concerning a dialogue

it has been absolutely amazing (words can't describe, thus that one must for now do) being at Biola and taking part in the art program. my whole life, i have taken what i was told and done it. i stayed within the lines like a good child wanting to impress someone with her coloring skills. it scared me to death to do anything that would displease anyone, especially those above me. and though that isn't inherently bad, it turned me into a machine, following orders and doing things because i should or because they were right. i despised conflict and was unwilling to express my views or even take the time to collect my thoughts and decide what my views were, lest i offend someone or get into an argument. i was very much like a doormat, in every sense that a doormat entails. ...but i don't like it when people are doormats, always consenting, not having a backbone, not having a voice, but relentlessly relenting to another person's whims, and agreeing with another person's views, because that's safe... so why should i be a doormat, and a voice silenced by fear of what others think of me? perhaps that is why i am delighting so much in biola, because here i cannot be without a voice. as an artist, my art is worth nothing unless it has something to say. anyone can sit and stare at a chair for hours and draw it, but that doesn't mean it has a message. where is the meaning in the drawing of the chair if there is no point but that it is a chair? is the drawing just a motion, an exercise? or is it an extension of one's soul? in some sense, from all art can be derived meaning, especially when the art is the result of an outpouring of emotion, which to me has always been what art was... and is why i can call music and poetry also art, because to be true to themselves, they must be driven by an emotional experience. it both excites and scares me to be entering this program. being an art major forces me to think deeply about things, and to discuss them in my art. i look forward to the transformation from someone so accepting of what is thrown at me to someone who really cares enough to constantly ponder and really take a look at the issues of life and Christianity. I love God, but what does it mean to love him? what does it mean to really serve him? i guess it's also a journey into being more constantly genuine, true to my faith, and true to who I was made to be. It's a difficult journey, filled with unknowns and a lack of pat answers, but it's also a journey that will hold significance and at least some semblance of fulfillment. it will help me to begin to understand myself, my world, my God, and my belief system in a far deeper way. if i tell you that i chose art over elementary education or some other major because it was "harder," I don't intend to demean the other path of study. instead, it simply says that doing art pushes me outside of the box and has no right answers (a hard concept for me), whereas most other fields of study that have intrigued me (like elementary education) do have right answers, and wouldn't push me outside the box quite as much.
bueno, this one-sided conversation was prompted by a highly fascinating lecture i just attended... from a photographer/social worker/whatever guy, though the thoughts written have been mulling in my head for probably a week or so now, since my first "1st year seminar: art" class.... and thought it was about time to write them out.