Ugh.

This morning I woke up really weepy and with a slight headache. Just processing life I guess and I can't keep the tears from spilling out my eyes and down my face. I am usually such an optimist, but that doesn't mean life doesn't suck beneath the decision to choose joy. I thought how great it would be to just take a year sabbatical from normal and visit people and explore the world. I don't generally like travel that much and I'm not much of an adventurer, but the idea felt so freeing. I think it's a flight response trying to kick in. Some days everything is going great - my job, my relationship, my friendships - other times it's hard to see the beauty. The pastor is on vacation, so it has just been me in the church office holding down the fort and finally getting to projects she asked me to do awhile ago. One of them stirred up so much dissension in one of the church members that I got an angry phone call after I was supposed to already be off on Wednesday. I maybe shouldn't have answered. I have been given permission to not answer if it's later than normal church hours, but part of me would rather have the wrath then than later. Because it's just me, I get to (have to?) to a lot more coordinating of people. That's tiring. I'm ready for a loooooonnnnnggg vacation of actually going somewhere, not my normal "stay"cation because I don't want to go somewhere alone. My relationship, I have felt, is in a good place, but it can be such a roller coaster. This summer has been such a roller coaster, because we're working hard to make sure we're structuring our relationship correctly - God first, not just in word but in deed. This is new to both of us. Also, we're both very emotional people. When I think it's going great, I find out on the other end that it isn't, and then come emotionally challenging conversations. In those moments I pray that God gives me the grace to extend grace and that he shows me the most loving responses.