In 2015...

2015 is coming to a close -- just 14 more days.  It has been a good year, but a hard year, a year of a lot of changes and a lot of growth.

In January I opened an Etsy shop, then quit my job as a keyholder at Jo-Ann's.  I had a lot of reasons to move on, and I think it was time.

In February I spent time searching for jobs to replace the one I had left, but I wasn't desperate for one, really, so I only applied for jobs that sounded fantastic - and no one called me back.

In March I turned 25 and was maid-of-honor in my sister's wedding.  I gained a brother.  In March I also re-entered a long-distance relationship with one of my best friends.

In April I made stuff and visited a different best friend from high school in Wisconsin.

In May I visited my boyfriend and some of his friends... I think about this time I was also contacted by an MK acquaintance who asked if I wanted to move in with her and some other girls who were wanting to get a house together.  I said I would love to but couldn't because I didn't have a job, so no reliable paycheck.

In June I ended my long-distance relationship - sometimes friendship works better than a relationship, but I think we needed to try it to know.  The next day I interviewed for a job with the City of Duncanville and got it.  I started my job on June 23, 2015.  I also paid off the last of my student loans in June.  Debt free, baby!

In July I worked... and I let the girls who had contacted me about the house know that I would be able to move with them since I had started working again.  We started seriously house hunting.

August 10, 2015 we moved into our new place and I moved out of my parent's house.

September, October, November, December... lots of making stuff and meeting new people.  A great thing about moving in with people is that I get to know them better and get to know their friends, too. I started regularly attending church with my housemate, which has been really good.  It was the church I was interested in attending, anyway, but it helps to keep me accountable when I have someone to go with.  Sometime in here, I think maybe in October, I was at ALDI with one of my housemates and we ran into someone I didn't know, but she did, and I got to talking with her about art.  She mentioned the Arts in Trauma Healing course through GIAL.  I applied for gateway status (the easy way in) and will be taking the course starting in January.  I'm excited for the new connections I'm making with people and for the directions my life is turning.  I love that I feel like my life is going somewhere.  I don't know where, but I'm open to the adventure

Also in 2015...
I made and sold 8 cat mugs, 6 tardis mugs, 2 custom tea sets, a custom portrait oil painting, a couple custom journals/books, and well, I was busy making stuff during select times of the year - mainly entertained by the 8 cat mugs - 5 to people I don't know.  Apparently "cat" sells.

prayer shawls

So there is no telling whether this will happen or not, but The Crochet Crowd recently posted a link to their 9 Free Prayer Shawl Patterns on Facebook and it got me thinking about prayer shawls again.  Generally when people make prayer shawls, they pray for the people who will be receiving the shawl as they knit or crochet them.  (In the Facebook link they explained the story of one lady doing just this while crocheting prayer shawls for a church group she was a part of.)  This strikes me as a really fantastic idea.  Praying and crocheting, filling shawls with love and prayer then giving them away.  It seems that this would be a great way to not only fill my desire to make things, but also turn the making into a more devotional and giving experience.  Something to chew on.  At the moment I'm ready to declare a New Year's resolution of making a prayer shawl a month and choosing a different friend or person to pray for during that time, but I also know that I'm a little caught up in the wonderful feeling of the idea and I don't want to promise something happening that may or may not.  Just an idea to consider.  Does anyone want to join me?

feeling alone.

feeling alone.

I know feelings are often false -- if I think about it, I am not alone, in so many ways.  I know there are a lot of people who care about me and I know that God is always with me, but feelings are powerful things and it's hard to brush them away or to always logic them away.  Sometimes I think it's important to give them some credence and try and figure out why I'm feeling that way.

I don't have a lot of close friendships.  Not what I would consider close.  Developing depth takes time and that really sucks.

The person who became one of my closest friends wasn't good for me, and we dated, and now we're not, and I think I miss that.  We talk sometimes, but it's really not the same, and I really try to not need to talk to him right now because I need to move on.  Most days I have, then I feel alone and I miss what we had.  I know he's not right for me, and like I said, most days I have moved on - the days I haven't are days when I would really like a friend to talk to and really need a hug but don't know how to ask for that... so it's not a not moving on from him romantically, I think I'm past that, but not wanting to lose the close friendship I had - but in my brain the two are so closely linked with him that the whole thing is just... something.  I don't know how to put it into words.

I just learned the other day that my ceramics professor killed himself.  It was a couple years ago, and I knew he had passed away, but I don't think I ever knew why.  I assumed it was a natural death due to health problems he had been having possibly linked to so many years in a pottery studio.  That has really hit me deep the last few days.  I read a post online that one of my former classmates wrote in response to what happened right after it happened... and it was reposted in memory of two years since his passing.  It was beautifully written, contemplating his life and death.  I wish he hadn't chosen to leave.  I don't know why he chose to leave.  He's one of those professors who I would love to have gone back to see and now I can't, not in this life.

I could use a shoulder to cry on, just because it's nice to cry sometimes, and someone to hold me close and tell me encouraging things and make me laugh.  and then just sit there and hold me.

...

Looking down from outer space
At this small world from far away
Everything seems in its place
Nothing feels in disarray.

Then flying over earth so big
Glassy seas, cities, trees,
An archeologist doing a dig
A young mother fumbling for her keys --

Daily life activity
Different maybe for you than me
Living our proclivity --
Whatever that may happen to be.

Sometimes it's hard to see
Beyond today, now, me --

As brothers and sisters in other lands
Are having to follow evil demands
Losing lives through shootings, bombings, other disgraces
Sometimes just because of their races
Natural disasters claim some too -- 
Catastrophe and grief strike anew.
Their lives turned upside down from darkness and hate
And sometimes our love comes never or late.

