God's way or the highway

I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a post like this, that it would never come to this, but I need to process. I am no longer in a relationship, and that is really tough. God's been doing some really important things in my heart, though, and I am not completely crushed, because God is holding me, just immensely sad. And it will take some time to work through this. I believe God is in control and that his ways are perfect, but man, that is a place I have had to get to. Ironically, he has been leading me here through this entire relationship. I realized about 6 months in that I idolized marriage and family and I needed to give those to God - which is weird that while dating someone I had to come to a place of being ok with being single for the rest of my life. It was so counter-cultural, but so important. I am very glad that God brought me to that place, because in relationships we can't be completed by the other person, we can't look for them to be our "other half." That puts them in God's place and not only is it impossible and unhealthy for the other person to even try to fill that role, but it is way too much pressure. He taught me so much about how to love another person, not just emotionally but as a daily choice - and how to do that with him as well! He deepened my trust in him and showed me the ultimate importance of putting my relationship with him first! One of Satan's lies that has been so easy for me to buy into is, "well, you've been a Christian for so long that clearly your relationship with Jesus is in a good place... you don't need to work on it" Lies. It doesn't work in relationships with people and it certainly doesn't work in a relationship with Jesus. I'm done with romantic relationships for awhile. Maybe forever, I am open to that possibility, though the thought is really painful. The truth is, I want to work on my relationship with Jesus, and if he brings me someone I will see it as the hugest blessing from God and if he doesn't, then I will work on being fully satisfied in my singleness and work on seeing that as the hugest blessing from God. I thank Jesus for the wonderful friend he helped me to find through my last relationship, and I pray that he would help me to reach out of my comfort zone more and work on building up friendships with other people in my life. I'm not planning to try online dating again. I found a great guy that way, but I very much felt like I was trying to take my future into my own hands rather than wait on God's perfect timing. I do feel like God can use online dating - I know people who have met their spouse that way. But with the things I have learned in the last eight months, I don't want to try it again. I found it was difficult to maintain my focus on God when put in a position of focusing on myself and the needs I wanted to have filled, advertising myself as single, putting up the best pictures I could find of myself, and figuring out how to best make myself sound like a good catch. There was quote I used to hear all the time when I was in high school "A woman's heart must be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her." I sort of bought it, but also felt it was a little bit cliche. However, I'm realizing that a lot of things that I labeled as "cliche" in the past have become that way not because they are false, but because they are true. Reading "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships" by Chip Ingram has confirmed that as well... as has talking to my dad who said that the summer after meeting my mom he went to a conference and was introduced to a book called "Choosing to Love" which is what helped him decide to marry my mom and helped show him the right way to go about it. God first. Friendship second. If any man is to find me, God will have to lead him to me, because I am not looking for a relationship. I am looking to lose myself more deeply in God. This doesn't mean I don't want to marry someday and have a family someday, but I know that those things are actually not promised.