Boys masquerading as men part 2

Boys masquerading as men.

I was going to title this post, "Why are Men idiots?!" but then I realized that the ones I'm speaking of don't deserve to be called men, but boys, and some men are not idiots. Also, some boys are not idiots, just young and naive. I remember when I was in eighth grade and attending Bethel church in Richland, WA, that among some tracts that the church had as available resources there was this book (meant to be a joke) that was called, "Everything that man has learned about woman"... I'm pretty sure it was pretty small, short, and blank. I've never understood why guys have such a hard time grasping how women think and what they should or should not do in order to be respected and liked by women. First off, we're all people. Women are not some separate race and we're not from different planets as the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests. To be fair, it has taken me a long time and I'm only just beginning to understand how men think. I'm only just beginning to realize just how visual they are vs. how un-visual I am - despite being an artist. I care a lot about aesthetics, but it's different. About a month ago I told a boy I liked (yes, definitely a boy masquerading as a man) that I liked him, because I wanted to force the ball into his court, because I was so tired of dribbling it and not getting any sort of response - well, I thought I did for awhile, in fact part of why I developed a crush on him is because it seemed like he might like me back. He didn't even let the ball stay in his court. To go with the analogy, he either hit it like a hot potato way past my court so I wouldn't ever hit it back into his court again, or he took a dagger and stabbed it so it lost all its air -- yes, we're going from tennis references to... some kind of a handball or basketball type thing. It was fine. Yes, it sucked, but finding out he wasn't interested, I was able to move on surprisingly quickly. I think it's because my eyes were suddenly opened to all his flaws that I had previously been aware of but let slide - because after all, no one is perfect. There are two things that annoy me about the scenario. First off, he said he could "NEVER see himself being romantically interested in me." (Way to know the future, man, I realize you're working hard to not string me along, but really did not need to be that harsh, and honestly when people say "NEVER" it does feel like they're trying to play God, just a little bit.) Secondly, I haven't known him for very long. This really is a secondary annoyance, because it's related to the first. If you don't even know me that well and haven't taken the chance to get to know me how can you be SURE that you'd NEVER be romantically interested?! Again, I've already moved on, and if he's wrong and changes his mind, I will not be here for him to come crying to, mainly because how he responded intensely annoyed me, and I have since then become aware of all the reasons why I'm really happy I'm not dating him. I would rather be single for a very long time than be his girlfriend, because he's also not a very considerate person and his life priorities are in really weird orders. Basically, he's a boy masquerading as a man. He needs to grow up a bit before he'll be good boyfriend/future husband material, and not for me, for someone else.

So, as a reaction to my frustration with boys masquerading as men, I decided to sign up for online dating. I know. Best move to find men who are not boys. (not.) But I do think there are some good guys out there. I keep thinking I've found one or two of them, but the online dating scene really is not satisfying. I've been talking with this guy for about a month now, and he seems scared to meet in person or talk on the phone or Skype. He doesn't live the closest, but not really too far away either. He seems like a great guy! But I don't do well just typing all the time, especially because I always write way more than he does -- talk about someone not being reciprocal! And it's so frustrating not seeing body language or hearing voice intonation. That's so important for proper communication!

Someone else I was talking to, the reaction was opposite. He asked me out after messaging for like two days, then I was the one who panicked and canceled on him at the last second. I felt really bad about that... and have since apologized. It was too fast for me, not because he was moving too fast, but because it had only been a few days since I had been rejected, which is what prompted the online dating in the first place.

There are a couple other guys I have talked to that have been positive conversations, but again, it's been a couple weeks at least for both, and I'm not really satisfied long term with just sending message after message. That can be the start of getting to know someone, but then you have to actually meet, and talk in person, and hang out and stuff.

There was also a guy who I was talking to - I decided he looked a little young for me, though he wasn't too young, and since he messaged me, I replied. Then after a few days of talking he admitted that he didn't have an account (this was on eharmony) and gave me ways to find him in the real internet world. So I did and the next thing I heard from him was, "sorry, I'm not interested." That was probably the worst, because what he didn't see on the eharmony profile was my pictures. He finally got to see pictures and he said, "no." I know I'm not the thinnest crayon in the crayon box... I'm like a crayon for four year olds, not the super skinny big kid ones, but I'm not ugly, and in my opinion curves are freaking attractive, and I am well blessed with them. It makes me want to throw up my hands in despair.

