to be?

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Well, I think I would rather be than not be.  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Well, when I grow up, I want to be.  I'm not sure what job would give me the most satisfaction, but I kind of want that job.  I think I would like working in camp administration or something.  I remember when I worked at Mt. Hermon thinking how I would have enjoyed being one of the registration people.  I feel like office work is low key and energizes me for my time off work rather than wearing me out.  I want to live a simple life and I want to enjoy my life.  I don't think I'm suited for big city living.  Whenever I'm stressed out I want to crawl into a metaphorical (or real would work, too) cave and curl up in a ball and pretend that nothing exists.  I also joke about getting a cabin in the woods and living as a hermit.  It's only partially a joke.  I feel like I am a mixture of contradictory notions.  I am creative and can feel wildly imaginative, but I am very down to earth and practical.  I come across as extroverted sometimes because I enjoy people and use up my energy on them, but they use up my energy.  I need solitude to recharge.  I delight in the idea of grand adventures, but I am most often found (when not at work) sitting alone in my room.  I wish I had no debt and could figure out a way to live off the land or to live on very little.  I feel like once my student loans are paid off I will feel more freedom to find a more interesting way to live my life.  I don't think I will stay in Dallas.  But I don't know where I will go, or why I will leave Dallas, except that I have no particular affinity for it.  I am simultaneously spread out and grounded.  I don't know what I will do.  I don't oppose new things, but trying new things is also scary for me.  But it's ok.  Loans, I haven't conquered you yet.  You anchor me here to a job and a cheap place to live.  And I guess I have to be ok with that for now.