Life Recap

With so many friends graduating recently I've been thinking more about my own graduation  a year ago and all the things that have happened since.  This past year has been a very difficult and transitional one for me -- but I guess difficult and transitional is how we grow.  Almost a year ago now I walked to the tune of pomp and circumstance with all the people I had somehow co-existed and learned with, and befriended on various levels for the past four years.  We sat and listened to Mako Fujimura give a moving speech about asking ourselves daily what we would make.  Some other words were spoken, then the first row of graduates stood and lined up by the stage.  I was number 8 in line.  I heard as my friends before me were announced and whisked across the stage.  After a few moments it was my turn.  I heard Jon Puls announce my name and I walked across the stage, slightly dazed, stopping to shake the hand of DBC and to be handed a diploma cover.  I then got to sit back down while the other thousand graduates heard their names called and got their diploma covers.  The recessional led us back away from the grassy lawn and into a cheering hoard of people -- friends and family.  And after a few moments, it was all over.  I went off with my family to celebrate with a picnic in the park, and I haven't seen a lot of those people since.  I think I wish I had more time to make memories with people important to me in that sea of faces.  I also wish I had more time to develop some of the friendships that were just barely begun.  Instead, I graduated, packed up my stuff, and moved several states over.  I kind of started over, in a new place, where I only knew a few people who I hadn't seen in years.  I got a job in retail, which I still have.  I enjoy it, though the 25 mile commute in each direction each day takes a bit of a toll.  I joined a church, Duncanville First Baptist Church, and joined the music ministry playing french horn for the services - third or fourth depending on who all makes it on any given Sunday.  I got connected with the college group, though I'm not in college anymore, so I always feel this bit of disconnect. 

Then, a few months into this new adventure, my grandmother passed away.  I didn't go to the funeral.  I couldn't deal with yet another life upset and I had a new job that I didn't want to jeopardize.  In retrospect, I could have gone, it would have been fine.  It probably would have been good.  I think I mourn most over the fact that I never feel like I got to know my grandmother.  I don't feel like I really got to know any of my grandparents.  I wasn't around.  I was in another country, living a separate life in another world.

Towards the end of 2012 I decided that I felt stuck, like my life wasn't going anywhere.  I decided to apply to ELIC for the opportunity to teach English overseas -- like my life didn't feel crazy enough already.  I dragged my feet through the whole process, but continued to follow through with the application.  I didn't want to start the process then completely back out.  I found out recently that I have been accepted into the program and can go July of 2014 if I choose.  I'm still weighing my options.

This spring I was hired as an art teacher at my current retail location, so basically I have two hats for the same employer now: art teacher and cashier.  I have two students in a class for this Saturday.  If a third joins, the minimum number of students, it will be my first class.  I've started having dreams about teaching these classes.  I think it expresses my concern about the situation.

I look forward to July with my next imminent adventure and Mel's wedding.  She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I will be driving to the east coast.  This will be my first time on that side of the country!  It will be a fun trip, picking up a good friend I haven't seen in far too long in Arkansas on the way, and getting to be a part of the wedding of a good friend I also haven't seen enough of recently!

So, I guess life is actually good right now.  I'm still working on the building friendships here thing, and I'm still working on being contented with where I am at.  If I feel like it's ok to go overseas again I may accept the teaching fellowship with ELIC, but it seems like it might be good to put down a few more roots first and to connect with a few more people.

doctor visits and personality functions

Two things, some comments on the primary function Fi in socionics and thoughts on giving blood.  So, I'll actually start with the latter first.  I had to have some blood drawn today for some tests for a physical exam that I'm doing because I was told I should.  I haven't been to the doctor in 5 years.  I tend to avoid healthcare whenever possible, not for financial reasons, though I'm sure that's a small factor -- mainly because for some reason I am wary of doctor's visits and don't find them necessary to my well-being.  I go in today and the lab technician asks, as she tries to find my veins if I've ever had problems having blood taken before; I said no, I don't think so, and she proceeded to have a hard time taking my blood.  I told her to try my other arm and see if it was any easier, because I would rather have my dominant arm slightly out of commission and have the process be faster and less painful... so she tried my right arm.  She poked me and could not find the vein.  Take two.  She switched to a smaller needle thing and poked me somewhere else that hurt a heck of a lot more, but at least she got some blood out.  It took forever.  There were three vials for tests and she couldn't get enough for all three, so instead of trying to poke me yet another place, she sort of divided what she had between them.  gah.  do not like doctor visits.  that was certainly re-affirmed.  In retrospect, I realize that I've never needed to have that much blood taken before.  For school physicals growing up overseas, they always took a lot less and they never seemed to have problems.  But I learned something today.  I am probably not a good candidate for donating blood.  Which is fine.  The thought always made me squeamish anyway.  If I have better experiences down the road with blood tests I may change this declaration, but for now, no way man.

