you know, jobs and futures and stuff.

I talked a bit at church today with a guy who is dissatisfied with his job, which I totally understood.  I told him how in January I quit my retail job and went the next four months without one... and he asked what I was doing now, so I told him about working at the rec center, which also doesn't sound like an ideal job.  If anything I feel like what I said would be discouraging - going from one non-career job to another.  But I feel like I am where I should be.  I feel like the rec center was God's answer to my prayers.  It's what I need right now - not a lot of money, but a low stress job that I can do while living and figuring out this making art and selling it thing.  I have an annoying relationship with the concept of "what I do."  I don't feel like the rec center is a "real" job and I don't feel like making stuff and selling it is either.  So what do I do?  Well, I make stuff and sell it.  And I sit at a counter and sell city spaces to people.  And I live.  Not on a lot of money, but God provides enough.  I feel like I've been treading water since I graduated from college, and I've been unsure how to use my life - how to let God use my life?  Sometimes I'm not sure whether the directions I think about going are mine or God's.  When I first came to Texas all I wanted was an excuse to run away - teaching English overseas sounded great at the time.  I don't want to run away anymore.  I think that's progress.  Now I'm trying to figure out why God brought me here in the first place.  I feel like he wastes nothing and has a purpose for everything, so why am I in Texas?  In Dallas?  In Duncanville?  Why did I study art?  Why was I born to linguists in the Philippines?  How will my story make sense?  At first I thought I was moving to Duncanville as an in between place until I figured out where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do.  But I'm realizing that my "in-between" place might be God's "destination" place for me.  It seems like he has a reason for leading me here.  I just haven't figured it out yet.

feeling blue...

I've cried every day for the past five days.  I don't know the significance of this.  I do know that it's not exactly acceptable to cry in public.  People ask you what's wrong, as if it's so terribly unnatural to cry.  Well, maybe it is.  Why do I cry?  So many things are changing that I can't control and that I have no desire to control.  These changes are good things, but letting go of old and letting in new is hard and scary.  For the last couple months I haven't cried a lot, so the need for it I think has been building up and maybe I'm finally at a place where I'm willing to grieve?  What am I grieving?  change, the things that are different now because of change.  I feel blue, but I also think I'm in a good place.  There are other things in my life that I wish would change that haven't, but I guess I'm a work in progress?  I don't know.  I felt the need to write something, so I turned to this illustrious blog.  It's nothing spectacular, just feeling like if I don't write I'll simply burst into tears again.  There is probably a whole list of reasons for the tears and to explain them I would have to tell you a story of my life over the last several years.  Yes.  Years.  Because those moments are what have led me to this one.  No moment is detachable from any others - life is a continual flow of moments, and to understand one, you have to have some understanding of all the moments that led up to it.  Why do I process life in a certain way?  You might have to return to my childhood upbringing in another country to begin to understand that.  Why to some things make me cry easily?  You would have to look at the experiences I have had that those things remind me of.

I cried through church on Sunday -- mainly through worship, but I was in a blue mood all morning.  Particularly moving was... "you're a good good Father, that's who you are, that's who you are!... and I'm loved by you... that's who I am, that's who I am!".... I think it particularly moved me to be reminded that God loves me.  Sometimes I feel like that ought to be an impossibility.  How could he love a sinner like me?!  But there is so much more to my tears than that.  Growing up really sucks sometimes.

do not worry.

This came to mind tonight, so I looked it up and read it again.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