Daily life activity
Jarringly different for you than me
Now that your freedoms are torn away
A colorful world gone dark gray

Flying over earth so grand
Blood red seas, burnt cities, trees
Disasters hitting every land
Chill of death hits the breeze.

I look down from outer space
At this small world from far away
Everything is out of place
The world in turmoil, disarray.

...

How can I live life here in what seems like relative safety and at the same time not forget the horrors of the world?  Every day somewhere in the world something dark happens.  Terrorism, random acts of violence, and yet I'm here in my little bubble of a relatively safe life just living and being and so often forgetting.  How can I reconcile this?  What can I do to not forget, and what can I do to help?

things I resonate with

I've been reading Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle and it seems tonight that every couple pages I want to scream, "yes!  yes!" because I resonate with it.

This, this is sort of how I feel with the career thing:

     "There's [a] New Yorker cartoon that shows a woman opening the door of her house to a friend.  We look through the door, and in the back of the house a man is writing at a typewriter, with a large manuscript piled on the desk beside him.  The friend asks, "Has your husband found a job yet?  Or is he still writing."
     "A successful businesswoman had the temerity to ask me about my royalties, just at the time when my books were at last making reasonable earnings.  When told, she was duly impressed, and remarked, "And to think, most people would have had to work so hard for that."  I choked over my tea not wanting to laugh in her face.
     "A young friend of mine was asked what she did, and when she replied that she was a poet, the inquirer responded, amused, "Oh, I didn't mean your hobby." 

(Walking on Water, pg. 109 in her chapter on Names and Labels.)

 When asked who I am, I am an artist.  It is not a hobby, it is a way of living.  What do I do?  I make stuff, and to help make ends meet I work at a recreation center.  I know in my previous blog entry I mentioned my dissatisfaction with this, but the main dissatisfaction is in feeling that what I do is not a mainstream choice - I don't have a normal career like teaching, or nursing, or administration, or something in the sciences - I don't bring in very much money in what I do - and that somehow because of that I have failed.  But I shouldn't care how I am viewed in the eyes of the world.  I know it isn't the choice that brings in a lot of money, but it is a conscious choice.  I want to work part time because I need the space to create and to live and be and figure out this life thing that God has given me.  How can I live it and to the full?  I believe God provides, he always has and always will.  I have these moments of doubt when I am living outside of belief or maybe momentarily forget God's promises.  He created me to create.  I don't care about having a lot of money, I care about having enough.  God grants this, and more.  Not in the ways I expect, but in the ways I need, in the ways that fill my heart and soul to overflowing.

you know, jobs and futures and stuff.

I talked a bit at church today with a guy who is dissatisfied with his job, which I totally understood.  I told him how in January I quit my retail job and went the next four months without one... and he asked what I was doing now, so I told him about working at the rec center, which also doesn't sound like an ideal job.  If anything I feel like what I said would be discouraging - going from one non-career job to another.  But I feel like I am where I should be.  I feel like the rec center was God's answer to my prayers.  It's what I need right now - not a lot of money, but a low stress job that I can do while living and figuring out this making art and selling it thing.  I have an annoying relationship with the concept of "what I do."  I don't feel like the rec center is a "real" job and I don't feel like making stuff and selling it is either.  So what do I do?  Well, I make stuff and sell it.  And I sit at a counter and sell city spaces to people.  And I live.  Not on a lot of money, but God provides enough.  I feel like I've been treading water since I graduated from college, and I've been unsure how to use my life - how to let God use my life?  Sometimes I'm not sure whether the directions I think about going are mine or God's.  When I first came to Texas all I wanted was an excuse to run away - teaching English overseas sounded great at the time.  I don't want to run away anymore.  I think that's progress.  Now I'm trying to figure out why God brought me here in the first place.  I feel like he wastes nothing and has a purpose for everything, so why am I in Texas?  In Dallas?  In Duncanville?  Why did I study art?  Why was I born to linguists in the Philippines?  How will my story make sense?  At first I thought I was moving to Duncanville as an in between place until I figured out where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do.  But I'm realizing that my "in-between" place might be God's "destination" place for me.  It seems like he has a reason for leading me here.  I just haven't figured it out yet.

feeling blue...

I've cried every day for the past five days.  I don't know the significance of this.  I do know that it's not exactly acceptable to cry in public.  People ask you what's wrong, as if it's so terribly unnatural to cry.  Well, maybe it is.  Why do I cry?  So many things are changing that I can't control and that I have no desire to control.  These changes are good things, but letting go of old and letting in new is hard and scary.  For the last couple months I haven't cried a lot, so the need for it I think has been building up and maybe I'm finally at a place where I'm willing to grieve?  What am I grieving?  change, the things that are different now because of change.  I feel blue, but I also think I'm in a good place.  There are other things in my life that I wish would change that haven't, but I guess I'm a work in progress?  I don't know.  I felt the need to write something, so I turned to this illustrious blog.  It's nothing spectacular, just feeling like if I don't write I'll simply burst into tears again.  There is probably a whole list of reasons for the tears and to explain them I would have to tell you a story of my life over the last several years.  Yes.  Years.  Because those moments are what have led me to this one.  No moment is detachable from any others - life is a continual flow of moments, and to understand one, you have to have some understanding of all the moments that led up to it.  Why do I process life in a certain way?  You might have to return to my childhood upbringing in another country to begin to understand that.  Why to some things make me cry easily?  You would have to look at the experiences I have had that those things remind me of.

