinning, looking like I just emerged from the coal mines.  I know I could make my work more digital, but that still wouldn't solve the problem that I like doing art because it's art, not because someone needs a cool looking sign for their company or some logo and letterheads designed.  I'm not actually that interested in that stuff.  I could do it, but it doesn't bring me the same joy that I have seen it bring others who were actually made to be designers.  No, I'm a studio artist.

I got a day job out of college.  I had to pay off those loans and live somehow!  (the real secret was moving home.  My parents have been lifesavers when it comes to me, well, not dying.)  I don't know what my plan was.  I didn't have one.  The job was to buy time until I found something that I loved more or some reason to move away again.  Neither has happened yet.  And the day job has actually grown on me.  Well, I never disliked it, anyway, I just found it exhausting.  And now that my day job has turned into a full-time day job it's exhausting full time!  (The good part is that my loans are being fed and destroyed, the bad part is that I have less time and less energy in that time to figure out what I really want to do when I grow up.)

My problem is that I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  And I'm not very good at putting myself out there.  Part of it is that I'm not really aware, I think, of what skills I have and what those would qualify me for.  I keep going back to this notion about starting my own business, but I know that's a lot of work.  When I was in elementary school -- yes, I'm going back again to my primary days -- the way I figured it, when I was older if I couldn't find a job I would make a job.  I would open my own store where I would sell handmade things like cards and handbags and other gift shop type things.  I still have this urge sometimes.  My ideas for handmade things have become more elaborate, though.  I want to make my own handmade books and journals -- maybe even write, illustrate, and bind my own storybooks.  I want to make my own ceramics -- functional tea sets and other unique functional and decorative ware.  I could also sell hats, scarves, afghans -- anything crocheted.  I like making a lot of things, and I would love a job where I could be paid to make stuff.  The problem is that I'm slow to get the ball rolling, and again, I'm bad at marketing myself.

Maybe when I grow up I'll own my own tea and gifts shop, or maybe I'll do something even more spectacular than that, something I have yet to imagine.  A girl has got to dream if she ever hopes to reach the stars.