14 days.

In 14 days I will be 23.  Which is probably good, because at the beginning of each year I always start to think of myself as already also being another year older... alas, new year comes and I still have to wait two and a half months.  Well, now it's two weeks.  And I have no plans.  My family will all be out of town.  I don't know if I have work or not, but thinking of having my birthday alone is sad.  There are times that I really regret moving away from California, from a place I had come to know and enjoy.  I am optimistic about being here, in fact I think I mostly like it here, but I don't have the several years of friendship building to rely on here... I have had 7 months, all of which have been spent working.  non-stop.  it seems.  no social life.  There are days that I think I should just quit, that somehow not having a job would fix everything!  Yet, it's actually having a job that has kept me from going completely crazy.  I still haven't figured out this whole "no school" thing.  I have to replace that with something... and I can't just bum around my parents house forever, no matter how much they say and think that they would like me to stay.  There are famous people who were dead by 23, and they were famous!  I feel like my life has barely begun.  I recently acquired a book of letters Van Gogh wrote to his brother Theo, entitled: "Dear Theo" and was intrigued to realize that he was, at the beginning of the letters recorded there, 23, or about to turn 23.  At that point in his life, he seemed very optimistic about his future, but he also seemed to be testing out life and seeing where it might take him.  He was working in a parsonage teaching and preaching, and was underpaid because the parsonage could not really afford to pay him much, but room and board.  He mentioned this lack of pay and how he was looking into situations elsewhere -- man, so much like my life it seems.

I like the idea of 23, because it's older than 22 and another year removed from 21.  Although I don't get it much now, I am still sometimes told I look like I'm in high school.  For some reason I take devilish delight in saying, well, actually, I have a college degree, and I'm 22... (I'll be thrilled to say 23.)  Then I watch as they stand dumbfounded, slightly embarrassed, finally getting out a, "well, you'll be thankful when you're older."  And I just turn away and think about how people underestimate those who appear younger, something which I do not appreciate... and sometimes treat younger looking people like children -- which I also do not like.  I don't know why I like the idea of being older, but I'd much rather age than be the same forever, and though I like the idea of being a child again with far less responsibility than I have now, I do not wish to re-learn all the difficult lessons of growing up.