...

my heart hurts.

...

So, maybe I just need to put myself out there and be willing to get hurt because just hoping and not moving is no way to live. But of course I'll do it in my own subtle way which may or may not work. At some point I may need to be direct, but not ready for that conversation yet. Songwriting time, perhaps?

Mandatory Face Making

New glasses = time to make faces and take pictures.  It's really a fantastic tradition.

Waiting on You? Or trying...

God, help me to wait on you -- 

I know you will carry me through,

Though waiting is sometimes so hard to do.

It was so good to talk to one of my best friends tonight and just clear my head a little, even if all we talked about was life, you know, catching up a little.  I wanted to talk to him about this person who has infiltrated my heart, but it wasn't a lengthy conversation and I wasn't sure what to say.

What do you do when you like someone but you're not ready to risk it and come right out and say it?  If you want them to maybe come to the same place of "I like you" that you're at, but you don't know if they're there or on the same path to there... and you so desperately want to have a conversation about it, but at the same time, you don't want to assume that they do actually feel the same way you do?  I keep bringing it to God and telling him my heart and that I don't want my heart caught up on someone who won't work out and to take away my feelings if they're silly... then I shift my focus to other things and keep busy for awhile, but the person pops right back into my head again.  It can be enough to drive me mad, and sometimes I like having someone on my mind, but then I remember that for all I know, it's one-sided affection, and that's something I'm not interested in entertaining.

Also, I'm a bit fuzzy on whether it's actually a good idea for me to put myself out there and tell someone who I like that I like them... maybe just because it's a risk and I'm not keen on risk taking.

be THOU my vision.

It's time to curl in a ball and cry or sleep or both.
It's mostly just that I'm tired, it's been a long day, but also a lot on my mind.
It's the perpetual, "But God, I like him, I don't understand why I have to wait longer... unless you have someone else in mind?"  And I try to be patient, so painstakingly patient, and I know that my focus needs to shift and I shift it, but then shift it back.  I'm not good at the waiting thing, but I know that God's timing is perfect, and mine is not.  And if everything went the way I planned it, my life would not be nearly as glorious as it is or as it seems like it is becoming.

I mean, in Bible study we discussed priorities in life, and relationship with God being a huge priority and other things that are priorities in life.  I know I don't always have mine straight.  But it was a valuable thing to be reminded of and to discuss, and being reminded that our priorities should line up with the way we use our time and resources.

Then we kicked the guys out at about 10 pm and had a "girl's night" which consisted of watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."  I think I've seen it before, but it was a long time ago and I probably wasn't truly watching it last time or something, because I didn't remember most of it.  It's wonderful and horrible at the same time.  But even in this movie where the girl tries so hard to lose a guy who is trying so hard to make her fall in love with him, in the end they realize that they do truly like each other and the assumption is that they live happily ever after.

My thought?  Oh great.  Because every time I watch a romance movie of any kind, you know, where it all works out in the end, I think about how that's what I want: for it all to work out in the end.  So, my tiredness was fueled by emotion, and I was left to drive home in the quiet of the night and think.  And what I wanted to do was cry, out of exhaustion and emotion, so instead I sung "Be Thou My Vision" loudly, thinking about how God ought to be my vision and not this person I like.  And I know that if it's God's plan, even though I don't see him much and life, at least the romance part, seems to be moving at a snail's pace, it will be.  And if it's not, then something else will be.

This sucks, because since I was little I dreamed of growing up and getting married and having kids -- except for the one time when I was like 7 and I heard that giving birth was the most painful experience... pretty much ever... and I was like, "God, I don't want to have kids."  But then after that, I panicked, because I believed (and still do) that God answers the prayers of his children, so I made sure to go back on that prayer and let him know that I may have made that decision hastily.  Something along the lines of, "God, I know I prayed not to have kids, but that's a prayer that I'm not sure I want you to answer..."  And it's not just about having kids someday, but having a family.  And more specifically about having a life partner to live and figure out life with.  Living and learning and loving together, life and God and people.