I know I shouldn't let conversations with people I've never met affect me so much, but I don't get much better from the people I do know. I guess I know a lot of idiots, or boys masquerading as men. I am so done. But in reality, I know I'm not. I love guys. No matter how much they infuriate me, I love them. So I sit here typing, with tears streaming down my face because I haven't found one yet who treats me well and from the deepest parts of my heart, I am pleading with God to change that.

I guess I collect people.

Looking through my Facebook newsfeed just now I was realizing how much I care about people I haven't seen in a long time who I don't know very well. I have a hard time going through and deleting old connections, not because I need to feel liked with the assurance of many "friends" but because I genuinely enjoy and care about people. I like seeing news from time to time, good and bad, and celebrating and mourning with old connections from afar. Those summers I worked at camp? I still crave updates from the people I worked with, even though through those summers we mostly knew each other by alternate names. They were a part of my growing into who I am now - each major parts of learning about life and how to live it, well. I know people who think it's crazy to have 200 friends, and I know people who have a couple thousand. At about 750 friends, I know that I don't keep up with everyone on my list. Some of them I barely remember how we connected in the first place. But then there are the treasures of people that I may have only known for a few months before they were out of my life again, but who have impacted my life forever.

I guess I collect people: their stories, smiles, sorrows, laughter, and love it when they let me enjoy those with them.

Instead I'm an Ocean.

If tears could be piled
rather than puddled
I'd be a pile of them
but instead I'm an ocean.
This reflex I can't hold back
First my eyes
Then my face
and before I know it
tears are streaming down
and filling the whole world with sorrow
You ask what's wrong
And if I say "it's nothing"
It's because the list is so long
that I don't dare begin to burden you with it all
But if you ask and I tell you
It would be a combination of the following:
It's tiredness
Mixed with nostalgia
A little bit of, is where I am and where I'm heading
Where I'm supposed to be and going
Mixed with fear
That my roots are shallow
Or maybe too deep
Fear that I somehow missed
How life was supposed to be lived
In a big way
Fear that I don't add up to others expectations of me
Fear that I don't add up to my own
Fear that I don't add up to what God has for me.
The realization that the order of those fears is backwards
Sadness that I don't have a shoulder to cry on right now
Or arms to hold me close
Fear that I never will - not in the way I'd like to.
But mainly it's stress and tiredness
Which leads me to a stream of irrational ideas
And takes me to the place of messy emotions
Which are hard to sort through
And harder to make rational sense of.

...

and then I implode.

I'll expound more later.  Time to sleep.

thoughts, and God is cool.

So, I was in a really good mood today, and then had a lot of coffee, which put that good mood a little over the top.  Now my mind is reeling and processing and needing to write.  I think I'm really tired.  I know I'm really tired.  Also, though I've gotten to know these people some, some of them over the last year and some of them more recently, I don't know that many people in the group very well.  But I desperately want to know them well.  I am jealous of the years they have spent in community here while my life was in constant upheaval.  I know they primarily have MK backgrounds like me, but many of them have been back in this country and in this area for years.  They have roots that I'm only now beginning to plant.  I do feel like I'm beginning to belong, but I don't have years of friendship with any of them.  It's weird to remember that just a year ago I was only beginning to meet one or two people and that I didn't truly get connected with this group until maybe... April or May?  Like a few months ago?  I'm not even sure of the timeline.  What I know is, God is a great God and is in control of even the small details of life.  I clearly see his hand working as he brought me through trials, desert places, and downhill slopes and connected me slowly with the lifeline of a Christ-centered community of people who I just feel accepted by.  I saw his hand working as he led me into a living situation with other women who I could get to know not only as housemates, but also as friends, and into a job that would allow me to afford living in that place.  I saw his hand working as he led me to GIAL to take arts and trauma healing and then arts for a better future, and as he led me into a new position working at a church, the details of which only he could have arranged.  Once I saw this place as an in-between place on my way to some place clearly better, but he has taught me that there are no in-between places.  He has something for me here and is showing me the beauty of this place little by little.  He keeps showing me that life is process, not finished product.  I am an unfinished painting that the master works on slowly and carefully, adding each detail when the time is right.

...

my heart hurts.

...

So, maybe I just need to put myself out there and be willing to get hurt because just hoping and not moving is no way to live. But of course I'll do it in my own subtle way which may or may not work. At some point I may need to be direct, but not ready for that conversation yet. Songwriting time, perhaps?

Mandatory Face Making

New glasses = time to make faces and take pictures.  It's really a fantastic tradition.