I cried through church on Sunday -- mainly through worship, but I was in a blue mood all morning.  Particularly moving was... "you're a good good Father, that's who you are, that's who you are!... and I'm loved by you... that's who I am, that's who I am!".... I think it particularly moved me to be reminded that God loves me.  Sometimes I feel like that ought to be an impossibility.  How could he love a sinner like me?!  But there is so much more to my tears than that.  Growing up really sucks sometimes.

do not worry.

This came to mind tonight, so I looked it up and read it again.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

God is in control. You know, I wonder sometimes where my life is going and what sort of plan God has for it. I know this isn't about plans, but it is about God taking care of us, of him taking care of me. He is the great provider. A couple years ago I looked into teaching English overseas as a missionary, and I even got accepted into the program, but I didn't go. I think I was afraid. Of many things. I was afraid of the money I would need to raise and I was afraid of the student loans I still needed to pay off... and having expenses but no income besides what God would provide and I think I was scared he wouldn't provide, that I wanted to go for my own reasons - like running away - and that I wasn't going because he was actually calling me to it. I was scared that he was calling me, too, I think, and I was scared to follow. I was also scared of leaving behind the few connections I had here. I'm pretty much a scaredy cat sometimes who needs to be reminded to stop worrying about life. I don't know if God has foreign missions specifically in mind for me or not, but I know that whatever he has for me, he will provide. Over the summer he provided a way for me to completely pay off my student loans and become debt free. He provided a new job for me that is just enough for me to afford everything I need, and low stress so my life can be more than just work. He provided a new place for me to live that fits in my new budget that is allowing me to gain independence and to make new connections. He is on the move, and I can feel it. I can't wait to see what else he has in store. Tonight some friends came over and we watched The End of the Spear, because one of them is about to leave overseas to do mission work. I will admit that about halfway through I started silently sobbing, and I'm not sure why, though I know that movie has had the same effect on me in the past. It's like when I watched Peace Child. Part of me feels nostalgic watching movies like that, not because of the violence but because of being a little blonde girl, once, who got to live in a tribal village and play with kids whose language I did not know and did not learn very well. Regardless of whether it's just strong memories and a longing for "home" or some sort of calling or just having a heart, I always find myself very moved by these films. At the end, someone commented on how "not realistic" it was - changes that were made from reality in order to make it movie appropriate - but it didn't make it less moving for me. Is there a call in feeling an emotional response to something like that? I don't know. I do know that sometimes I'm a rather oblivious person and don't take hints very well, so if God wants me to do something it has to be very much in my face.

not that brave.

Some days I'm not that brave.  Like right now, sitting on my bed with silent tears spilling down my face.  That's usually how I cry, so as not to draw attention to myself - silently.  I tend to be extra emotional when I haven't been getting enough sleep or am stressed out, or both - those usually go hand in hand.  What am I not brave about?  I'm not brave about the major life decisions I'm making lately.  I'm not brave about letting my relationship that I ended go.  I'm not brave about knowing that everything with the house I'm hoping to get with friends will work out.  Mainly thinking about the relationship, but the house thing is gnawing at the back of my brain, too.  I know that God loves me, but I also know that doesn't mean everything will always work out how I want it to.

I ended my relationship because there were things that I knew in my head weren't right, even though my heart desperately wanted to never let go.  There are days that my heart still grasps for what was and it hurts because it's like I'm grasping at empty air.  I was in love, or as close to it as I've ever been, but among other things he was more important to me than I to him.  Part of me wonders if I'll ever have a shot at love again.  I desperately want to be loved by someone who I can love in return and who I can build a life with, who can be my life partner.

Tonight I'm not that brave.  Tonight I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as the rest of the house sleeps because I'm not convinced that there is anyone out there for me, and that truly sucks.

The past several months a lot has happened in my life.  In January I quit a job that I had for 2.5 years, for a plethora of reasons.  (I think I give a different one every time I bring it up, and they're all true.)  Right before quitting my job, I finally set up an Etsy shop so I could sell stuff that I make.  In March my only sister and the only person who has been my constant best friend my whole life got married and I gained a brother.  Oh yeah, and I turned 25.  In April, I think, I visited my friend in Arkansas who I had previously dated because I needed to get out of town and I hadn't seen him in awhile.  We decided to try dating again.  Also, I had my first kiss.  A few weeks later I visited one of my best friends in Wisconsin because I hadn't seen her in far too long.  I started having doubts about my relationship and if it was a good idea to have started it up again.  I visited Arkansas again in May and hung out with my boyfriend and his friends - they had a reunion of sorts.  The problem is, every time I see this guy, all I know is that I really like him.  Heart takes over from head.  A few weeks later, after much deliberation and a long conversation, I ended the relationship.  The second time around it was rather short lived.  The day after that long conversation, I was interviewed for a new job.  Several weeks later I started that job.  I feel like the last few months have been a transition for me, the end of many things and the beginning of many new ones.  I quit one job, started two others.  I gained a brother.  I lost a boyfriend, though I retained a friend.  Now I'm looking at moving away from my parent's house, at least for the next year.  I feel like I keep being given new adventures, partially because I've been open to going on them.  I'm hoping God has something interesting in store for me soon.  Although so much has happened lately and maybe because so much has been happening, I'm yearning for direction more than ever.  Where do I go from here?  All I know is I'm taking one step forward at a time.  Maybe someday the fog will lift and I'll find the destination.  I'm hoping that will include finding a man that loves God and loves me, too, someone I can build a future with.  And if not, may God give me the strength to live without.

...

