I have been learning a lot about grief in the last month and a half. I can't remember a time I was affected this deeply besides perhaps when my grandmother died in 2012. There are several stages of grief, but it's not linear, it's cyclical. I often think of it as the waves of the ocean coming in and retreating, and when they retreat extra far, the waves are extra strong.
According to grief.com (yes, there is in fact a website by that name) "The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief."
I can recognize in my own journey what I could classify as denial, anger, depression, and possibly a bit of acceptance. I don't know what it would mean to "bargain" with my situation, that doesn't make sense. For the first few weeks I came up with all the reasons I was glad that my relationship had ended. I told myself I was better off. In a sense I was in denial that it had been a good thing to begin with or denial that the process had hurt me at all. Then after about three weeks to a month came the anger, and it has come in waves as I process various parts of my relationship. I finally feel like I've given myself permission to be angry. I would say that whenever I am overcome with grief and tears flood my eyes and travel down my face and I am totally overcome I am dealing with some depression, however I work really hard to shift my focus and try not to let those periods of intense sadness last too long, because the truth is, life continues and there is hope. I have to trust that God is in control and has my best interests in mind. On my best days I believe that wholeheartedly. On my worst days I pray that God would give me that perspective again. There are days when I don't focus on this past hurt at all, and on those days I think there is some acceptance, but I know that the cycle is not over and I don't know how long it will last. It's been important for me to admit how deeply I was hurt, but admitting that even just to myself has been a process in itself. I hate admitting my weaknesses, especially anger and vulnerability. The truth is, I am a deeply emotional person who is easily hurt but doesn't always realize what's wrong, so constant self analysis is necessary.
Well, where are the promised new beginnings?
In the last month and a half I have also gone through change that I had a say in, which is empowering when the other change was not my decision. I moved out of my parent's house again into a small place with friends and that has been an absolute God thing. His timing for this was perfect. He has been so good at providing exactly what we have needed for this place when we have needed it. His fingerprints are all over this. I'm beginning to believe his fingerprints were all over my heartbreak, too, but not because he desired that I have a broken heart, rather because he wanted to protect me from greater heartbreak later and knew that it would be more than my heart could handle. I thank Jesus for holding me each day in the depth of my pain and sorrow and in the overwhelming joy of being in His presence and seeing His hand move in such positive ways. God is good.
El Senor es mi pastor, nada me faltara.
En lugares de verdes pastos, me hace descansar
Junto a aguas de reposo, me conduce.
El restaura mi alma.
Me guia por senderos de justicia por amor de su Nombre.
Aunque, pase por el valle de sombra de muerte,
No temere mal alguno, porque tu estas conmigo.
Tu vara y tu cayado me infunden aliento.
Tu preparas mesa delante de me en presencia de mis enemigos.
Has ungido mi cabesa con aceite, mi copa esta rebosando.
Ciertamente el bien y la misericordia me seguiran todos los dias de mi vida
y en la casa del Senor morare por largos dias.
Salmo 23
No comments:
Post a Comment