Instead I'm an Ocean.

If tears could be piled
rather than puddled
I'd be a pile of them
but instead I'm an ocean.
This reflex I can't hold back
First my eyes
Then my face
and before I know it
tears are streaming down
and filling the whole world with sorrow
You ask what's wrong
And if I say "it's nothing"
It's because the list is so long
that I don't dare begin to burden you with it all
But if you ask and I tell you
It would be a combination of the following:
It's tiredness
Mixed with nostalgia
A little bit of, is where I am and where I'm heading
Where I'm supposed to be and going
Mixed with fear
That my roots are shallow
Or maybe too deep
Fear that I somehow missed
How life was supposed to be lived
In a big way
Fear that I don't add up to others expectations of me
Fear that I don't add up to my own
Fear that I don't add up to what God has for me.
The realization that the order of those fears is backwards
Sadness that I don't have a shoulder to cry on right now
Or arms to hold me close
Fear that I never will - not in the way I'd like to.
But mainly it's stress and tiredness
Which leads me to a stream of irrational ideas
And takes me to the place of messy emotions
Which are hard to sort through
And harder to make rational sense of.