So, according to Facebook, there have been several weddings amongst my acquaintances in the last couple weeks.  I am happy for them all, I genuinely am, but it makes me long so terribly for a wedding of my own.  Not a wedding for a wedding's sake, but a wedding because that means the start of a marriage, which means a life partnership, which is something I deeply long for.  I think the older I get - and I know, I'm still young - the more my heart cries out for this and the more my eyes cry out for this.  Seriously, so many tears.  I also know that if I genuinely want it to be a life partnership I can't rush anything.  It has to be right.  That sort of sucks.  I'm tired of this waiting thing.

...

Is it wrong that I want a grand gesture next time?  I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet and I'll be there in his arms shocked like, "wait, me?  you choose me?!"  I'm tired of the emotional turmoil that comes along with realizing that I'm 25 and that I might just be alone forever.  Am I an idealist in this?  Absolutely.  Does that mean that I'll be alone forever?  I hope not.  I know plenty of people who have absolutely sweet love stories, so I know it's not unattainable.  Is it wrong that I want that for me?  I don't think so.  Does this suck because it means I need to be patient?  Yes.  Does this suck because my timing and God's timing doesn't always line up and he knows best?  Yes.  Will I stop looking?  I'll try, I think I'll be more sane that way.  Will I stop hoping?  Probably never.

my heart hurts

In my head, with the information I have been given, I know it's not meant to be.  But in my heart, it was never meant to end.  Tears come in waves, not all at once.  For the first few days I think I felt relief, a weight off my shoulders, because what had been weighing on me was done.  Then time passed and I was busy with things, and then it hit me and I was flooded with immeasurable sorrow.  I was OK after a day or two, and then went back to being busy with things and distracting my focus.  I thought maybe it was over.  But now, I feel the tears washing over me again.  Part of me wants to crawl into a cave and hold myself tightly in a ball until the world around me disappears, until maybe I disappear.  Not forever, just maybe until all this goes away, until all is right with the world again.  Because all does not feel right with the world.  I don't have people that I talk to about these things.  He was the person I talked to - about everything.  Other friends don't seem available when I need them.  The worst thing ever is to give someone a call and reach voicemail or have them answer and say they're busy and then never get back to me.  It makes me not even want to try sometimes.  I know that this is just a breakup, and I did the breaking up, and we parted on good terms, are still friends, but I feel like what we had is lost.  I feel like my best friend died, and like I killed him.

Some Music...

So, I was inspired today by my friend Lucas Schrock-Hurst.  He's pursuing music and has been making albums as Lightning Lucas.  (Check his stuff out at lightninglucas.com!)

It reminded me about how I write songs from time to time, mainly inspired by my dad, who has an album of his own music, "Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus".  (Check out his YouTube channel... all the stuff with a tree as the background is from that album).

When I was 7 I wrote a song called "Jesus You Are My Lord" that went like this:

Jesus, you are my Lord
And my Fortress
Jesus, you are my Savior
And my Redeemer!
Jesus, I love you, and you love me.

(Throw in a repeat, and there you go!  It's quite sweet, really.)


Then, through middle and high school, oh those angsty years, I wrote songs and poetry to creatively process life.  The main difference between the two was that songs I intended to be songs to begin with, and the poetry often didn't work to music.

So... today, when I was inspired by Lightning Lucas, it was to put the things I had written out there.  I don't know if this will become a thing or be a one time sort of event.  But so far I have two songs I have recorded, just my voice, no accompaniment, because I haven't written music for any.

Looking for HOME.

Home for me is that sense of belonging that isn't tied to a specific place.  It is the belonging one finds in intentional community with other people.

Since moving to Texas I have felt rather alone because I have not sought that community.  I think I felt that this transitional time in my life would be less permanent than it has become, and why put down roots if I'm just going to painfully pull them up again?  But I wonder, if I begin to believe that moving here was more than just having a reliable place to stay, that maybe there was some other purpose in it, if I choose to let this become home, what sorts of gifts I may find hiding?

I long for intentional community, but I also believe that I suck at it.  It's hard for me to truly let people into my life and takes a lot of energy to truly invest myself in theirs as well.

I remember parts of college with fondness -- you know, if you wanted to hang out with people there was always someone to be found.

I loved roommate dates and weekly lunch dates with friends - sometimes old roommates, classmates, sometimes other MKs.  (Let's be honest, rarely other MKs.  I'm not sure why, but I didn't invest as much time with these people who I am supposed to have a lot in common with as I sort of wish I had.)

I spent my first 2.5 years living here spending my best hours working retail and the rest of the time recovering from work just to go back the next day.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  There was some fulfillment in that -- I love helping people and retail allowed me to do that -- but, in the end, the exhaustion outweighed the reward and I find myself still in Texas after 3 years with few friends - fewer who actually live in my part of the city - and hardly any community to speak of.  I know it is there if I actively look for it.  Future community of awesome people, home, will you look for me, too?

Forever at a crossroads

That's where I'm at.

Books & Clay is having a SALE!

