Boys masquerading as men.

I was going to title this post, "Why are Men idiots?!" but then I realized that the ones I'm speaking of don't deserve to be called men, but boys, and some men are not idiots. Also, some boys are not idiots, just young and naive. I remember when I was in eighth grade and attending Bethel church in Richland, WA, that among some tracts that the church had as available resources there was this book (meant to be a joke) that was called, "Everything that man has learned about woman"... I'm pretty sure it was pretty small, short, and blank. I've never understood why guys have such a hard time grasping how women think and what they should or should not do in order to be respected and liked by women. First off, we're all people. Women are not some separate race and we're not from different planets as the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests. To be fair, it has taken me a long time and I'm only just beginning to understand how men think. I'm only just beginning to realize just how visual they are vs. how un-visual I am - despite being an artist. I care a lot about aesthetics, but it's different. About a month ago I told a boy I liked (yes, definitely a boy masquerading as a man) that I liked him, because I wanted to force the ball into his court, because I was so tired of dribbling it and not getting any sort of response - well, I thought I did for awhile, in fact part of why I developed a crush on him is because it seemed like he might like me back. He didn't even let the ball stay in his court. To go with the analogy, he either hit it like a hot potato way past my court so I wouldn't ever hit it back into his court again, or he took a dagger and stabbed it so it lost all its air -- yes, we're going from tennis references to... some kind of a handball or basketball type thing. It was fine. Yes, it sucked, but finding out he wasn't interested, I was able to move on surprisingly quickly. I think it's because my eyes were suddenly opened to all his flaws that I had previously been aware of but let slide - because after all, no one is perfect. There are two things that annoy me about the scenario. First off, he said he could "NEVER see himself being romantically interested in me." (Way to know the future, man, I realize you're working hard to not string me along, but really did not need to be that harsh, and honestly when people say "NEVER" it does feel like they're trying to play God, just a little bit.) Secondly, I haven't known him for very long. This really is a secondary annoyance, because it's related to the first. If you don't even know me that well and haven't taken the chance to get to know me how can you be SURE that you'd NEVER be romantically interested?! Again, I've already moved on, and if he's wrong and changes his mind, I will not be here for him to come crying to, mainly because how he responded intensely annoyed me, and I have since then become aware of all the reasons why I'm really happy I'm not dating him. I would rather be single for a very long time than be his girlfriend, because he's also not a very considerate person and his life priorities are in really weird orders. Basically, he's a boy masquerading as a man. He needs to grow up a bit before he'll be good boyfriend/future husband material, and not for me, for someone else.

So, as a reaction to my frustration with boys masquerading as men, I decided to sign up for online dating. I know. Best move to find men who are not boys. (not.) But I do think there are some good guys out there. I keep thinking I've found one or two of them, but the online dating scene really is not satisfying. I've been talking with this guy for about a month now, and he seems scared to meet in person or talk on the phone or Skype. He doesn't live the closest, but not really too far away either. He seems like a great guy! But I don't do well just typing all the time, especially because I always write way more than he does -- talk about someone not being reciprocal! And it's so frustrating not seeing body language or hearing voice intonation. That's so important for proper communication!

Someone else I was talking to, the reaction was opposite. He asked me out after messaging for like two days, then I was the one who panicked and canceled on him at the last second. I felt really bad about that... and have since apologized. It was too fast for me, not because he was moving too fast, but because it had only been a few days since I had been rejected, which is what prompted the online dating in the first place.

There are a couple other guys I have talked to that have been positive conversations, but again, it's been a couple weeks at least for both, and I'm not really satisfied long term with just sending message after message. That can be the start of getting to know someone, but then you have to actually meet, and talk in person, and hang out and stuff.

There was also a guy who I was talking to - I decided he looked a little young for me, though he wasn't too young, and since he messaged me, I replied. Then after a few days of talking he admitted that he didn't have an account (this was on eharmony) and gave me ways to find him in the real internet world. So I did and the next thing I heard from him was, "sorry, I'm not interested." That was probably the worst, because what he didn't see on the eharmony profile was my pictures. He finally got to see pictures and he said, "no." I know I'm not the thinnest crayon in the crayon box... I'm like a crayon for four year olds, not the super skinny big kid ones, but I'm not ugly, and in my opinion curves are freaking attractive, and I am well blessed with them. It makes me want to throw up my hands in despair.

I know I shouldn't let conversations with people I've never met affect me so much, but I don't get much better from the people I do know. I guess I know a lot of idiots, or boys masquerading as men. I am so done. But in reality, I know I'm not. I love guys. No matter how much they infuriate me, I love them. So I sit here typing, with tears streaming down my face because I haven't found one yet who treats me well and from the deepest parts of my heart, I am pleading with God to change that.