you know, jobs and futures and stuff.

I talked a bit at church today with a guy who is dissatisfied with his job, which I totally understood.  I told him how in January I quit my retail job and went the next four months without one... and he asked what I was doing now, so I told him about working at the rec center, which also doesn't sound like an ideal job.  If anything I feel like what I said would be discouraging - going from one non-career job to another.  But I feel like I am where I should be.  I feel like the rec center was God's answer to my prayers.  It's what I need right now - not a lot of money, but a low stress job that I can do while living and figuring out this making art and selling it thing.  I have an annoying relationship with the concept of "what I do."  I don't feel like the rec center is a "real" job and I don't feel like making stuff and selling it is either.  So what do I do?  Well, I make stuff and sell it.  And I sit at a counter and sell city spaces to people.  And I live.  Not on a lot of money, but God provides enough.  I feel like I've been treading water since I graduated from college, and I've been unsure how to use my life - how to let God use my life?  Sometimes I'm not sure whether the directions I think about going are mine or God's.  When I first came to Texas all I wanted was an excuse to run away - teaching English overseas sounded great at the time.  I don't want to run away anymore.  I think that's progress.  Now I'm trying to figure out why God brought me here in the first place.  I feel like he wastes nothing and has a purpose for everything, so why am I in Texas?  In Dallas?  In Duncanville?  Why did I study art?  Why was I born to linguists in the Philippines?  How will my story make sense?  At first I thought I was moving to Duncanville as an in between place until I figured out where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do.  But I'm realizing that my "in-between" place might be God's "destination" place for me.  It seems like he has a reason for leading me here.  I just haven't figured it out yet.