Tonight I was looking at my Etsy shop and thinking about how some of my listings were going to expire soon, so I decided it was the perfect time for a SALE! From now until May 12, 2015 - honestly a couple items will still be on sale until May 13, but why risk missing out on this fabulous deal by waiting until the last minute only to realize that what you really wanted was either purchased or did have an end date of May 12 - select items in my shop will be on sale for 40% off! This discount has nothing to do with the quality of the items or with how much I like them, though I must say for a couple of them it really pained me to do this. The discount was big enough that it seemed like it would be incentive without me crying over spilled milk or giving things away for free. The catch? Anything that doesn't sell at 40% off I plan to re-list at the original price. I am reasonable. If you like something but want a different price, we can talk about it. If you live in the DFW area or have some way of getting your item without me shipping it, we can work that out, too. If you are close by and still don't have a Mother's Day gift - yes, Mother's Day is this coming Sunday - you may want to see what you can find in my shop for a fabulous deal! Everything is handmade and will not be handmade quite the same way ever again. These are handmade one of a kind (OOAK!) treasures, and getting 40% off already perfectly reasonably (and honestly cheap, since this is all handmade stuff that requires hours of patience, blood, sweat, and tears) priced items really makes this sale a steal. Hey, stop by. The worst that could happen is you shrug your shoulders, scrunch your nose, and move on. The best? You find a treasure that only you have found. Check It Out!

Baby Steps

I've been essentially off the grid for the last week on vacation visiting a good friend.  I think it was important to get away, though it's probably good to write another post.  Last Saturday I took a giant leap forward as far as my fear of actually doing all I need to do to be successful goes.  As a creative entrepreneur, someone who makes stuff and sells it, the most important thing is to put your work out there.  If no one is aware of what you create, how can you find a buyer?  I've been making stuff for years.  Probably about half or more of everything I own is something I have made or materials to make stuff, but I have never been good at marketing myself or my work.  I discovered in college that my work was actually interesting and purchasable, because I put some ceramics in the campus art sale a few times and made a little bit of pocket money.  Because of that and some friends' urgings I opened my Etsy shop.  I put on there stuff I made a couple years ago as well as current stuff, and then I began the daunting task of letting people know that I make stuff and am selling it.  I opened a facebook page - jensbooksandclay - and started telling people I knew about the shop.  At my sister's wedding, some guests got to see my work first hand and I made some sales.  I started discovering that sales could more easily be made in person.  Stuff just looks better in person, but like I said, I'm not good at putting myself out there.  A couple months ago, my sister signed me up to have a table at the Spring Fling event at the school where she teaches, and so of course I said, "ok," though I was thoroughly freaked out.  I knew that doing something like that was an important first step, and it didn't cost me anything.  I knew not to anticipate sales, but hoped for at least the beginning of some networking, because the event was about families coming and having fun, not so much about buying stuff, though that was an option.  It was important because now I've had a table somewhere and so the next time I do something like this it won't be as daunting.  I handed out a couple business cards and talked to a couple people who seemed interested in my work.  No sales, but a little bit of interest.  Purchasing goods was not the focus, and that's ok.  I have to keep reminding myself that success does not come overnight but comes with a lot of hard work and determination, and risk taking.  The hardest part for me is the risk taking, but baby steps my dear, baby steps.  I will get there.

Some pics of my set up at the Spring Fling:

A conspiracy of sorts.

So, I took about a week and a half off from doing ceramics to focus on other things.  I made three books, one which I dislike, one which I like, and one which I love.  I plan to make more like the one I love, but I need to go shopping and have no money to do so.  I will photograph and post these up soon and make them available on my Etsy shop.  The problem with things I make that I dislike is that I neither want to keep them nor sell them, because I feel that some things are just unworthy.  I will readily give these away, but I know that I need to temper that desire, or just make things that I love all the time.  I also did a little crochet.  I made an elephant hat that I made up as I went.  I have always felt a little iffy about making and selling stuff from someone else's pattern, so I try as much as I can to make my own.  (Though I did read an article recently about how it really is ok to sell things made from someone else's pattern.  Which makes sense because although designed by someone else, I would be the one actually putting forth the effort to make the thing I am selling.)  I also made some coasters, and I'm still in process with this.  I need to get on top of finishing these because this Saturday I have been signed up to run a table at a "Spring Fling" event at the school where my sister teaches.  I need to have a smattering of things, business cards, and I need to figure out what I want to donate to the school for I believe an auction.  I know it needs to be something nice, but I also don't want to give away something that I worked super hard on and may be able to sell for a good amount, you know, and actually get some sort of reward for all the time and effort I put into this stuff every day.

I am getting off the topic of my brain though.  The reason this post is called "A Conspiracy of Sorts" is because I did get back on my wheel again today.  It felt so good to throw.  Best thing ever.  I had some goals today.  I wanted to throw a candle warmer, because I want to own a candle warmer, and I would rather make one than buy one - which is the case with just about everything that I CAN make, as long as I'm not feeling lazy.  The last time I sat down to try this I miserably failed.  Failed not only at making a warmer, but I did not successfully throw anything.  I think that's why I took a small vacation from it.  Today I did manage to throw the warmer base and a little dish to sit on top to hold the wax.  I was very pleased.  The warmer was made on my first try.  After this I set to work on trying to throw a teapot, but I want it to be a very large teapot.  If I was ok with a small teapot, I would have succeeded.  Basically I tried to accomplish this by throwing tall cylinders and then trying to round them out.  I failed.  Maybe I was too eager, not patient enough, I don't know.  But tall cylinder after tall cylinder eventually fell into a bowl.  and I decided I would rather have a bowl than completely scrap what I had made.  And so, the clay and wheel conspired against me and after that candle warmer the rest of everything I made were bowls.  It's not that I dislike bowls, in fact I should probably make them more.  I just wanted a teapot and I did not get a teapot.

a bit too much space?

I don't like the space between people.  I'm not talking about physical space, but an emotional and relational space.  I give information and ask questions seeking to know better and be known, to make friends and try to be a friend.  In some groups this is easy, in others not so.  I know that it is partially a TCK thing, this desire to go deep quickly, and that perhaps not everyone shares that same desire.  But that sort of sucks sometimes.  I don't mean like becoming intimate with someone, but just the basics of getting to know and becoming friends with them.