Waiting on You? Or trying...

God, help me to wait on you -- 

I know you will carry me through,

Though waiting is sometimes so hard to do.

It was so good to talk to one of my best friends tonight and just clear my head a little, even if all we talked about was life, you know, catching up a little.  I wanted to talk to him about this person who has infiltrated my heart, but it wasn't a lengthy conversation and I wasn't sure what to say.

What do you do when you like someone but you're not ready to risk it and come right out and say it?  If you want them to maybe come to the same place of "I like you" that you're at, but you don't know if they're there or on the same path to there... and you so desperately want to have a conversation about it, but at the same time, you don't want to assume that they do actually feel the same way you do?  I keep bringing it to God and telling him my heart and that I don't want my heart caught up on someone who won't work out and to take away my feelings if they're silly... then I shift my focus to other things and keep busy for awhile, but the person pops right back into my head again.  It can be enough to drive me mad, and sometimes I like having someone on my mind, but then I remember that for all I know, it's one-sided affection, and that's something I'm not interested in entertaining.

Also, I'm a bit fuzzy on whether it's actually a good idea for me to put myself out there and tell someone who I like that I like them... maybe just because it's a risk and I'm not keen on risk taking.

be THOU my vision.

It's time to curl in a ball and cry or sleep or both.
It's mostly just that I'm tired, it's been a long day, but also a lot on my mind.
It's the perpetual, "But God, I like him, I don't understand why I have to wait longer... unless you have someone else in mind?"  And I try to be patient, so painstakingly patient, and I know that my focus needs to shift and I shift it, but then shift it back.  I'm not good at the waiting thing, but I know that God's timing is perfect, and mine is not.  And if everything went the way I planned it, my life would not be nearly as glorious as it is or as it seems like it is becoming.

I mean, in Bible study we discussed priorities in life, and relationship with God being a huge priority and other things that are priorities in life.  I know I don't always have mine straight.  But it was a valuable thing to be reminded of and to discuss, and being reminded that our priorities should line up with the way we use our time and resources.

Then we kicked the guys out at about 10 pm and had a "girl's night" which consisted of watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."  I think I've seen it before, but it was a long time ago and I probably wasn't truly watching it last time or something, because I didn't remember most of it.  It's wonderful and horrible at the same time.  But even in this movie where the girl tries so hard to lose a guy who is trying so hard to make her fall in love with him, in the end they realize that they do truly like each other and the assumption is that they live happily ever after.

My thought?  Oh great.  Because every time I watch a romance movie of any kind, you know, where it all works out in the end, I think about how that's what I want: for it all to work out in the end.  So, my tiredness was fueled by emotion, and I was left to drive home in the quiet of the night and think.  And what I wanted to do was cry, out of exhaustion and emotion, so instead I sung "Be Thou My Vision" loudly, thinking about how God ought to be my vision and not this person I like.  And I know that if it's God's plan, even though I don't see him much and life, at least the romance part, seems to be moving at a snail's pace, it will be.  And if it's not, then something else will be.

This sucks, because since I was little I dreamed of growing up and getting married and having kids -- except for the one time when I was like 7 and I heard that giving birth was the most painful experience... pretty much ever... and I was like, "God, I don't want to have kids."  But then after that, I panicked, because I believed (and still do) that God answers the prayers of his children, so I made sure to go back on that prayer and let him know that I may have made that decision hastily.  Something along the lines of, "God, I know I prayed not to have kids, but that's a prayer that I'm not sure I want you to answer..."  And it's not just about having kids someday, but having a family.  And more specifically about having a life partner to live and figure out life with.  Living and learning and loving together, life and God and people.

Change

So much change, so quickly.  Ok, God, help me figure out how to navigate this all.

not really a poem

I've heard I need
to take time to grieve
to feel and believe
that something great is coming soon.
And I thought I had --
and I thought life was ok,
but these tears still stain my eyes
and maybe I'm listening to lies
or maybe just feel so alone
out here in my own little zone
just me.
I know there's a great God above
who showers me with lots of love
but I'm feeling left out of this thing called life
or maybe had a wrong idea of what it'd be like.
looking for people who I call a friend
not just at arms length but
jumping with me into the deep questions of life
walking with me through mundane and stupid things
maybe like trying things for the first time.
I hate trying new things alone.
Or doing things, in general, alone.
I might be an introvert,
but I do nothing because there's no one to do something with.
so I spend so many hours at work or at a computer screen,
wanting to do something but not knowing who I can call on
to do it with.

