By man came death... by man came also the resurrection of the dead

I just returned from singing Messiah at Carnegie Hall and have had Messiah songs playing in my head for months, reminding me of truths in Scripture - of Christ's birth, life, death, and resurrection. Last Friday afternoon while I was in New York City preparing to sing, I received word that my around-the-corner neighbor and friend who I have come to know and deeply care about over the past couple years had died and gone on to be with Jesus. It has taken until today, as I return to Duncanville and to work, to begin processing and grieving the death of Bill Jackson. When I first started working at First Presbyterian Church in 2016, Bill and his wife Vangie were so excited to have me, a Biola graduate, working at their church. Vangie told me about how Bill became a Christian when he was a teenager - he went to a Christian camp and was led to the Lord by Biola students. He thought all of Los Angeles must be Christian if the Bible Institute of Los Angeles was turning out such on-fire for Jesus students. Since knowing them, Vangie has told me that story on numerous occasions always full of such joy and exuberance. I also have been regaled with stories of how they met, and stories of their family and life as overseas missionaries. They both have so many stories to tell. When I first started here, Bill & Vangie were still living in their own house, bringing themselves to church, but in the past couple years, health and mobility declined, and they moved in with their daughter and son-in-law around the corner from my house. The Jacksons and I began to affectionately refer to each other as "neighbor" and I often gave them rides home from church, or Vangie rides to choir practice. In August I gave them a ride to the Naturally Supernatural Conference on the power of the Holy Spirit in Arlington. In the past few years, Bill & Vangie have become very dear to me, and hearing of Bill's death weighs heavily on my heart. As Messiah songs play in my head, I am comforted to be reminded that "by man came death" but "by man came also the resurrection of the dead." We all die, but through Christ we may all live again.

Something new

I'm trying something new because I've been extra emotional lately and have realized my life is pretty out of balance. Mainly I think it's because I'm not taking needed time to process life, so I end up processing out loud with other people which doesn't work well for me, or not processing at all which also doesn't work. The new thing I started yesterday that already really helped was writing about my day in a notebook and processing it alone and with God. That eliminates the need to emotionally vomit on my friends which is what I feel like I've been doing lately, which makes me uncomfortable mainly because I see that it's more than I really should be sharing. I am also hoping this will help me take more time alone which I need to be a stable person. I'm not good at caring for myself, and this is a way I hope to grow in that area.

feeling emotional

I continue to do a lot of self analysis and wrestle with things I don't like about my personality and reasons why, and I have discovered so much. It is humbling as I come to grips with my humanity, come to accept my imperfections, and realize that despite these, the Creator of the Universe loves me. Following Myers-Briggs I test as an ISFJ, and although I know it is pretty accurate in describing me, I have a hard time accepting things about who I am that I test this way. I have a deep need to love and be loved, moreso than being unique, independent, successful, or intellectual. However, I feel like those other things should be what I strive for. I feel like as an "S" I am inadequate because I need to have all the facts rather than just somehow "knowing" things. It makes me feel somehow stupid or incompetent, though I know I am not. I am mostly OK with being an "F" and am coming to terms with being a fairly strong one, but I so value the level headed logic that my "T" friends use to make decisions. Sometimes I feel like an emotional mess and need to learn that feeling is OK, even if it's sometimes messy. I am a "J", but I wish I was a "P" sometimes and could be more spontaneous. I am learning that I don't really want to change who I am, I just want to know that I am loved the way that I am and even if I know in my head that it's true, my heart sometimes doubts it.

Lord, you made me as me for a reason. Show me my value and what you have for me. Help me to find purpose. Help me to care most how you see me and worry less about the judgments of others.

An aesthetic of imperfection

Sometimes I wish I liked perfect art - art about idyllic places and art devoid of emotion, but just precise and beautiful. But I don't. I don't like canvasses that are made and mass produced because they are pretty, decoration. To me, art has always been an outpouring of an emotional soul. I connect with pieces that are individual, unique, and usually imperfect. Those pieces have character and speak of the difficulties and joys of life, life which is imperfect. I like volumes, and thick and rich oil paints slathered across canvasses - not always pretty, but that have meaning beyond the shallow beauty. I have a difficult time owning my aesthetic, because it's not popular, especially among those who aren't artists and don't connect with art on a deep level, who are just looking for decoration or see art as a reprieve from real life rather than its representation.

Imperfection is honest and raw and says, "here I am, a broken human." It leads me to reflect on the perfection that is only found in Christ who promised to heal up our broken places and put us together again.