sticking it out?

The sermon this morning was on sticking it out in marriage, and it was a great sermon.  I kept getting distracted vaguely thinking about my own theoretical someday marriage.  It's hard not to focus on singleness when I have friends getting married and having kids and here I am, me, figuring out life as a single lady.  It's tough.  I know marriage is tough, too.  Life is tough.  I would rather do life with someone else and we can work through challenging things together than to do life alone.  A friend the other day was asking me what I wanted to do afterwards if I were to pursue a world arts degree, and I told her I didn't have a specific plan.  I have a list of things I could do, that I'd be willing to do, but I don't have a specific life plan.  She gave me a hard time about the no plan thing, and I was quiet for a minute then broke down and told her that I "don't have a life plan" not just because of the reasons I had previously stated about how we can't possibly know the future, but because plans sometimes rely on other people.  If I could have my way, my plan would be to get married and be a stay at home wife, mother, and artist, but that requires a guy being in my life who falls in love with and marries me.  In the meantime I can't just wait around waiting for life to happen, I have to make choices as a single lady figuring out life as a single lady.  Right now that involves taking more classes that help to unite my passion for art and my desire to follow God in my life and seeking to be closer with God.  I don't want to be single forever, but I desire a lifetime marriage and family with a man, not just a wedding for the sake of it, and that means waiting.  The waiting thing sucks, but I guess entering a marriage with the wrong person would suck even more.

wishing to dialogue... with you

I want to get out of my head and dialogue with people about life, art, trauma healing, God, where he has led me and where he is leading.  I crave intentional community where I can do this, but I know that my immediate reaction is to dive into deep topics with people I may only barely know, because the process of getting to know someone in this culture takes so long.  I want deep, late night conversations with people who can hold their end of the discussion and seek beauty in tragedy, cosmos in chaos, not just be silent while I rant and rave about topics perhaps not understood, or that perhaps someone finds un-interesting.  (I know, that seems hardly possible.)

I am on an adventure of seeking the will of God, whatever that may be.  Right now I am doing this by taking a graduate level course on using Arts in Trauma Healing.  I am convinced that God created me for a purpose and created me with specific desires and competencies for a reason.  In undergrad I studied Studio Arts and Biblical & Theological Studies.  Right now I'm taking a class that combines both of these for the purpose of trauma healing.  I don't know if God is calling me to work with trauma healing, but I feel that he is calling me to use art for his glory, and trauma is such a common part of life experience that it would be negligent not to study how to work with its victims.

I know I am not alone - God is always here, my housemates are here, my family is here, friends are here in varies states of presence - meaning that some are here physically, some emotionally, some a phone call or facebook message away, most scattered across the globe.  Yet, I feel alone sometimes, and I don't know how to tell people that or how to seek people out when I need them.  Online interactions are not enough for true living.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I hide in my own little world
Where I can make life what I want it to be,
See it how I wish to see it,
Where I can be free

I surround myself with beauty
Remembrances of what was
Thoughts of what could be -

Vibrant colors, flowers, drawings,
Materials to aid in the act of creation
Space to think, and dream

Sometimes I fill my space with music
Sometimes I dance -

But sometimes there is silence,
Besides a smile
And a whisper in the ear.

Sometimes I hide in my own little world
Where I can make life what I want it to be -
Here I feel safe
Here I feel free

Safe from things I don't understand,
Safe from conflict
Safe from the vulnerability
of getting to know people
well enough
and let them close enough
that they can hurt me.

But sometimes I need to let those things in
Welcome other people into my space,
Both literally and figuratively
Share the beauty I find
Rather than just keeping it to myself.

Sometimes I need to hang out in other people's worlds, too -
See how others have learned or chosen to see
Discover new kinds of beauty
And things that make them feel free.