On to Fi.  Possibly Ti as well, but I am not so familiar with that function.  I am realizing that one of the things that bugs me most about my interactions with people who have Fi as their primary function, that is, introverted feeling, is that they seem to make quick judgments about situations and feel the need to share these judgments.  With Si as my primary function my first instinct is not to judge a person or situation but to gather information.  Maybe this difference in natural response explains why my interactions with Fi primary types can frustrate me so quickly.  I speak with them not requesting a judgment but expecting them to just absorb information as I would do.  I probably need to change these expectations.

what is this thing called teaching

I am a painting instructor.  No, I have not held any classes yet, but I finally do have some students signed up.  I'm not sure what I think about this whole deal.  I strongly believe that to truly learn how to paint is a process.  I feel like the expectation of someone signing up for a painting class is to be awesome right away, or they don't sign up because they feel they have some kind of artistic inadequacy - "oh, I'm not 'crafty'."  I guess I'm bugged by the lack of ideal-ness in the situation.  What I would love, if I must teach my craft, is to have students over an extended period of time, where I could teach them first to draw then to paint, then un-teach them how to draw so that they can paint without reservation.  I'm not sure what someone expects when they sign up for a three hour one time painting class.  I guess they want instant gratification and to be able to say, "hey! look what I did!"... and I think the curriculum I'm trying to develop for this one time sort of thing should allow that.  I guess what I'm having more trouble with is figuring out what I'm supposed to teach in my kids classes... especially because one of my students has parents who seem really eager for the kid to really learn something and succeed and figure out at a very young age if art is something they want to pursue.  I keep thinking back to when I was in elementary school and the projects my teacher had us do.  If I could just remember some of the ones I did at particular ages, maybe I could develop appropriate projects for younger aspiring artists that would be beneficial.  I was thinking tonight about class with Ms. Brown and how our assignments frequently stemmed from children's books with lots of awesome illustrations.  She would read us the book, let us each choose an illustration to copy/re-illustrate, then photocopy it so we could use it as reference.  I think it was important to not just copy a picture but to have the original context that it was drawn for, to make early connections between literature and illustration, word and image.  It's hard for me, because I've been out of elementary school for about 13 years and although I don't mind working with kids, I haven't done it so extensively that I understand what level they should really be taught at.  I don't like the idea of dumbing down lessons too much because kids understand more I think than we give them credit for, and will absorb more if more is taught.  However, I don't want to make something so challenging that a child would give up.  It has to be fun, but it shouldn't be stupid.  If that makes any sense.  Anyway, I'm thinking a lot about this, because I am one student short of teaching a kids painting class at the end of this month.  Prayer is appreciated both for there to be more interest in the class and for me to be in the right frame of mind to prepare properly and to teach the material that should be taught to the students in the class.  There will only be a few students, so it will almost be like private art lessons.