I don't need an advanced degree to serve God.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Ok, I've been thinking about this probably since college.  Not precisely about not needing an advanced degree to serve God as I wrote in the title of this post, but about what the heck I've supposed to be doing with my life.  A few years ago I applied to teach English overseas but didn't go.  Then I decided recently to look into GIAL and possibly pursue a degree in World Arts which would be appropriate training for using arts in missions.  I've also been considering going back to school to study art therapy.  But let's boil this all down.  What is my desire?  To use art to love people and to love God.  Ok.  And I love the idea of international missions because I grew up overseas.  So why am I continually putting this off to consider more graduate studies?  I'm seeking God's call on my life.  But what does that look like?!  I don't know.  I do know that songs like "Oceans" make my tears well up about following God and walking out in faith further than I could on my own and further than I could imagine.  I do know that today at church my eyes welled up as they spoke about missions.  I don't think it's homesickness.  It used to be homesickness or a desire to run away.  I don't think it's that anymore.  I think there's more to it than that.  And I don't need to keep pursuing more education that costs lots of money, I just need to go.  Obviously I'll need to take some time to prayerfully consider this and see if it's the right way to go.  YWAM has a Discipleship Training School in Thailand called Create, and they have a visual arts for missions program that comes after that.  That is a year long commitment to do both, and completing a DTS is a pre-requisite for the Visual Arts for Missions program.  Cost for the 6 month DTS is about $3000 and the cost for the VAM program is just a little bit more ($3120).  This is money that would need to be raised, but it's something I would like to prayerfully consider.

anxiety

Talking about the future and vague possibilities makes me anxious.  Like, right now I'm breaking down crying.  Sure, there are other factors, but the future thing is what triggered it.  I don't know if it's because I don't like change or because I like knowing what's going to happen and with the future I can't know, but it doesn't bode well with me.  I wonder if I were to unpack this anxiety what sort of trauma I would uncover?  My best guess is that it's related to being uprooted frequently as a child and an extreme dislike of change that I wasn't in control of.  I don't do well with change.

Thoughts to ponder.  Time to sleep, once I can dry my eyes.

today. not a bright shining day.

So, I guess it was sort of my fault, but I woke up not wanting to get out of bed, but having to because need to live, which means need to make money, which means work.  I should have been well rested because I had the last two days off, and a little break in my class, but I'm just tired.  I didn't have coffee.  I didn't eat anything.  I dragged myself out of bed, put on work mandated clothes and drove to work.  I was not in the best of moods and had a headache.  (no coffee, no breakfast, no energy to deal with training anyone at work, but this week we're starting to train a couple new people.)  but I went to work, and work I did, and it wasn't half bad.  I like the new lady we're training.  She's probably about the age of my parents, and not technologically savvy, but she'll catch on.  One of the bosses asked us to, if we had time, do some research on well-known African Americans for Black History Month and get some 11x17 pages with a photo and bio printed and laminated, so we started that project.  She did the research, I helped with the technologically savvy part -- putting it all into Word and formatting it.  I wasn't exactly thrilled about the project, but I let our new hire take the reins and just helped out with the formatting aspect of it.  As is standard, we talked a lot, sort of "getting to know you" sort of stuff, and I likely overshared, which I am prone to do.  I don't feel like a concise sentence ever gets a full idea across.  I share stories, but to give context to the stories I share back stories.  Which sort of leaves me vulnerable and easily annoyed when people respond to my stories in ways I don't anticipate... not a bad thing, but I was in a bad mood, and it didn't help.  The weirdest part was towards the end of the shift she asked me how old I was because she likes the idea of setting me up on a date with her son... who is like 8-9 years older than me and seeing someone who she doesn't think is right for him.  This has left me... confused?  but I guess flattered as well.  Anyway, weird day.  At that point I still had not eaten any food, bad me.  Just had a couple glasses of water, if that.  After work I drove straight to my parent's house to raid their fridge and drink coffee and spent the rest of the day chilling with my mom on the sofa.  I'm such a homebody.

But, moral of the story, I got to thinking about friendships again, and I think that close friendships with people scare me.  I want them, yes, but it's scary to say, "hi, I want to be your friend... not just your friend, but your good friend!"... part of it is that getting to the good friend part takes time.  I've heard that the taking time to build friendships is a monocultural thing, and I was thinking it was so funny that it takes awhile for me, but I think there are walls, that I'm scared of letting someone get close, but I also want people to be close.  I'm full of contradictions and am aware of that, but I'm not sure what to do about it.  I'm thinking about friendships because one of the things I overshared about was how I'm not good at putting myself out there with people.  I like to stay home.  I was arguing why it was a good thing to not live with my parents, because I have anti-social tendencies and would never get out and meet people.  Living with other people my age inspires me to sometimes actually do social things.

