Sunday, April 28, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
running away
I can't help but wonder if the constant desire to relocate at least now in life, as a college graduate trying to figure out how to be an adult, is really me wanting to run away from being an adult. I think about Never never land and the desire to never grow up, to never take on the responsibilities of adulthood. It also goes back to the knight in shining armor riding up on a white horse and riding off with me into the sunset -- "and they lived happily ever after" implies a blissful, responsibility-free existence. I want to be independent, but I don't care for the added responsibility. I want to plant roots, but when I get to a certain point in my friendships I'm scared for them to get deeper. I want to be known, but I am also terrified to let people really know me. I want to make a difference in the world, but I'm scared to take the first steps in those directions. For lack of knowing that something will work out perfectly, I paralyze myself and say, "this is good enough!" But it clearly is not good enough, because there I feel a constant restlessness. A restlessness to keep moving forward, not back. A restlessness to not stay tied down to what is ok, but to surge forward and seek what is exceptional. Seeking the exceptional is not running away from growing up, but rather running towards it. The problem is that though I have the desire to seek the exceptional, I find myself shrinking back and running away from that desire.
A breakdown. I guess life goals might clarify some of this internal pull. In my life I would like to teach at some point, and I would like to receive proper training for teaching. I would like to spend some time in foreign countries. I would like to help people and work in a not-for-profit setting. I would like to study psychology and art therapy. I would like to develop strong friendships with a few wonderful people and have a wide net of acquaintances. I would like to meet a godly man who would become one of these inner circle good friends and would like to eventually date him and marry him, to let him be a support system for me in all my endeavors, and me for him in all of his.
Right now I am hired to teach creative classes at a craft store, though I haven't had any students yet -- and I don't feel properly trained for this position. I have applied to teach English overseas and may be accepted to move and work in Mongolia for 11 months doing this, though there is a several thousand dollar sum I have to trust that God will provide for me to fund this endeavor. I am currently working as a cashier doing retail, in a very much for-profit setting, which does not feel as fulfilling as it seems an altruistic career would. I am not aware of schools in my area that offer the psychology classes I need at reasonable prices. Most (if not all) art therapy schools require 12-18 units of psychology courses for me to be accepted. I have 3 units that counted towards my BFA. Those were from my AP test score. I feel like I have in the past had small circles of great friends, but every time I move these friendships go from great to good, and after that they end up just being acquaintances until we completely lose touch. I don't know anyone here well enough to have an inner circle of great friends. Hence, there are no boys in this inner circle.
I feel like everything I most want in life is currently out of reach... the things that I do have right now are not exact fits for me. I am not content. Should I be content with ok or is it ok for me to want awesome?
A breakdown. I guess life goals might clarify some of this internal pull. In my life I would like to teach at some point, and I would like to receive proper training for teaching. I would like to spend some time in foreign countries. I would like to help people and work in a not-for-profit setting. I would like to study psychology and art therapy. I would like to develop strong friendships with a few wonderful people and have a wide net of acquaintances. I would like to meet a godly man who would become one of these inner circle good friends and would like to eventually date him and marry him, to let him be a support system for me in all my endeavors, and me for him in all of his.
Right now I am hired to teach creative classes at a craft store, though I haven't had any students yet -- and I don't feel properly trained for this position. I have applied to teach English overseas and may be accepted to move and work in Mongolia for 11 months doing this, though there is a several thousand dollar sum I have to trust that God will provide for me to fund this endeavor. I am currently working as a cashier doing retail, in a very much for-profit setting, which does not feel as fulfilling as it seems an altruistic career would. I am not aware of schools in my area that offer the psychology classes I need at reasonable prices. Most (if not all) art therapy schools require 12-18 units of psychology courses for me to be accepted. I have 3 units that counted towards my BFA. Those were from my AP test score. I feel like I have in the past had small circles of great friends, but every time I move these friendships go from great to good, and after that they end up just being acquaintances until we completely lose touch. I don't know anyone here well enough to have an inner circle of great friends. Hence, there are no boys in this inner circle.
I feel like everything I most want in life is currently out of reach... the things that I do have right now are not exact fits for me. I am not content. Should I be content with ok or is it ok for me to want awesome?
while on caffeine...
This evening I hung out with people in an apartment watching 80s movies. Awesome. I probably drank four cups of coffee. Then I drove 25 miles home. I learned that driving on caffeine when my body is only tricked into thinking it's awake is a kind of scary thing. Also, my tank was low, and I didn't want to stop for gas. It requires much more focus than my typical to-and-from work autopilot. I don't know what it's like to be drunk, but I'm sure that driving on caffeine and tired has at least a minorly similar effect. It's just harder to concentrate on driving when I'm in a state where I can't fully focus... and if I am having trouble focusing it takes that much more energy to actually focus.
Age came up again tonight and I keep wondering why I always feel like I have to prove myself to be my age or older -- I didn't have to, and that wasn't really my focus, I just thought about it again. It's like age is somehow an achievement. Also, I'm not entirely sure what it means to be 23. How am I supposed to act to be my age? How am I supposed to look? Why do people who come into my workplace think I'm in high school when I look at high school kids and they seem just like that to me - kids. (Besides the fact that to even have my job I have to be at least 18.) Why do I love throwing the "when I was in college" thing out there? Oh wait, I do actually know that one -- Yes, ma'am, I may look 15 to you, but somehow I already graduated high school, and graduated college with... what was that? a four year degree? I'm either older than you think or I'm really dang smart... you choose. ;)
Age came up again tonight and I keep wondering why I always feel like I have to prove myself to be my age or older -- I didn't have to, and that wasn't really my focus, I just thought about it again. It's like age is somehow an achievement. Also, I'm not entirely sure what it means to be 23. How am I supposed to act to be my age? How am I supposed to look? Why do people who come into my workplace think I'm in high school when I look at high school kids and they seem just like that to me - kids. (Besides the fact that to even have my job I have to be at least 18.) Why do I love throwing the "when I was in college" thing out there? Oh wait, I do actually know that one -- Yes, ma'am, I may look 15 to you, but somehow I already graduated high school, and graduated college with... what was that? a four year degree? I'm either older than you think or I'm really dang smart... you choose. ;)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Not so far away
I've been sort of going on a crochet kick lately. I'm working on three afghans at once - one for a friend as a gift, the other two for fun. (shh! My friend doesn't know.) I'm excited to develop the hobby that has been dormant for a time, though part of my life for a good many years. Right now I'm sort of crocheting, but mostly listening to music and thinking. I'm in the sort of mood where I would love to go to a party... well, if the party came to me, you know. I want to dance crazily with friends and listen to pounding music and not think about anything else. But... I'm not much of a party person, really... I need people in my life to force me to do fun, social things. I think that is one of the suckiest parts of moving to Dallas. I don't really know anyone yet. I'm beginning to make friends, at church and at work, but when I'm not at those places, I am basically on my own for fun. It's ironic that I feel lonely a lot when I have 658 "friends" on my social networking site. The problem I guess is that although most of them have been my friends in real life at one time or another, not many of them live near where I live in real life right now. I'm not a social butterfly who knows how to put herself out there to find new people to have a good time with, and I guess I'm feeling the effects of that. I re-state something I mused about some time ago, "I wish everywhere were in the same place; then, when you leave, you're not so far away"... or perhaps, "then, when I leave, I'm not so far away."
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