I am the queen of wanting to be closest with those who are farthest away, so I know I'm not always the best at, where I'm at, seeking people out and being a friend.  The queen of this you ask?  Yes.  I say this because I fell in like with someone a long time ago - we split ways, but I wasn't able to get him out of my head.  Then we see each other again, intentionally, and it started this closer friendship that has become more than that.  And somehow I don't mind that it's a long distance thing, because I'd rather have him in my life far away than not at all, and there is always the possibility of making distance disappear.

I am also the queen of wanting to be closest to those who are elsewhere because I want to be elsewhere.  I don't love Dallas.  It's something maybe I could grow to love, but I have no roots here.  Roots?  But you're an MK!  Yeah.  I have roots places.  The strongest ones were in the Philippines, though those have pretty much died by now.  The next strongest were in California, and those are still sometimes beckoning me to return.  In California I had extended family, my parent's home church, and my alma mater.  Here, I have my parents and my sister.  I love them, but I haven't yet grown to love the place.

I think if I am closest to those farthest away I can dream up trips to leave where I am and have the possibility of going places and knowing people there, regardless if the intention was to visit or not.

I tried to turn this blog into an arts and crafts thing, and I don't mind blogging about that from time to time, but that's not what my heart wants to write about.  My heart wants to write about interpersonal relationships and growing up across cultures and how I manage to cope with these.  So know that I will continue to post about the art stuff, but also throw in these personal brain processes as well.

Wedding craftings

So, the last couple weeks - rather, the last several months - I have been very distracted helping put together my sister's wedding.  I bound five books for her - four small journals and a guest book, put together some flower pens to go with her guest book, helped her fiance - now husband - make a cool ceramic pitcher as a bride's gift, and put together a bachelorette lingerie party which ended up being full of crafting projects.  It was a lot of fun.  I wasn't planning to craft so much for the bachelorette party, but I got really tired of spending money and had a lot of crafting stuff I could use already.

First up... homemade straws!  I got this idea from the website Look At What I Made.  I was able to use all things I already had at home, though I substituted beeswax for the paraffin, and I chose to make the cornstarch paste from the recipe listed on the page.  Check it out here!

These are the blank books I made for my sister - they are all hard cover and long stitch with a cut out in the spine.  This is my favorite way to make books because it is easy and elegant -- and I like the binding strings and pages both being displayed on the spine.

Here is the guest book... I printed the pages on the inside, then trimmed, folded, and bound them onto the cover I made.  This book is the same style as the blank journals.

Fun craft at the bachelorette party -- decorating undies with advice for the bride...

Another station at the party -- hearts to write date night ideas on, a mat to sign, and photo booth props to take silly pictures.  I got the photo props as a free download from Poptastic Bride.  I wish I had found these sooner!  It ended up being a last minute addition to the party, and it would have been fun to incorporate photo booth silliness into the reception if we had planned it early enough.

A "From Miss to Mrs" banner.  I was looking at ideas on Pinterest for the party and loved this one.

My delightful "Plant a Kiss on the Stud" poster and game - sort of like pin the tail on the donkey!  I got the idea for this from Party City - they had one of these pre-made, but I opted to draw my own instead.  It's a bit of a rough drawing done quickly, but it turned out ok and was fun to play.  We gave prizes out for the kiss closest to the lips and the one with the most "interesting" placement.  For the kisses to be planted on the stud, I found a kiss graphic on google images, printed out several, cut them out, and put tape on the back.  Blindfold each guest, spin them around, then direct them with their paper kiss to the poster to plant one on it.

Last but not least I give you food crafting!  I made blue velvet cupcakes and added food coloring to turn the blue more green - per the bride's wedding colors.  I piped vanilla frosting on half of them and key lime frosting on the other half.  Ahead of time I rolled out and colored fondant then cut it in various lingerie shapes and decorated those with white edible pearls.  The most successful, I thought, were the "I DO" and "I <3 U" panties.  They were fairly easy shapes to cut out, and the simplicity of the design was good.  If I were to do this again, I would probably find mini cookie cutters and use those to cut out the fondant decorations.  This would save a lot of time and make the shapes more consistent.

This beautiful chocolate cake was made with a chocolate cake mix - I was short on time, otherwise it would have been from scratch - but I added a cup of chocolate chips to the mix.  The frosting is a chocolate buttercream that I added whipped cream and a bit of coffee to to make it a mocha frosting.

Now that my sister's wedding is over, I look forward to having more time again to make more stuff and post more about it here.


Jennifer

If only clay would not shrink; but since it does, make a rainbow ruler!

I love spending hours at a time sitting at a pottery wheel, throwing pots, and every once in awhile I throw something impressively large and wonderful and I'm filled with glee.  Then it dries.  And it is smaller.  Then I put it through a bisque firing.  It is smaller.  Then I glaze it.  Perhaps it is pretty, but it is even smaller!  It's a little bit depressing to see how much a piece can shrink from something of wonder to something of "eh."

To attempt to counter this problem and plan better for the shrinkage, I made a stoneware ruler out of the same clay I make my pieces from.  When It was relatively wet I cut it down to about 12" and put marks at each inch.  I then fired it, glazed it, and fired it again.  I let it double as an underglaze color guide since I have 12 underglaze paints.

The beauty of this ruler is that you can measure a finished piece with it and figure out about how many inches it was when wet, then measure it with a proper ruler and figure out about how many inches it shrunk.  This way, I can find a piece I have made and have a better shot at duplicating it or perhaps making it a different size.  My finished ruler ended up about 11 inches, post firings, so 12 inches - for my clay and with my kiln (there are several variable involved) will shrink about an inch.