God is in control. You know, I wonder sometimes where my life is going and what sort of plan God has for it. I know this isn't about plans, but it is about God taking care of us, of him taking care of me. He is the great provider. A couple years ago I looked into teaching English overseas as a missionary, and I even got accepted into the program, but I didn't go. I think I was afraid. Of many things. I was afraid of the money I would need to raise and I was afraid of the student loans I still needed to pay off... and having expenses but no income besides what God would provide and I think I was scared he wouldn't provide, that I wanted to go for my own reasons - like running away - and that I wasn't going because he was actually calling me to it. I was scared that he was calling me, too, I think, and I was scared to follow. I was also scared of leaving behind the few connections I had here. I'm pretty much a scaredy cat sometimes who needs to be reminded to stop worrying about life. I don't know if God has foreign missions specifically in mind for me or not, but I know that whatever he has for me, he will provide. Over the summer he provided a way for me to completely pay off my student loans and become debt free. He provided a new job for me that is just enough for me to afford everything I need, and low stress so my life can be more than just work. He provided a new place for me to live that fits in my new budget that is allowing me to gain independence and to make new connections. He is on the move, and I can feel it. I can't wait to see what else he has in store. Tonight some friends came over and we watched The End of the Spear, because one of them is about to leave overseas to do mission work. I will admit that about halfway through I started silently sobbing, and I'm not sure why, though I know that movie has had the same effect on me in the past. It's like when I watched Peace Child. Part of me feels nostalgic watching movies like that, not because of the violence but because of being a little blonde girl, once, who got to live in a tribal village and play with kids whose language I did not know and did not learn very well. Regardless of whether it's just strong memories and a longing for "home" or some sort of calling or just having a heart, I always find myself very moved by these films. At the end, someone commented on how "not realistic" it was - changes that were made from reality in order to make it movie appropriate - but it didn't make it less moving for me. Is there a call in feeling an emotional response to something like that? I don't know. I do know that sometimes I'm a rather oblivious person and don't take hints very well, so if God wants me to do something it has to be very much in my face.

not that brave.

Some days I'm not that brave.  Like right now, sitting on my bed with silent tears spilling down my face.  That's usually how I cry, so as not to draw attention to myself - silently.  I tend to be extra emotional when I haven't been getting enough sleep or am stressed out, or both - those usually go hand in hand.  What am I not brave about?  I'm not brave about the major life decisions I'm making lately.  I'm not brave about letting my relationship that I ended go.  I'm not brave about knowing that everything with the house I'm hoping to get with friends will work out.  Mainly thinking about the relationship, but the house thing is gnawing at the back of my brain, too.  I know that God loves me, but I also know that doesn't mean everything will always work out how I want it to.

I ended my relationship because there were things that I knew in my head weren't right, even though my heart desperately wanted to never let go.  There are days that my heart still grasps for what was and it hurts because it's like I'm grasping at empty air.  I was in love, or as close to it as I've ever been, but among other things he was more important to me than I to him.  Part of me wonders if I'll ever have a shot at love again.  I desperately want to be loved by someone who I can love in return and who I can build a life with, who can be my life partner.

Tonight I'm not that brave.  Tonight I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as the rest of the house sleeps because I'm not convinced that there is anyone out there for me, and that truly sucks.

The past several months a lot has happened in my life.  In January I quit a job that I had for 2.5 years, for a plethora of reasons.  (I think I give a different one every time I bring it up, and they're all true.)  Right before quitting my job, I finally set up an Etsy shop so I could sell stuff that I make.  In March my only sister and the only person who has been my constant best friend my whole life got married and I gained a brother.  Oh yeah, and I turned 25.  In April, I think, I visited my friend in Arkansas who I had previously dated because I needed to get out of town and I hadn't seen him in awhile.  We decided to try dating again.  Also, I had my first kiss.  A few weeks later I visited one of my best friends in Wisconsin because I hadn't seen her in far too long.  I started having doubts about my relationship and if it was a good idea to have started it up again.  I visited Arkansas again in May and hung out with my boyfriend and his friends - they had a reunion of sorts.  The problem is, every time I see this guy, all I know is that I really like him.  Heart takes over from head.  A few weeks later, after much deliberation and a long conversation, I ended the relationship.  The second time around it was rather short lived.  The day after that long conversation, I was interviewed for a new job.  Several weeks later I started that job.  I feel like the last few months have been a transition for me, the end of many things and the beginning of many new ones.  I quit one job, started two others.  I gained a brother.  I lost a boyfriend, though I retained a friend.  Now I'm looking at moving away from my parent's house, at least for the next year.  I feel like I keep being given new adventures, partially because I've been open to going on them.  I'm hoping God has something interesting in store for me soon.  Although so much has happened lately and maybe because so much has been happening, I'm yearning for direction more than ever.  Where do I go from here?  All I know is I'm taking one step forward at a time.  Maybe someday the fog will lift and I'll find the destination.  I'm hoping that will include finding a man that loves God and loves me, too, someone I can build a future with.  And if not, may God give me the strength to live without.