in and out of focus

It's interesting to me how intensely I can focus on one thing sometimes.  Right now is not one of those times, except perhaps for an intense focus on the variety of things that steal my focus.  I remember in college how there were certain classes - ok, most of them - where I would put off the work until the night before or until a specific day.  I would devote hours of time to that one assignment, finish it, turn it in the next day, and usually do well.  I found that having a deadline approaching made the focus even stronger.  I particularly remember with joy my young adult lit reading, my bookmaking assignments, and Theology I.  I devoted Saturdays to young adult lit, where I would read a different teenaged novel it its entirety each Saturday then do a write-up to prove my read of it.  I read Twilight in a day -- though that was written much like candy, a cheap food substitute that tastes really good at the time but isn't that wholesome, and is really easy to just swallow huge amounts of quickly.  Inkheart may have been divided, I think mainly because only a half of the book was due at a time.  I remember in bookmaking we had a "class" book, in the sense that everyone had to come up with an illustration to a theme and then all the illustrations had to be used in each book in some way.  I turned cryptozoology into a fairy tale in rhyme where the over-eager peasant who goes to rescue the princess from the dragon does NOT win her hand in marriage, a tale with slight themes of feminism - let even the princess have the right to say no.  This was a bit of a challenge the night before... I was behind on the project since it took awhile to find an idea I liked, which of course including making a rhyming fairytale somehow involving all the cryptozoological illustrations... and the night before I only had the story done, so I re-illustrated everything by hand with colored pencil, cut out the pages and then bound them together and made a slip cover.  In Theo 1 we were told that our "projects" where we had a sheet of questions we had to look up and thoroughly answer could not receive a good grade if they were done the night before.  I think I took that as a little bit of a challenge, giving like 15 pages of single spaced replies, which took me about 6 hours the night before and earned me pretty much perfect scores.  (The number of pages decreased over the semester as I realized I probably didn't have to be as overly thorough and potentially long-winded as I was.)
...Then, of course, I can find myself overly focused on some mistake I've made at work that is thoroughly bugging me, some responsibility that has been given me that I haven't yet accomplished, or some kind of future event that I don't know the details of.

I find this interesting, because I can be focused in the utter quiet of the night with no music, just my mind, my eyes, my hands, and whatever I need to accomplish.  I know a lot of people who cannot focus in this complete kind of quiet and solitude... or who just have trouble focusing in general.

cuz I got personality, babe, and there ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it.

Since I was little, my parents told me that I was a J -- and I was like, yeah I'm a J, my name's Jennifer!  Later I realized they were attempting to type me using the MBTI (Myers Briggs) personality typing system.  In high school I took several free tests online -- some of which I of course posted results to my myspace or hi5 account (I have not participated on either site in many years, may they rest in peace).  Then, my Junior year of high school I took the official MBTI test through my school's counseling office.  It told me the same thing as the free tests -- ISFJ.  This left me in a quandry as I started my degree in art and wondered how an ISFJ could want to pursue art.  I mean, isn't ISFP the artist type?  Or at least shouldn't I be an N and be interested in theories so that I can make art leaden with complex ideas that are more about the philosophy than the materials and work involved?  I guess I began to feel really boxed in with the type, especially with a sister who was really interested in personality typing (she's an INFP, so this totally makes sense) and continually assured me that yes, I was a classic ISFJ... that is, until like two days ago.  My world opened up.  I discovered socionics.  If a person is typed correctly under the MBTI system and is an introvert, to convert the MBTI type to socionics, one must only switch the final letter, for me J, to the other letter, but lowercase, for me, p.  I had looked up the socionics inter-type relationship chart many a time, of course trying to find which kinds of people would make a perfect love interest for me - or even a good friend for me - and had always put my type as ISFj thinking that socionics and MBTI were the same.  I then got discouraged because some of my favorite people were types that were supposedly not very compatible with mine.  However, in socionics, I am not an ISFj but an ISFp, or a Sensing Ethical Introvert.  I re-verified this by taking a free socionics test this afternoon.  This means that those types that were previously incompatible to mine may just be perfect guinea pigs for my affection.  I also have looked up socionics ISFp and SEI descriptions and have found that they fit me to a T.  (Pun intended, though I am not a T... pun always intended.)  This clears up so much fog that has stayed with me for so long.  As an SEI being an artist is expected, not a weird exception.  As an SEI it makes sense that I painted my room bright indigo.  Being typed as an SEI I don't feel boxed in to expectations but feel free to be who I am.  You may not realize how freeing being accurately categorized is... especially since being categorized does not sound like freedom at all.  -- Thank you sister for your initial enlightenment into the socionics world and for helping me clear the fog regarding my personality identity.  I will dig deeper with joy.

Don't want this to be over ever...

If this heart could find somebody
To love her like she ain't nobody
Want to be your special someone
I've been waiting, now I'm done

Steal my heart don't give it back again
Maybe not until I tell you when
And good sir that will be never -
Don't want this to be over ever.

( ...but it hasn't even begun, and the somebody is yet to be found)