Jennifer

My Journey With Crochet - and what the heck is Tunisian?!

I learned how to crochet when I was eight.  My Aunt Patti showed my sister and I how to crochet when my cousin's wife was going to have triplets.  My sister, my aunt, and I each made a crocheted baby blanket with a size Q hook.  At that point I didn't realize that for crochet, size Q is huge!

I sort of tried to re-learn crochet in middle school, this time with a smaller hook - a size J, I think.  I decided that I wanted to make a blanket, but I didn't know a thing about patterns.  I looked through pattern books for blankets to find out how much yarn I would need.  I decided I would make a light and navy blue striped blanket, bed sized.  I don't remember how much yarn I bought; probably 4-6 skeins of each color.  It was whatever the cheap yarn I could find at Walmart was, maybe Red Heart Super Saver, except that it's softer than the standard, so possibly Red Heart with Love.  I don't know.  None of the skeins have the packaging.  Yes.  I still have them.  That particular blanket dream was never realized.  I worked on it for years.  In college, I still had it and I was working on it, and I thought - you know, crochet can't possibly be this annoying or take this long!  I looked up again how to crochet.  Head smack!  I was doing actual crochet, but not single crochet or double crochet or half double crochet -- I was attempting to do the ENTIRE BLANKET in slip stitches.  Slip stitches, when done in that quantity are incredibly painful.  I still want to make that blanket some day with that yarn, but those particular shades of blue together have not piqued my interest for awhile.  In college I started to actually crochet, you know, with real stitches, and I discovered that it was fun and I was sort of good at it.

When I started working at a craft store post college, however, is when the fire was really lit under my feet.  I took on crazy projects - like afghans!  I have actually completed a few of those -- mostly lap-ghans, but I have one that fits beautifully on my twin-sized bed.

About a year or so ago, inspired to seek more interesting crochet stitch patterns, I came across the afghan stitch in a learn to crochet book I have.  The thing that set this stitch apart from any other was that it collected loops from a whole row of stitches on the hook and then you would work them off, one at a time.  It was a lot more like knitting, which I have only recently learned, but was still definitely crochet.  I thought, hey, with such an innovative stitch idea there must be variations!  I began to research the afghan stitch and came across Tunisian Crochet, which is the afghan stitch, plus variations using long hooks that have a stopper at the end (oh, that's what those are for).  I found a set of four tunisian hooks on clearance for around $4.00 at Annie's (anniescatalog.com).  I bought these, excited to experiment, and thus the journey began.  I learned that I love Tunisian crochet!  I love that it's similar to knitting but only requires one stick instead of two, and that it can be so easily mixed with regular crochet!  (Note the it is still done with a hook, yay.)  I find that it works up faster than knitting, though that could be a personal thing, since I am more used to working with a hook than with a pair of needles.  I tend to be an impatient person when it comes to making things -- I want to be delighted by the finished product! -- so the faster something works up, the happier I am.

Take a look!  This is a hat I crocheted for my friend Allison:

You can see in this first picture what a Tunisian Crochet hook looks like...

 and this second one shows a better profile of the slouch hat:

This particular stitch pattern combines double crochet stitches with the tunisian simple stitch to create a lacy pattern.

If you like this hat, you can order your own!  Right now I have one available in denim blue on my Etsy shop, or you can request a custom order.  Shop Now

Jennifer

Taking Responsibility

When I tell people about how I quit my job and am trying to figure out how to start my own business, I always give a caveat that I will take some time then find another day job.  It's not that I don't think I can make it as a small business owner, though I do know that it takes time and a lot of work.  Part of me is nervous about not having a constant cash flow.  However, I don't think that's it, either.  I think I'm trying to prove to myself, and maybe everyone else, that quitting my day job was not irresponsible.  I have a strong work ethic.  I always have, and for some reason it's hard to feel like working for myself is actual work.  (This, despite spending all day photographing, uploading, blogging, etc, trying to rev up business for my Etsy endeavor.)  I never want to feel like I'm taking advantage of my parents who are letting me live at home right now, and I never want to feel like I am taking advantage of anyone else, either.  I highly value hard work.  Because of this, I felt very apprehensive about quitting my job even though it was not the right one for me anymore.  I got to a point where I felt like I was the slave of the company I worked for and that needed to change.  I have always had ambitions, and it was time to try following them.  Quitting felt like failure to me.  I know that's hardly fair.  I was not a failure at my job.  I excelled at it.  So, here I find myself, working hard at home daily to start a business that I feel I have to justify to myself every day.  I know I shouldn't feel that way.  I know I need to learn to value my work more highly, and I do value it, but I think I'm still learning my value and the value of what my hands create.

Fly away home

I went through a bird loving phase a few years ago.  I still love them, but I mean, I was turning everything into a bird.  It started with a project in my Ceramics 1 class in college.  We had to make a "self portrait" using some kind of animal and some sort of scriptural reference.  I chose a bird, made about 50 of them and piled them up in a cage.  I'm not sure exactly what this means, psychologically, as a self portrait, but it remains one of my favorite art pieces I have ever made.


I also went crazy with some extra clay and glaze experimentation and made many many more birds.  I am now offering some of these on my shop.

Orange and cream bird
Brown and white bird
Blue bird pair

Check them out and let me know what you think!

Jennifer

A New Year, A New Adventure!