Also, I think it's super funny that after admitting that I'm an anti-social homebody and after her mentioning my dry skin (to me an indication that I don't take good care of myself) that she would ask if it was weird that she was thinking about setting me up with her son?  I don't understand.  I guess she likes my character?  I don't understand.

But yes.  Still have a headache, just needed to... something, somewhere.

sticking it out?

The sermon this morning was on sticking it out in marriage, and it was a great sermon.  I kept getting distracted vaguely thinking about my own theoretical someday marriage.  It's hard not to focus on singleness when I have friends getting married and having kids and here I am, me, figuring out life as a single lady.  It's tough.  I know marriage is tough, too.  Life is tough.  I would rather do life with someone else and we can work through challenging things together than to do life alone.  A friend the other day was asking me what I wanted to do afterwards if I were to pursue a world arts degree, and I told her I didn't have a specific plan.  I have a list of things I could do, that I'd be willing to do, but I don't have a specific life plan.  She gave me a hard time about the no plan thing, and I was quiet for a minute then broke down and told her that I "don't have a life plan" not just because of the reasons I had previously stated about how we can't possibly know the future, but because plans sometimes rely on other people.  If I could have my way, my plan would be to get married and be a stay at home wife, mother, and artist, but that requires a guy being in my life who falls in love with and marries me.  In the meantime I can't just wait around waiting for life to happen, I have to make choices as a single lady figuring out life as a single lady.  Right now that involves taking more classes that help to unite my passion for art and my desire to follow God in my life and seeking to be closer with God.  I don't want to be single forever, but I desire a lifetime marriage and family with a man, not just a wedding for the sake of it, and that means waiting.  The waiting thing sucks, but I guess entering a marriage with the wrong person would suck even more.

wishing to dialogue... with you

I want to get out of my head and dialogue with people about life, art, trauma healing, God, where he has led me and where he is leading.  I crave intentional community where I can do this, but I know that my immediate reaction is to dive into deep topics with people I may only barely know, because the process of getting to know someone in this culture takes so long.  I want deep, late night conversations with people who can hold their end of the discussion and seek beauty in tragedy, cosmos in chaos, not just be silent while I rant and rave about topics perhaps not understood, or that perhaps someone finds un-interesting.  (I know, that seems hardly possible.)

I am on an adventure of seeking the will of God, whatever that may be.  Right now I am doing this by taking a graduate level course on using Arts in Trauma Healing.  I am convinced that God created me for a purpose and created me with specific desires and competencies for a reason.  In undergrad I studied Studio Arts and Biblical & Theological Studies.  Right now I'm taking a class that combines both of these for the purpose of trauma healing.  I don't know if God is calling me to work with trauma healing, but I feel that he is calling me to use art for his glory, and trauma is such a common part of life experience that it would be negligent not to study how to work with its victims.

I know I am not alone - God is always here, my housemates are here, my family is here, friends are here in varies states of presence - meaning that some are here physically, some emotionally, some a phone call or facebook message away, most scattered across the globe.  Yet, I feel alone sometimes, and I don't know how to tell people that or how to seek people out when I need them.  Online interactions are not enough for true living.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I hide in my own little world
Where I can make life what I want it to be,
See it how I wish to see it,
Where I can be free

I surround myself with beauty
Remembrances of what was
Thoughts of what could be -

Vibrant colors, flowers, drawings,
Materials to aid in the act of creation
Space to think, and dream

Sometimes I fill my space with music
Sometimes I dance -

But sometimes there is silence,
Besides a smile
And a whisper in the ear.

Sometimes I hide in my own little world
Where I can make life what I want it to be -
Here I feel safe
Here I feel free

Safe from things I don't understand,
Safe from conflict
Safe from the vulnerability
of getting to know people
well enough
and let them close enough
that they can hurt me.

But sometimes I need to let those things in
Welcome other people into my space,
Both literally and figuratively
Share the beauty I find
Rather than just keeping it to myself.

Sometimes I need to hang out in other people's worlds, too -
See how others have learned or chosen to see
Discover new kinds of beauty
And things that make them feel free.