God's way or the highway

I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a post like this, that it would never come to this, but I need to process. I am no longer in a relationship, and that is really tough. God's been doing some really important things in my heart, though, and I am not completely crushed, because God is holding me, just immensely sad. And it will take some time to work through this. I believe God is in control and that his ways are perfect, but man, that is a place I have had to get to. Ironically, he has been leading me here through this entire relationship. I realized about 6 months in that I idolized marriage and family and I needed to give those to God - which is weird that while dating someone I had to come to a place of being ok with being single for the rest of my life. It was so counter-cultural, but so important. I am very glad that God brought me to that place, because in relationships we can't be completed by the other person, we can't look for them to be our "other half." That puts them in God's place and not only is it impossible and unhealthy for the other person to even try to fill that role, but it is way too much pressure. He taught me so much about how to love another person, not just emotionally but as a daily choice - and how to do that with him as well! He deepened my trust in him and showed me the ultimate importance of putting my relationship with him first! One of Satan's lies that has been so easy for me to buy into is, "well, you've been a Christian for so long that clearly your relationship with Jesus is in a good place... you don't need to work on it" Lies. It doesn't work in relationships with people and it certainly doesn't work in a relationship with Jesus. I'm done with romantic relationships for awhile. Maybe forever, I am open to that possibility, though the thought is really painful. The truth is, I want to work on my relationship with Jesus, and if he brings me someone I will see it as the hugest blessing from God and if he doesn't, then I will work on being fully satisfied in my singleness and work on seeing that as the hugest blessing from God. I thank Jesus for the wonderful friend he helped me to find through my last relationship, and I pray that he would help me to reach out of my comfort zone more and work on building up friendships with other people in my life. I'm not planning to try online dating again. I found a great guy that way, but I very much felt like I was trying to take my future into my own hands rather than wait on God's perfect timing. I do feel like God can use online dating - I know people who have met their spouse that way. But with the things I have learned in the last eight months, I don't want to try it again. I found it was difficult to maintain my focus on God when put in a position of focusing on myself and the needs I wanted to have filled, advertising myself as single, putting up the best pictures I could find of myself, and figuring out how to best make myself sound like a good catch. There was quote I used to hear all the time when I was in high school "A woman's heart must be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her." I sort of bought it, but also felt it was a little bit cliche. However, I'm realizing that a lot of things that I labeled as "cliche" in the past have become that way not because they are false, but because they are true. Reading "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram has confirmed that as well... as has talking to my dad who said that the summer after meeting my mom he went to a conference and was introduced to a book called "Choosing to Love" which is what helped him decide to marry my mom and helped show him the right way to go about it. God first. Friendship second. If any man is to find me, God will have to lead him to me, because I am not looking for a relationship. I am looking to lose myself more deeply in God. This doesn't mean I don't want to marry someday and have a family someday, but I know that those things are actually not promised.

Rant.

I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with advertising and also Facebook... yes, they're linked. It's primarily Facebook advertising that is really getting to me, but also how intrusive the website feels. I like it because I feel like I can write things and be "heard" or rather I guess "seen" by other people, but it becomes mindless click-bait... and you can barely scroll down the main page before you're bombarded with "buy this" or "buy that" or even "look at all these great things going on in your friends lives!" (while mine is lacking in that way so it must suck -- coveting my neighbor's good fortune perhaps?) or "look at how sucky this other friend's life is!" and meanwhile, I'm sitting at a screen wasting my life living and dying vicariously through other people. I'm also increasingly annoyed with the concept of consumerism, with stuff being made for us to just "consume" like a greedy and gluttonous person who is never satisfied. Food has chemicals added so that companies can make more money with longer shelf lives... and ooh! great side effect for their wallets, the addictions to these chemicals that ensue! And in the meantime a public who is complacent and completely unaware of how these are affecting them are walking around like zombies on technology eating poison and slowly (sometimes quickly!) dying without knowing what it was like to truly live. I'm fed up with society the way it is... from advertising to chemicals in everything to the upside-down way that society teaches us to do relationships... and probably some other things.

I know that skipped around quite a bit, but my mind is a bit of a jumble. I'm frustrated with several things at the same time... and in my mind they are all sort of connected.

Ugh.

This morning I woke up really weepy and with a slight headache. Just processing life I guess and I can't keep the tears from spilling out my eyes and down my face. I am usually such an optimist, but that doesn't mean life doesn't suck beneath the decision to choose joy. I thought how great it would be to just take a year sabbatical from normal and visit people and explore the world. I don't generally like travel that much and I'm not much of an adventurer, but the idea felt so freeing. I think it's a flight response trying to kick in. Some days everything is going great - my job, my relationship, my friendships - other times it's hard to see the beauty. The pastor is on vacation, so it has just been me in the church office holding down the fort and finally getting to projects she asked me to do awhile ago. One of them stirred up so much dissension in one of the church members that I got an angry phone call after I was supposed to already be off on Wednesday. I maybe shouldn't have answered. I have been given permission to not answer if it's later than normal church hours, but part of me would rather have the wrath then than later. Because it's just me, I get to (have to?) to a lot more coordinating of people. That's tiring. I'm ready for a loooooonnnnnggg vacation of actually going somewhere, not my normal "stay"cation because I don't want to go somewhere alone. My relationship, I have felt, is in a good place, but it can be such a roller coaster. This summer has been such a roller coaster, because we're working hard to make sure we're structuring our relationship correctly - God first, not just in word but in deed. This is new to both of us. Also, we're both very emotional people. When I think it's going great, I find out on the other end that it isn't, and then come emotionally challenging conversations. In those moments I pray that God gives me the grace to extend grace and that he shows me the most loving responses.

Year Six. A New Adventure

This month marks five years that I have lived in Texas. Six years ago, I had no idea this would be a thing. It has been a whirlwind and the time in my life that I have been molded and shaped the most. Five years ago I graduated with a BFA in Studio Arts and minor in Biblical Studies and I felt like the world was at my fingertips. With an art degree I felt like I could do anything -- I mean, it was basically a degree in creative problem solving and that's useful for any job, right?! I moved to the metroplex not because I wanted to relocate here, but because my family was moving here and I wanted to be home for a bit so I could figure out this adulting thing before truly going out on my own. In the past five years I have had three jobs - Jo-Anns, the Rec Center, and now FPCD. I have taken an Arts and Trauma Healing class and a class called Arts for a Better Future. I helped lead a trauma healing Bible study with friends. I went from knowing one person besides my family here to knowing many. I had my first relationship, my first break-up, and now am in a second relationship that I hope doesn't end. I gained a brother-in-law and a nephew. I lived with my parents and I lived with friends, though I'm back to living with my parents again. I have the same car that I did, it's just five years older now. I have been a bridesmaid in two weddings and a maid-of-honor in one. I have gained friends and let others slip away. This month is the beginning of my sixth year in Texas, and yet another adventure. Until now, the longest I lived anywhere was four years at a time, and even if I went back, it was to a different house. My life is disjointed and fractured. People and places I care about are scattered all over. Here's to actually sticking around for awhile. Staying: a new adventure.