I don't generally make New Years Resolutions, but this year I decided I wanted to dive head first into pursuing my dreams.  When asked what I like to do for fun, my response is generally, "make stuff!"  I think it's time to capitalize on this.  I worked retail for the past two and a half years - did well and moved up.  I felt dead inside - and was perpetually stressed.  It became clear to me that it was time for a change.  Books & Clay, my new shop on Etsy, is my change.  I will post updates and process notes on this blog.  Please check back frequently to see what is new, and if you see something you like, link it to your friends or hop on over to Etsy and buy it!

Thank you for your interest and your support as I begin a new life adventure!

Jennifer

booksandclay.etsy.com

Ready, Set, Go!

I have one week left.  If you've been paying attention, you know what I'm talking about.  I'm quitting my job, but I'm not just going to sit around.  I'm hoping to get my creating back into full swing.  I'm itching to go outside and do an oil painting of our peach tree that always blooms too early so that the frost kills all chances of fruit.  I'm looking forward to taking my bike out for rides.  I'm excited to take time to fix and then fire up my kiln.  I'm looking forward to throwing more stuff on the pottery wheel.  I plan to put my etsy shop creation into full swing.  If you see anything you like, please support me and buy it.  I know that running a business is more than having an etsy shop, but that seems like a good first step.  If you haven't checked it out yet, do so now!  I want to live a little more than I have been.  I'm both excited and nervous.

My Etsy Shop

New Beginnings

If you're close with me and we've talked recently, you probably know I have become increasingly dissatisfied with my job.  I graduated with an art degree in 2012, moved to Texas, and almost immediately landed a retail job working at a craft store.  I started out part time, and I loved it.  As with every job I have had, I gave this one 110%.  After a year and a half, I was moved to full time and promoted to keyholder.  It took me awhile to get into the groove of being in charge and working twice as many hours... along with my commute.  Yes, this retail job put 50 miles a day on my car.  I was really happy with the promotion, though, because I figured that even if this job wasn't what I really wanted to do forever, I would rather be in a job where I feel like I'm going somewhere than in one that is stagnant.  Also, full time was really good for whacking loans in the head with a big stick.

Now I have been full time and management for a year, and though I feel I'm used to the position now, I've grown to dislike it.  Every day there is some sort of customer service thing that I have to mediate or alleviate - you know, bend over backwards to make the customer satisfied.  Sometimes I don't like the choices of my coworkers that add extra stress to my plate.  Every night that I close some part of the store has been torn apart by someone, or random things have been stashed in random places and I have to locate them and put things back where they go.  How many nights can I handle straightening the same t-shirts, picking up the same pile of stickers and putting them up, being excited to finally sell an annoying product only to have it re-ordered and replaced?  The monotony has begun to set in.  The frustration at a long commute for a meager wage and monotony no longer seems worth it.  There are obviously a lot of things I have loved about this job - most of them being the people, my coworkers that have become friends, and the repeat customers that know me by name and who I know by name.  I see certain people in line and I have their tax exemption form ready to apply to their order.  I will be sad to not have interactions with these people on a regular basis.

I believe that with every job and person there is an expiration date - that a time comes when it's time to move on.  I have reached mine.  It might seem stupid or irresponsible to put in my notice now, when I don't have a new job lined up yet, but it feels like the right thing.  My last day of work will be January 31, 2015.  I look forward in the next couple months to being a sister and a daughter, helping with planning my sister's wedding in March.  I look forward to turning 25, being a maid of honor, and stepping out again trying to figure out what to do next with my life.  I'm hoping to take some time to reflect and make stuff and see if I can sell it, you know, start my own business - then begin a job search, looking for companies closer to where I live.  I might be ok with retail again if it was part time, close by, and in a smaller store, though I think I'd also like working in a small cafe or coffee shop, and I already know I enjoy office jobs.  If you know of anything close to Duncanville or Cedar Hill, Texas that you think I'd enjoy, let me know.  I'm open to ideas.

wishing to be bookish?

My optimism regarding work has been failing lately.  I thought that after the holidays I would return to my regular delighted self, but I think I have hit the wall where retail is concerned.  I was talking to a good friend, probably my best friend, tonight about this frustration and not feeling satisfied where I am at -- and I hate not feeling satisfied where I am, I am a silver linings girl through and through, always looking at the bright side and pushing on.  But I never wanted to work in retail as a career.  This was a job for me, something to do and pay off student loans while I was figuring out what I really wanted to do.  I didn't realize the toll it would take on me, on my personal life.  I have no personal life.  And I feel like I have lost my mind.  I don't want to live this way.  I only have one life and I don't want to waste it doing something that drains me so completely when I am not there.  I asked my friend what he could see me doing -- and he said working as a librarian or actually doing art, either doing my own thing, or having a job as an artist - working in a collaborative team.  I've definitely been thinking about doing the independent artist thing, in fact, in my frustration with life today I spent some time on Amazon and ordered five or six books on starting your own business/small business/business plans.  (If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right.)  When I got off the phone with my friend, I got online and looked up library and information science masters programs.  According to Forbes, library and information science is a waste of a master's degree, though I think they are looking at it from a money angle, and you won't get rich being a librarian.  But from a personal mental health perspective, I think it may be a wonderful option.  To become a "professional librarian" you need to have a degree in it; it's hard to get hired otherwise.  I found a couple programs that have completely online options, like Texas Women's University, and would probably go that route if I decided to become a librarian... so that I don't have to move just to get another degree.  The only annoying thing is of course having to take the GRE which feels like an annoying hassle, though I'm sure I would do fine on the test.

I dunno.  Librarianship seems like it might be a wonderful sort of career.  Books, crochet, ceramics... bliss.  They all sort of go together.