feeling blue...

I've cried every day for the past five days.  I don't know the significance of this.  I do know that it's not exactly acceptable to cry in public.  People ask you what's wrong, as if it's so terribly unnatural to cry.  Well, maybe it is.  Why do I cry?  So many things are changing that I can't control and that I have no desire to control.  These changes are good things, but letting go of old and letting in new is hard and scary.  For the last couple months I haven't cried a lot, so the need for it I think has been building up and maybe I'm finally at a place where I'm willing to grieve?  What am I grieving?  change, the things that are different now because of change.  I feel blue, but I also think I'm in a good place.  There are other things in my life that I wish would change that haven't, but I guess I'm a work in progress?  I don't know.  I felt the need to write something, so I turned to this illustrious blog.  It's nothing spectacular, just feeling like if I don't write I'll simply burst into tears again.  There is probably a whole list of reasons for the tears and to explain them I would have to tell you a story of my life over the last several years.  Yes.  Years.  Because those moments are what have led me to this one.  No moment is detachable from any others - life is a continual flow of moments, and to understand one, you have to have some understanding of all the moments that led up to it.  Why do I process life in a certain way?  You might have to return to my childhood upbringing in another country to begin to understand that.  Why to some things make me cry easily?  You would have to look at the experiences I have had that those things remind me of.

I cried through church on Sunday -- mainly through worship, but I was in a blue mood all morning.  Particularly moving was... "you're a good good Father, that's who you are, that's who you are!... and I'm loved by you... that's who I am, that's who I am!".... I think it particularly moved me to be reminded that God loves me.  Sometimes I feel like that ought to be an impossibility.  How could he love a sinner like me?!  But there is so much more to my tears than that.  Growing up really sucks sometimes.